Happy Chinese New Year!!! Stinky New Year!
It's stinky because I didn't remember that today was "the day". It changes every year and it wasn't until Thanh told me at 11:55 last night.
Now just like regular New Year you can't take a bath. It will wash all your luck away. So, normally the night before everyone would have bathed their nasty, little selves. Well, this year the Fam didn't get the memo so we all stink.
The reason: We didn't go to church service Sunday. Instead we stayed home and watched it on TV. So, showers were skipped Sunday morning.
To say the least I am not too happy about sitting here at the gym wondering if I put enough product in my hair to make people think it's a hair gel shine and not one from mother nature. You guessed it, I'm here watching Mahala flip around doing her gymnastics thing. Don't worry, I haven't detected a "pig pen" cloud around her yet. HA HA
Thank the Lord I brushed my teeth and used a cleansing cloth for a tissue to fake blow my nose this morning. Thanh is just as bad as I am on American New years traditions. With clean teeth and clothes it took me up a notch from freshly rolled out of the bed look. I also made sure to put my ring on so that people could see that yes, even I could find a man. HA HA .
Mahala is doing so good, I am very proud of her. I love watching her move across the floor. Building confidence in a young girl is so important. If I had someone foster that in me I wouldn't be hovered in a corner right now with my car freshener attached to my lap top bag. I swear! :-0
1.26.2009
1.13.2009
Journey of the braces
Skylar goes and gets his braces tomorrow morning. He has been wanting braces since he was like 9, so here you go Big Boy!!!!
So here is my braces story. Yes, I am going to bore everyone with yet another story. This is the reason why my diary ran away and jumped into a burn pile.
I have been waiting for my braces since I was 10 years old.
I went to the Dentist when my Dad was alive. I was told that I would need braces. Well, Mom started getting sick and the focus was on her more. That's ok- I can deal.
Well when I was 11 Dad died. Then I was taking care of Mom and the focus was on her constantly- that's fine. Then Mom died a week before I turned 13 and my chances were over now.
In foster care I never saw a Dentist, because I didn't have Dental insurance. The next time I saw a Dentist I was 21 living in a shelter. The poor man was like you have a lot of dental issues lady. But given my situation there wasn't much I could do about it.
So, I had my teeth looked at again when we came to go ole CA. Finally I have Dental insurance!!! The Dentist suggested that I have my jaw broken and wired shut for 6-7 months. Add some braces and some other hoopla and then you'll be good as new. I was like whatever!!!!!
I was too chicken and then my Lupus came along so everything was pushed to the side.
When I went to the regular Dentist 2 months ago he was concerned with my 2 K9 teeth. I had to get something done. I was worried about the money, but I figured saving money for dentures would be just as bad.
Ok,Ok!!!! No surgery I told them so some crafty, inventive braces will have to do the trick for today. I believe it will do the job, I will keep you updated.
1.08.2009
Braces...anyone?
I'm getting braces tomorrow. HA HA HA, it makes me laugh so hard. I'm scared that it's going to hurt like the dickens. I know, I'm a big baby. Oh, well I can be if I want to.
I am kind of excited to be able to just be for an hour and a half while he does the darn procedure. Is that awful, or what? I love my kids, don't get me wrong. But, since we have been back to school it's been a Mad house. We have projects and meetings with our teachers, tests, mission designs up to my ears, assignments, required reading selections and on and on. Why did I want to homeschool? Ohhhhhhhh, yeah I remember now....just a little brain fart.
So, life is life and we are just trying to get through the winter. This cold weather is so hard on me. I was up until 6:30 this morning crying in pain. All night long I thought I was going to die. The weird thing is during the night like that when all is so lonely and quiet I wonder what if I did slip away in the night. What if the pain gets so painful that I just combust? Now in broad day light that doesn't make any sense and I now that the chances of it actually happening is slim to none. But, at night in the dark, when it's just you and the Golden Girls the possibilities are endless.
I am kind of excited to be able to just be for an hour and a half while he does the darn procedure. Is that awful, or what? I love my kids, don't get me wrong. But, since we have been back to school it's been a Mad house. We have projects and meetings with our teachers, tests, mission designs up to my ears, assignments, required reading selections and on and on. Why did I want to homeschool? Ohhhhhhhh, yeah I remember now....just a little brain fart.
So, life is life and we are just trying to get through the winter. This cold weather is so hard on me. I was up until 6:30 this morning crying in pain. All night long I thought I was going to die. The weird thing is during the night like that when all is so lonely and quiet I wonder what if I did slip away in the night. What if the pain gets so painful that I just combust? Now in broad day light that doesn't make any sense and I now that the chances of it actually happening is slim to none. But, at night in the dark, when it's just you and the Golden Girls the possibilities are endless.
12.25.2008
12.20.2008
Ask Manic Mom a Question
Q. What are you most proud of?
A. So, I'm supposed to say my children, right? Everyone who has kids says that. And even though I am proud of them beyond words there is something else. I am proud of me. I have been in many situations in my life time where I could have chosen one thing over another. I have always believed in God and what his purpose for my life was. So, I'm proud of most of my life decisions, if that makes sense.
Q. How many foster homes did you live in?
A. Well, in foster care they have places that are like "holding houses". You go here for a day, a week or whatever length until your "real" foster home is ready to take you. I think between foster homes, holding homes and group homes I was in 7 different homes.
Have anymore questions, just ask me and I'll answer.
A. So, I'm supposed to say my children, right? Everyone who has kids says that. And even though I am proud of them beyond words there is something else. I am proud of me. I have been in many situations in my life time where I could have chosen one thing over another. I have always believed in God and what his purpose for my life was. So, I'm proud of most of my life decisions, if that makes sense.
Q. How many foster homes did you live in?
A. Well, in foster care they have places that are like "holding houses". You go here for a day, a week or whatever length until your "real" foster home is ready to take you. I think between foster homes, holding homes and group homes I was in 7 different homes.
Have anymore questions, just ask me and I'll answer.
12.17.2008
1,840 Days
The pain is kicking my butt this week. I try to put it out of my mind, but it's like a Red headed step child- all up in your face. When will the pain stop? I ask myself this question every morning when I crawl out of bed like an 90 year old women. You know I used to go to bed each night with a tad bit of excitement. Thinking and hoping that the next morning may be the morning I wake up to no pain. What if I have a pain free day, just once. It hasn't happened yet, since this hell has started back in December, 2003. I have lived with pain every single day since then. Hold on for a second, let me get out my ole' trusty calculator to see how many days of pain I've had. Are you ready to see my mad calculating skills? Here we go, to this day I have had 1,840 blessed days of pain. Now I say blessed, only because they have been days with my kids. Days that I have woken up to see another day. By the evening on probably over half of them I've begged God to take me. But, I quickly change my mind once the comfort of sleep takes me away.
I look forward to sleep. In my dreams I am a mighty warrior some nights. Kicking Lupus' Butt!!! And sometimes I just run in fields of grass chasing the kids. My dreams are all pain free, worry free. Even when I have night mares, nothing ever gets me because I can run.
But, every morning the sun hits my peppers and life fills my mind once again. Sometimes I try to hold on to the night, but most days it's impossible. Because I hear little voices and see little hands that remind me why the day light is more important then my dreams of possibilities.
I look forward to sleep. In my dreams I am a mighty warrior some nights. Kicking Lupus' Butt!!! And sometimes I just run in fields of grass chasing the kids. My dreams are all pain free, worry free. Even when I have night mares, nothing ever gets me because I can run.
But, every morning the sun hits my peppers and life fills my mind once again. Sometimes I try to hold on to the night, but most days it's impossible. Because I hear little voices and see little hands that remind me why the day light is more important then my dreams of possibilities.
12.06.2008
Manic Questions
People email me daily about my posts. The questions range from past stuff to daily routines now. So I thought it might be interesting to answer your questions here online. What do you think?
I want it said that I am in constant pain every day and have been since 2004. People ask how can I be so positive. I believe that you chose your daily attitude. I'm going to be in pain whether I have a negative or positive attitude. It truly is easier to be positive. Now with that said I an definitely no saint, just ask my family. But, it's the thought that counts, right??? Being also Bipolar causes my moods to go crazy at times. But, with meds and early detection of when I feel a freak out coming, life can be good.
I realize that there is a significant curiosity about some of the diseases and life experiences that I've had. So, here you go people, you've asked for it.
Q. What illness do you have?
A. Are you ready? Lupus, high blood pressure, ulcertive colitis, diverticulitis, R.A., inflammatory arthritis, sever edema and I'm bipolar.
To explain them briefly- Lupus causes my immune system to attack my organs and body instead of infection or disease. My immune system is retarded, great. Mine right now attacks all of my joints and bones, causes fluid to build up in my lungs and around my heart. I also have sensitive skin so I'm supposed to avoid the sun. Because my immune system is busy with other things infections and viruses cause me to be more sick then everyone else in my family. Why.....cause my immune system is out to lunch and attacking something that I need to stay alive. Great job, Lupus!!!
High blood pressure is just that, I've had it for like 4 years now. My colitis is hard to explain, it causes terrible pain and bleeding in my intestines. Diverticulitis, well this is basically inflammation in my intestines along with holes that could cause Serious problems. I just try and keep a close eye on it. R.A. and inflammatory arthritis sucks, that's all that needs to be said. My edema is pretty bad. There are days that my feet are soooooooo swollen I can't put my flip flops on. My legs are so swollen at times that all I can wear is a night gown. I can take water pills to try and get it off, but most of the time my body hangs on to it like it's chocolate. And my dear bipolar, oh what a friend of mine. We have been together since I can remember. Crazy runs deep in my veins, LOL. Bipolar is different for everyone. But for me, Mania is my problem. My moods changes several times a day. I have tons of anxiety, that usually heightens in the evening and in the winter, then that turns into depression. Bipolar has a lot of doors, some days only a few open and some days the whole house explodes with open doors.
So, I hope that answers that question. Today is a BIG Game Day, so I will be cooking for the boys and grocery shopping.
I want it said that I am in constant pain every day and have been since 2004. People ask how can I be so positive. I believe that you chose your daily attitude. I'm going to be in pain whether I have a negative or positive attitude. It truly is easier to be positive. Now with that said I an definitely no saint, just ask my family. But, it's the thought that counts, right??? Being also Bipolar causes my moods to go crazy at times. But, with meds and early detection of when I feel a freak out coming, life can be good.
I realize that there is a significant curiosity about some of the diseases and life experiences that I've had. So, here you go people, you've asked for it.
Q. What illness do you have?
A. Are you ready? Lupus, high blood pressure, ulcertive colitis, diverticulitis, R.A., inflammatory arthritis, sever edema and I'm bipolar.
To explain them briefly- Lupus causes my immune system to attack my organs and body instead of infection or disease. My immune system is retarded, great. Mine right now attacks all of my joints and bones, causes fluid to build up in my lungs and around my heart. I also have sensitive skin so I'm supposed to avoid the sun. Because my immune system is busy with other things infections and viruses cause me to be more sick then everyone else in my family. Why.....cause my immune system is out to lunch and attacking something that I need to stay alive. Great job, Lupus!!!
High blood pressure is just that, I've had it for like 4 years now. My colitis is hard to explain, it causes terrible pain and bleeding in my intestines. Diverticulitis, well this is basically inflammation in my intestines along with holes that could cause Serious problems. I just try and keep a close eye on it. R.A. and inflammatory arthritis sucks, that's all that needs to be said. My edema is pretty bad. There are days that my feet are soooooooo swollen I can't put my flip flops on. My legs are so swollen at times that all I can wear is a night gown. I can take water pills to try and get it off, but most of the time my body hangs on to it like it's chocolate. And my dear bipolar, oh what a friend of mine. We have been together since I can remember. Crazy runs deep in my veins, LOL. Bipolar is different for everyone. But for me, Mania is my problem. My moods changes several times a day. I have tons of anxiety, that usually heightens in the evening and in the winter, then that turns into depression. Bipolar has a lot of doors, some days only a few open and some days the whole house explodes with open doors.
So, I hope that answers that question. Today is a BIG Game Day, so I will be cooking for the boys and grocery shopping.
12.05.2008
Christmas with a Splash of Crazy
I’m looking at all the millions of things I have on my calendar for December and want to cry. Sometimes I just want to be. Just to lounge through my day with no real commitments. I often think to myself about what life will be like when I grow old. I think I would be great old women. Hell I already have the bones of a 60 year old. Thanks to Lupus. And I play a pretty mean ass game of dominoes!!!!
It’s December and everyone is feeling overwhelmed; why the heck does EVERYTHING have to be crammed into a 25 day period. My friend, Paula has 4 Christmas parties this weekend alone. All I need is a piece of pie with a mound of whipped cream, the clicker, a cozzzzy blanket and a scented candle nearby. Mmmmmmmm!!!!!! Just one full day of this would put the Saint back in St. Nick for me. LOL
But, back to reality we have school deadlines, papers to grade, reports that need researched, cookies to be baked and meals to cook.
Yesterday Thanh and I were talking about the presents we have for each of the kids. We can’t wait to see their little faces when they come down the stairs this year. I started thinking about the last gifts my parents ever bought me.
My Dad died November, 1986 and on that day I found the last present he had bought for me. I remember we were back at the house after being at the hospital for what seemed like forever. I ran straight for my parent’s bedroom. I sat on the bed and looked around. I wanted to take in every detail there was to take in. I could still smell his cologne and his socks were on the floor from the day before. Even though this was a painful time for me, I never wanted to forget. I walked into their closet and ran my hands across all of Daddy’s clothes. All of his Navy uniforms were hanging there almost mourning him too. I squatted down to cry on the floor and behind the clothes I could see a huge box. It was a telescope. I was shocked and thrilled, yet sad that it would never be shared with my Dad. I left it there untouched. I didn’t want to spoil the joy Mom might have of giving this gift to me.
My Mom’s last gift to me was a jean trench coat. I just had to have it!!!! Everyone had one and I knew we didn’t have the money so, I was not expecting there to be one under our tree that year. I remember I was taking a Home Ec. Class that year and we were learning how to embroidery. I brought in my coat and did my initials on the side pocket. I still have that coat in my closet today.
I love Christmas Time……..
It’s December and everyone is feeling overwhelmed; why the heck does EVERYTHING have to be crammed into a 25 day period. My friend, Paula has 4 Christmas parties this weekend alone. All I need is a piece of pie with a mound of whipped cream, the clicker, a cozzzzy blanket and a scented candle nearby. Mmmmmmmm!!!!!! Just one full day of this would put the Saint back in St. Nick for me. LOL
But, back to reality we have school deadlines, papers to grade, reports that need researched, cookies to be baked and meals to cook.
Yesterday Thanh and I were talking about the presents we have for each of the kids. We can’t wait to see their little faces when they come down the stairs this year. I started thinking about the last gifts my parents ever bought me.
My Dad died November, 1986 and on that day I found the last present he had bought for me. I remember we were back at the house after being at the hospital for what seemed like forever. I ran straight for my parent’s bedroom. I sat on the bed and looked around. I wanted to take in every detail there was to take in. I could still smell his cologne and his socks were on the floor from the day before. Even though this was a painful time for me, I never wanted to forget. I walked into their closet and ran my hands across all of Daddy’s clothes. All of his Navy uniforms were hanging there almost mourning him too. I squatted down to cry on the floor and behind the clothes I could see a huge box. It was a telescope. I was shocked and thrilled, yet sad that it would never be shared with my Dad. I left it there untouched. I didn’t want to spoil the joy Mom might have of giving this gift to me.
My Mom’s last gift to me was a jean trench coat. I just had to have it!!!! Everyone had one and I knew we didn’t have the money so, I was not expecting there to be one under our tree that year. I remember I was taking a Home Ec. Class that year and we were learning how to embroidery. I brought in my coat and did my initials on the side pocket. I still have that coat in my closet today.
I love Christmas Time……..
12.01.2008
Christmas Wonder
I am still full, full of turkey and all it's fixin's. We had a great Thanksgiving! We have a ton to be thankful for this year. And Thankful we are, it shows on our Thankful tree. We made a tree on our dinning room wall, it's about 5 feet tall. And we have a ton of leaves with things we are thankful for on them. Everyone that came over for Thanksgiving was impressed by it's Wonder!
Now on Black Friday, what did you do? I shopped till I about dropped. Yes, I know that I have already made my list and checked it twice. I know that I have already shopped and wrapped everything. And yes, I know that my closet is full of black garbage bags with those wrapped presents in them. But, I had to go out and just see if there was maybe one more thing out there. One gift calling my name because it was so ridiculously on sale! Buy me, buy me, I swear I could hear it over the loud ass foot ball game that Thanh had blaring in the living room.
Now what kind of person would I be if I ignored that little item that was on sale. I'll tell you, I would be a person with a few hundred dollars more in her pocket. Yes, I did spend a little more, but I saved a lot. This Christmas the kids are going to be amazed. We have had some pretty weak Christmas present giving in the past. But, God has provided for us this year. We will be able to sit back on Christmas morning and know that the kids are going to love their presents. And we know they are not going to break by dinner and we don't have to scratch the dollar store name off of the wrapping. Thank you Lord!!
But, I know where I've come from. I remember a time when Skylar and I stayed in an abandoned house in Florida. We spent the holidays one year in this house and a group of ladies came up to the door. I was scared to open it, because nobody knew I lived there. I had no electricity or water. You will have to get my book to read the whole story. But, the point I'm trying to say now is that these women were from a local church and they saved our Christmas. They brought food, both hot and canned. None of it needed to be refrigerated, they most have known my circumstances. And they brought presents for my sweet boy. I was shaken with delight, surprised that once again I was blessed. Skylar ran around with a tiny back pack filled with toys. He was so happy and that made me happy and sad. I felt sad because I worried if I would ever be able to give him this much joy and happiness on my own. Could I ever do it on my own....This is a scary thought when you are on the streets with a baby. Fear was my middle name, still is sometimes. So, if I seem a tad over kill about this Christmas, please know that I generally do not spoil my kids. And I definitely know the true meaning of Christmas. I'm just having a moment and I'm taking advantage of it fully.
I'm off to join my kids now. We are doing Christmas crafts and decorations for the house.
Now on Black Friday, what did you do? I shopped till I about dropped. Yes, I know that I have already made my list and checked it twice. I know that I have already shopped and wrapped everything. And yes, I know that my closet is full of black garbage bags with those wrapped presents in them. But, I had to go out and just see if there was maybe one more thing out there. One gift calling my name because it was so ridiculously on sale! Buy me, buy me, I swear I could hear it over the loud ass foot ball game that Thanh had blaring in the living room.
Now what kind of person would I be if I ignored that little item that was on sale. I'll tell you, I would be a person with a few hundred dollars more in her pocket. Yes, I did spend a little more, but I saved a lot. This Christmas the kids are going to be amazed. We have had some pretty weak Christmas present giving in the past. But, God has provided for us this year. We will be able to sit back on Christmas morning and know that the kids are going to love their presents. And we know they are not going to break by dinner and we don't have to scratch the dollar store name off of the wrapping. Thank you Lord!!
But, I know where I've come from. I remember a time when Skylar and I stayed in an abandoned house in Florida. We spent the holidays one year in this house and a group of ladies came up to the door. I was scared to open it, because nobody knew I lived there. I had no electricity or water. You will have to get my book to read the whole story. But, the point I'm trying to say now is that these women were from a local church and they saved our Christmas. They brought food, both hot and canned. None of it needed to be refrigerated, they most have known my circumstances. And they brought presents for my sweet boy. I was shaken with delight, surprised that once again I was blessed. Skylar ran around with a tiny back pack filled with toys. He was so happy and that made me happy and sad. I felt sad because I worried if I would ever be able to give him this much joy and happiness on my own. Could I ever do it on my own....This is a scary thought when you are on the streets with a baby. Fear was my middle name, still is sometimes. So, if I seem a tad over kill about this Christmas, please know that I generally do not spoil my kids. And I definitely know the true meaning of Christmas. I'm just having a moment and I'm taking advantage of it fully.
I'm off to join my kids now. We are doing Christmas crafts and decorations for the house.
11.26.2008
Happy Day Before Turkey Day!
Yeeeaaaa Haaaaaw!!! I completed my scrapbook in just 3 little days and mailed it off to Thanh's Godmother. She is going to be so thrilled, because she has Never even seen a pic of Kaden. I took pics from the past two years of all of the kids and made the perfect Christmas gift for her.
Besides all that I have been busy cleaning up a storm for Thanksgiving. I have 14 people total that will be enjoying my Holiday Feast. The cold weather really bothers my joints, so I try and clean a little each day. Mahala and Skylar are sooooooo helpful too. I am truly blessed to have such great kids.
The kids chores are divided and posted on the fridge. I have Mahala's, Skylar's and then the House chores. House chores are for everyone to do.
Mahala's chores are to Vacuum the whole house once a week and the play areas twice a week.
Help fold laundry and put it away.
Clean the bathrooms real good once a week.
Keep her room clean.
Skylar's chores are to feed the dogs daily.
Do the dishes and sweep/mop the kitchen/dinning room.
Take out the garbage and recycling. This also is a daily job.
I help out with each chore, I always want the kids to know that chores are not a punishment it's a necessity. For instance Skylar does the dishes, but I always do the counters and stove. We joke and say that from the waist down I'm like the rusty Tin man and there ain't no oil around!! LOLOLOL
So, now I am off to chop and stir my stuff. I want to be as prepared as possible for tomorrow.
Here is my Menu-
Turkey- Duh!
Stuffing-southern style! It's goooooooooooooooooood!
Cranberry sauce-only from a can will do for my family!
Green bean casserole- a must
Garlic mashed potatoes-Mmmmmmmmmm!
Gravy- Duh!
Yams- with marshmallows!
Mac -N- Cheese- My Mom's recipe that I loved as a child & everyone begs me to make!
Rolls- yeasssssty!
Salad- To look healthy!
Pies- of course!
I think that is all. I don't have to do any of the appetizers or drinks & Paula is also taking care of the desserts except pies. Anna had to have pies so I bought some yesterday. Which just reminded me that I need whipped cream!
Did I leave anything else out?
Besides all that I have been busy cleaning up a storm for Thanksgiving. I have 14 people total that will be enjoying my Holiday Feast. The cold weather really bothers my joints, so I try and clean a little each day. Mahala and Skylar are sooooooo helpful too. I am truly blessed to have such great kids.
The kids chores are divided and posted on the fridge. I have Mahala's, Skylar's and then the House chores. House chores are for everyone to do.
Mahala's chores are to Vacuum the whole house once a week and the play areas twice a week.
Help fold laundry and put it away.
Clean the bathrooms real good once a week.
Keep her room clean.
Skylar's chores are to feed the dogs daily.
Do the dishes and sweep/mop the kitchen/dinning room.
Take out the garbage and recycling. This also is a daily job.
I help out with each chore, I always want the kids to know that chores are not a punishment it's a necessity. For instance Skylar does the dishes, but I always do the counters and stove. We joke and say that from the waist down I'm like the rusty Tin man and there ain't no oil around!! LOLOLOL
So, now I am off to chop and stir my stuff. I want to be as prepared as possible for tomorrow.
Here is my Menu-
Turkey- Duh!
Stuffing-southern style! It's goooooooooooooooooood!
Cranberry sauce-only from a can will do for my family!
Green bean casserole- a must
Garlic mashed potatoes-Mmmmmmmmmm!
Gravy- Duh!
Yams- with marshmallows!
Mac -N- Cheese- My Mom's recipe that I loved as a child & everyone begs me to make!
Rolls- yeasssssty!
Salad- To look healthy!
Pies- of course!
I think that is all. I don't have to do any of the appetizers or drinks & Paula is also taking care of the desserts except pies. Anna had to have pies so I bought some yesterday. Which just reminded me that I need whipped cream!
Did I leave anything else out?
11.18.2008
Men with White Coats enter Here
I tried to write last night, but I thought my anxiety would cause my writing to be even more grammatically incorrect then normal. As always I did the play by play of the night before my Dad died. Every year I do this silently in my head. WHY, WHY after 22 years do I still do this? In my head around this time I go back to being an eleven year old girl. And on the 17th of November life was how she knew it and the very next day all things familiar was gone.
I know I've written about the day my Dad died. You can go read it if you haven't already.
Right now as I type it is Nov. 18th 8:10am, we were still in the emergency room in 1986. Right this very moment I was sitting in a small room with a window in the door that looked into the room across the hall. I know now it was an unused triage room. I was looking out the window starring at a foot that was uncovered. It was my Dad's foot. I sat there crying, overwhelmed with emotions. I didn't finish writing about that day. And I am going to try and do that later today.
Last night the count down left me awake until just a few hours ago. I kept this year silent, not even telling Thanh about the replay of events running through my tired mind. I wanted to somehow crack the case, so to speak. As the day moved past the typical Monday at school stuff. I came home and did home work, snack, played outside. It gets cloudy around here, I try to focus but it's like trying to get HBO with Bunny ears!! Before Dad left for work that day I do remember very clearly him hollering at me to clean up my room, it was a mess. And I remember looking down at the ground and him telling me he was serious. My Dad didn't punish me often, but when he did it was feared. Mostly because I admired him and looked up to him sooooo much.
When we used to pick him up at the docks after being out to sea. I would watch him come down the metal stairs with a huge bag of laundry on his shoulders. He was in the Navy & I was so proud of him. He was so strong and magnificent in my eyes. Invincible is a word that comes to mind. He always came safely home to us. But, I think it was 1984 when they made him step off the boat, no more for you. His ticker wasn't right, stop the smoking they said. I wish that I would have been more like I am today, a nag. LOL Thanh will tell ya!! I just wish that I would have been old enough to say be healthier, stop smoking, take care of yourself for the love of heaven! Who knows maybe I did, but my controlling powers were not in full force yet! LOL
Anyway, I remember cleaning my room, but being mad at my Dad. I have forgiven myself for the many "child like" attitudes and thoughts I had that night. I also remember being in bed that night. I was on the top bunk and I can smell the new mattress smell even right now. It was a new bunk bed that had a desk and dresser underneath. The window let in the light from the outside streetlight. The light always seemed to bounce off my sheer curtains and glow. It was almost the early morning light that I love so much. I wish I could remember my thoughts. I was supposed to get up early the next morning to go to dress rehearsal at school. I was going to be in the nutcracker musical. Can you believe I still preformed in it just 3 weeks after we buried Dad. I was so sick and didn't want to go, but my Aunts said I should do it for Mom and Mom said I should do it for Dad.
So, last night I was in bed and I didn't want to go to sleep. It was like I was scared. What can I do now, I can't save him. I can't go back in time. But, every year I do the same thing over and over. I pray that when I die my kids do not torment themselves the way I do. But, I know that my control issues cause me to believe that if I would have done things differently maybe he would not have died. Now in my sane mind I know this is not possible, so you don't have to send in the men with white coats just yet. But, the hopeful, little girl in me is terrified and clawing at any possibility. I can't seem to snuff the little girl out. Maybe I don't want to. Maybe she is my link to the past, the way I can remember. I don't want to ever forget them. It scares me, because I don't remember what their laughs sounded like. I can't hear their voices anymore. All I have is some pictures and silent memories left.
I know I've written about the day my Dad died. You can go read it if you haven't already.
Right now as I type it is Nov. 18th 8:10am, we were still in the emergency room in 1986. Right this very moment I was sitting in a small room with a window in the door that looked into the room across the hall. I know now it was an unused triage room. I was looking out the window starring at a foot that was uncovered. It was my Dad's foot. I sat there crying, overwhelmed with emotions. I didn't finish writing about that day. And I am going to try and do that later today.
Last night the count down left me awake until just a few hours ago. I kept this year silent, not even telling Thanh about the replay of events running through my tired mind. I wanted to somehow crack the case, so to speak. As the day moved past the typical Monday at school stuff. I came home and did home work, snack, played outside. It gets cloudy around here, I try to focus but it's like trying to get HBO with Bunny ears!! Before Dad left for work that day I do remember very clearly him hollering at me to clean up my room, it was a mess. And I remember looking down at the ground and him telling me he was serious. My Dad didn't punish me often, but when he did it was feared. Mostly because I admired him and looked up to him sooooo much.
When we used to pick him up at the docks after being out to sea. I would watch him come down the metal stairs with a huge bag of laundry on his shoulders. He was in the Navy & I was so proud of him. He was so strong and magnificent in my eyes. Invincible is a word that comes to mind. He always came safely home to us. But, I think it was 1984 when they made him step off the boat, no more for you. His ticker wasn't right, stop the smoking they said. I wish that I would have been more like I am today, a nag. LOL Thanh will tell ya!! I just wish that I would have been old enough to say be healthier, stop smoking, take care of yourself for the love of heaven! Who knows maybe I did, but my controlling powers were not in full force yet! LOL
Anyway, I remember cleaning my room, but being mad at my Dad. I have forgiven myself for the many "child like" attitudes and thoughts I had that night. I also remember being in bed that night. I was on the top bunk and I can smell the new mattress smell even right now. It was a new bunk bed that had a desk and dresser underneath. The window let in the light from the outside streetlight. The light always seemed to bounce off my sheer curtains and glow. It was almost the early morning light that I love so much. I wish I could remember my thoughts. I was supposed to get up early the next morning to go to dress rehearsal at school. I was going to be in the nutcracker musical. Can you believe I still preformed in it just 3 weeks after we buried Dad. I was so sick and didn't want to go, but my Aunts said I should do it for Mom and Mom said I should do it for Dad.
So, last night I was in bed and I didn't want to go to sleep. It was like I was scared. What can I do now, I can't save him. I can't go back in time. But, every year I do the same thing over and over. I pray that when I die my kids do not torment themselves the way I do. But, I know that my control issues cause me to believe that if I would have done things differently maybe he would not have died. Now in my sane mind I know this is not possible, so you don't have to send in the men with white coats just yet. But, the hopeful, little girl in me is terrified and clawing at any possibility. I can't seem to snuff the little girl out. Maybe I don't want to. Maybe she is my link to the past, the way I can remember. I don't want to ever forget them. It scares me, because I don't remember what their laughs sounded like. I can't hear their voices anymore. All I have is some pictures and silent memories left.
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