Tools for Positive Living

Today I was sharing how I turn negative thoughts and self-talk around to encourage and nurture myself.... 

Read More HERE

Healing Songs of Worship

There is a song from Kari Jobe that I run to when life is too much to handle....Do You have a song that speaks volumes of relief to your heart when it is in need?  I'm so Blessed to know that we are not alone….we can get through any struggle with the Lord.

When I walk through deep waters
I know that you will be with me
When I’m standing in the fire
I will not be overcome

Through the valley of the shadow

Growing from Trauma

It was a week before I turned 13 that my Mom went to live with Jesus. I can't believe it's been 30 years. That seems like such a lifetime ago. I had just lost my Dad the year before and every since he went to live with Jesus I was running scared.  I was scared of everything, like a bundle of exposed nerves.

It took a long time to feel normal after my parents died, especially after Mom's death. But, I made it, it can happen. If anyone is reading this that feels like life will never be the same after you lose someone so close to you, someone that felt like you shared the same heart beat. You will, I promise...but it will take time. Allow yourself to take the time. Don't get wrapped up in the anger so long that it causes you to be a bitter, nasty person that cares about nothing and no one. I know a little bit about that. Even a little girl will go through the same process a 50 year old person would. Talk about it and surround yourself with people who love you. People who want what's best for you. I didn't have that when I was little.  I was surrounded by people who wanted to hurt me and abuse me.

After the reveal of my Husband's addiction and going through extensive therapy my eyes have been opened to the damage that was done to me.  That the lack of support, therapy, love and just being able to work through my emotions regarding my childhood has caused me to build walls around me so tall that I couldn't see the damage going on outside those walls.  The damage to myself, my kids and even the secret life my Husband was living so dangerously.

Every year since adulthood I become anxious a few weeks before Easter. Sometimes it's worse then others. The past few years though I have tried very hard to stay positive. I want to celebrate her life, not grieve the loss of her. After 30 years I'm finally able to do this. I'm able to appreciate the time I did have with her.  Mom was very sick, I basically watched her slowly die for 2+ years. So, I knew she was in a better place. She had left the pain behind her. But, the problem was I picked up that pain unfortunately where she left it. Sounds crazy I know. But I have done a ton of soul searching over the years. Lot's of personal therapy, journaling, EMDR, you name it...I've done it.   As a child and young adult I was all alone with my emotions, my fears, my pain. It was as though I became trapped in the fear, pain and worries of those last few years. Reliving it over and over, but involving the current life situations that was around me. Because life goes on....it will not stop just because you need it to do so. And time will never rewind, trust me I have tried to. I have begged and pleaded with God for it to happen, just once.  Since I was 12 I have been on medication for being Bipolar.....now I know that I was never Bipolar.  I have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD).  After all these years I am finally working on me and learning why I deal with life the way I deal with life.  Unlocking past trauma and actually working through it instead of stuffing it in a closet. 

Her name was Violet, it's a Beautiful name. It's the name of a flower and the prettiest color I know. The evening sky can be Violet and early morning before even the birds want to peak their little heads up out of their beds. Most importantly Violet was my Mom, she gave me life. She carried me in the warmth of her belly and nourished my soul with every deep breath she took. She held me tight when I was scared and chased away the monsters that hid in my closet. She kissed my forehead when I was sick in bed and let me stay up late when her and Daddy played cards. She laughed wildly I guess like I do now. Even though I can't remember the sound of her voice or the smell of her perfume I know that she was beautiful with a heart of an Angel. She was so kind hearted, always doing for others and giving of herself.
She will always be in my heart. And I want her to be in the hearts of my kids too. Which is why this year I am going to share some stories with the kids and look through pictures of her with them. I want them to know about her bravery as she fought for her life. I want them to know how kind her heart was and how generous she was. I want them to never forget the person who I called Momma.

Calming the Everyday

Do you ever feel like you have multiple lists, zillions of ideas and loads of to dos that you don't know where to start?  I feel this daily which is why I eliminate all the noise in my life.  Unnecessary noise like reality tv, the news, social media in excess, commitments that are not necessary and toxic relationships.
I also added daily traditions and moments that bring simplicity, peace and clarity to my soul.  I can not live a day without high vibration music, scripture reading and affirmations.  Deep breathing, meditation, clean food and essential oils and herbs all develop a much needed rhythm to my life.  It becomes second nature over time to reach for a pillow and practice 10 minutes of deep breathing when something out of your control happens.  Or when the vibe is low in the house and tension is thick to run my diffuser, turn up some high vibe music and open my Bible.
Passing these life tools to our kids is so important .  In the past if it was a stressful day we would medicate with food or numb out with tv.  This was how I grew up and I realized in my early 30's there was a better way to handle the ups and downs in life.  
How do you deal with the stress of life?  What are some techniques that feed your soul and calm you?

Tuesday Self-Talk ~ Four Violet

This is my very 1st Tuesday in my Tuesday Self-Talk Series over at Four Violet...... I wanted to share on here too.  Check it out each week, because we are commanded to Love ourselves and what better way to do that then to Power Up our Self-Talk!!!  No more Negativity!!!  God created us Beautifully in His likeness.  

I have found that Daily Affirmations are a positive way to start your day.  Or when you start battling negative self-talk, try one of these instead. :)  In the Bible it says Proverbs 23:7 “For as he thinks in his heart, so is he…” What we think, we’ll eventually say and what we say is very powerful.  We can speak words of life and we can speak words of cursing.  The Bible warns us to guard our thoughts and mouths.  Proverbs 18:20-21 says “From the fruit of his mouth a man’s stomach is filled; with the harvest from his lips he is satisfied.  The tongue has the power of life and death and those who love it will eat its fruit.”  Bellow are just a Few Affirmations to get You started, I'll share more each week.  I have mine written on index cards on my bathroom mirror, dash of my van, at my desk and in my planner.....get creative and let your Self Love Flooooow!

*I am strong.
 

*I am wise.
 

*I am precious in the eyes of God.
 

*I can love and be loved.
 

*I have power to choose my course in life.
 

*I accept my self for who I am.

*I replace my anger with understanding and compassion.

*I know that God’s unfailing love surrounds me and that I can trust Him.

*I have everything I need.  

*I trust my ever-increasing ability to eliminate the non-essential and appreciate that which matters.

Finding Peace Amongst the Stucco

Being on this trip has opened my eyes to a lot!  Honestly, this should be a prerequisite in life....get an RV, some road maps, limited funds and see the country.  I think it's because we have soooo many distractions in the "real world".  We allow non-important things to take our focus away from what really matters the most.  For me that's trying to be better then I'm even capable of being..... expectations through the roof!  That's seeing my child with Autism as a round peg that I'm trying to squeeze into a neurotypical square hole.  That's me basing my Marriage on Ideals I've made up in my mind through dreams, shows, self-help books and once again the almighty expectations that I've glued my life together on.  
Living day to day in a 4,000 sq ft house in Suburbia where everything is manicured and everyone smiles makes a person look at themselves with criticism on their tongues, no matter how ridiculous it may be.  It's real, the need to be better...perfect...other then who you woke up as is strong.
Now, strip away the house, the Whole Foods, internet, nosy neighbors, to do lists, running water, reality tv and add an RV, some spotty cell phone reception, a generator, sunscreen, maps, Family and time.  This will give you a wake up call.   That first morning that we were on the road I woke up and thought....is this legal....can we just drive around and live out of this thing....are we qualified?????  Here we are week 5 and I'm more in-touch with who I am then ever before...sounds crazy I know.  But, I've lived a life of pleasing others and living up to unobtainable expectations.  Only recently through my Husband's addiction have I regain self worth and took my life back that I so freely gave away as a child. 

So, what does this look like?  For me it has given me Freedom to spend my day on my terms, for my benefit....not just the benefit of others.  I have reconnected with Nature....being Native American feels real to me now.  Used to it was just something I knew I was.  But, to walk where possibly your ancestors have walked and to be surrounded by untouched nature in the Smoky Mountains that once surrounded them brought it to life for me.  Being there aloud dots to be connected and peace filled me.  I live in an area where the support sticks are bigger then the actual trees.  I'm surrounded by stucco, roads, people and things to do next a mile long.  But, for me to truly Thrive and not just Live I need Nature, Peace and Solitude. 

Being on the road we would wake up each morning and look forward to where we were going, discovering places on the road and off the beaten path have been therapeutic and healing for my heart.  I'm sad that it will end soon.  I could spend the rest of my life doing this.  Hunting, Collecting and Creating Moments to share with my Family.  No more will I worry about what I don't have or what it may look like to others when Kaden is having a meltdown.  I will not get caught up in the act of rushing through my to do lists or sign up to be apart of every Bible study, book club or play date.  As long as the Lord has me in Suburbia I will be creating my own little piece of Nature and Solitude right there in the middle of all the crazy....

Message from the Lord....

I Quickly wanted to share one of my Favorite Quotes that I heard a few months after Discovery of My Husband's Addiction.  

“God wont Protect You from What He will Perfect You through”.

This gave me a world of comfort and relief….I knew God had my life under control, even if it didn’t look like it to me.  Like that whole Tapestry story…..underneath the huge needlepoint tapestry is a huge mess of strings and tangled knots.  So many stray colors and lengths of thread, you couldn’t make out heads or tails of what the picture on the other side looks like.  But, when you walk around to the front you see the Beauty of His masterpiece.  It’s clear now….the storms are calm….You are His Masterpiece.  And He has created You for His work, to Love Him, to Live for Him, to Trust Him.
Your life may look like a mess now, but I promise God has a plan…..just Believe and have Faith.  Sending you all Love from my Heart and Praying Daily for You all……

God Shaped Hole

Every since I was knee high to a grasshopper I’ve had a Special relationship with the Lord.  I remember nights singing to him until I would fall asleep.  I’d tell him all my secrets most little girls would whisper to their Barbie dolls or friends on the playground.  I would secretly pray to him when an ambulance whizzed by or when I caught a glimpse of tragedy on the nightly news.  
This all came about I’m sure because every single year I was in a new school, new town, new house….thanks to my Dad serving in the Navy.  I never connected with people, never had the sleepover, back yard birthday party experience.  It was just me, my parents, and the Lord.  I never realized how important my relationship would truly become one day.  How I would need to depend and lean on Him so much.  That one day I would not be able to breathe without him filling my lungs first.

Blast from the Past with an Update!

October 2013 
Have You heard that saying the Proof is in the Pudding?   I'm sure you have, we all have.  I said this to my Son today and my 13 year old asked me what it meant exactly.  I explained to her and she was like, what's Skylar's pudding going to prove?  I don't know....that's why the Cake will rise, the Froth will form, the Peaks will be beat!  Ok, maybe It's that time of the month and I'm overly dramatic and craving a ton of sweets.  But, You get the idea!!

Serenity Prayer....Courage

Courage to change the things I can.

By surrendering to God I won’t be ashamed while he guides me throughout my life.   And my heart will be confident and fearless as I listen for his sweet voice.  I pray for this every single day, sometimes it’s hard to find the courage…to be fearless as you live your life.  But, it’s so Beautiful when you do…..listen for his voice.

Isaiah 41:10  (HCSB)

¹⁰ Do not fear, for I am with you;
do not be afraid, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you; I will help you;
I will hold on to you with My righteous right hand.

Praying for Serenity.....

The Serenity Prayer is so Special to me….There is not a day that goes by that I don’t reach out to God in prayer.  Over the next few days I thought we could take a closer look at the Serenity Prayer.

God, Grant me the Serenity to ACCEPT the things I cannot change…….

God does His greatest work when we surrender our lives and all that’s in it over to Him.   Especially things that are out of our control.  This was extremely hard for me to do before and after Discovery.  I had such an abusive childhood filled with trauma that as an adult it was hard to not feel like I needed to control every aspect of my life.  Especially after Discovery, I wanted to regain some sort of control of my life.  But, I learned that letting go and letting God is the only way to truly live in Serenity.  I choose Serenity over a chaotic heart any day!!!

  What can you surrender over to God today?

Job 11:13-15 Holman Christian Standard Bible (HCSB)

¹³ As for you, if you redirect your heart and lift up your hands to Him in prayer— ¹⁴ if there is iniquity in your hand, remove it, and don’t allow injustice to dwell in your tents— ¹⁵ then you will hold your head high, free from fault. You will be firmly established and unafraid.

My Husband found God in the Closet

One day I will have my Husband share his story, but for today I will retell it how I remember.  This is a story about unconditional love, forgiveness, acceptance and transparency.  This is my Husband’s story about his journey to find God in the closet.
It had only been a few days since he had shared with me the disgusting details of his Secret life of prostitutes, strip clubs and massage parlors.  I was numb and hollow inside, it was all I could do to feed the kids every day and interact with the therapists that came daily to work with our youngest Son with Autism.
I remember laying on the bed covered with tissues and reeking of Alcohol just staring off at the wall.  I was hating myself and I just wanted to float away, to never exist.  Hubby came and stood at the foot of the bed and stared.  He was a wreck, I know he was.  We weren’t eating, sleeping….just putting out fires and rehashing the past 10 years over and over until we passed out from exhaustion.  He looked on over me wanting to take my pain away.  I knew deep down he did love and care for me.  But, I didn’t trust him at all and at that point I knew we could never stay together.  I didn’t want to, I was going to just tolerate him for the next week or two and then that was it I was going to just leave.  I knew physically I couldn’t do it right this very moment.  But, once I gathered strength and could form thoughts that involved something other than what was crashing down in my life I would run.

More can be Read HERE

New Blog Journey!!!!

I have been consumed with getting the garden set up and preparing Summer school curriculum for the kiddos.  Not to mention I took the plunge and decided to start a new blog to document our Family's journey with Addiction.  It's not easy and if someone would have told me almost 2 years ago that we would be where we are now I would have punched them.  So, here we are better then we ever have been in our whole marriage and I want to share with people who are where I was almost 2 years ago.  I want to share how we made it through the dark and scary tunnel known as addiction.  It wasn't easy, it's still the hardest thing I have EVER gone through.  But, if I knew then what I know now I would have taken the same path.  Yes, I would have still married him and loved him and prayed for him and then take on this challenge in-order to have this God centered Marriage we have right this moment.  Thank You Jesus!!!!
I'm not hiding anymore, I feel like the Lord has called me to share and to give support where I can.  I have seen first hand God lovingly grip my Husband and pull him through his darkest hours.  He has mended me back together people.  I was literally in pieces and I can walk again.  God needs all the Glory for this Miracle!!!!  This is Short and Sweet....if you know someone struggling with their Marriage with or without addiction pass my new blog on to them.  If you are interested or just curious follow along on our journey too.  Please Pray for us as a Family, pray for my strength as I share some impossible stories and pray for my Husband's Recovery. 

New Blog:

 Recovering in Suburbia

1 Corinthians 10:13 No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it.

Colored Glasses ~ Part 2

When I look back now it was all so clear.  I mean it was almost text book material over here.  And with that realization came a dump truck full of self loathing and honestly wondering if I should even be trusted to make a call on when to toss the out dated milk from the fridge.  Everything seemed impossible to deal with, nothing could be trusted and everything was raw. 

Now, almost 17 months later I am ready to share the miracle that we have experienced in our Family.  

Recovery.....Healing.....Forgiveness.....Understanding

 Let, me go on record here 1st by saying I never thought any of those things could possibly happen.  I was ready to walk out the door with my basket of colored glasses.  But, something stopped me.  Actually a feeling stopped me and I know it was the gentle hand of God.  And I'm so very thankful that I chose to stay.  And now I have to get the word out, that there is a way to work through what my marriage has been through.  

My Husband has a Sex Addiction and Our Family is alive and well.  Walk along with me as I share my story.

Living with the Tiger we call Autism

Life with Autism is kind of like living in the house with a wild Tiger.  There are moments where you want to just sit back and enjoy the majestic beauty as it frolics along playing quietly.  You are careful not to disturb the Tiger because if it's taken away too soon from what it's interested in you could be in trouble.  If the Tiger is annoyed or startled you could be in for a loud outburst and thrashing of anger is what will eventually tucker the aggravated tiger out.  You never know what it's thinking, you just have to carefully pay attention to his body language, activity and the way it sounds.  

This is life with Kaden, we have had a good several days, but we know we can never just let our guard down.  We can't just relax completely and forget what truly lurks inside our boy.  He is the sweetest child I have ever known.  He is caring and can be gentle and is so smart.  He hears things and never forgets them, he just adds it to what he already knows.  His mind is brilliant the way he works with numbers and figures things out before the question is even finished.  It is easy to forget the Tiger he has within him.  It's easy to let your guard down and slip into a routine destined for failure.  

With the kids recently coming home last Saturday night from their Missions Trip it changed up the schedule just a little too much.  We allowed a little more video game time for Kaden then normal, less school work and structured time.  We let him stay up longer, get off of his diet and didn't give all the physical stimuli he needs in order to release the energy inside.  So, now I sit here Tuesday morning with the walls shaking from his screams.  As he bounces his body off of the walls, trashes his room and blurts out things Mommas don't want to ever hear her kids say.  I can restrain, I can yell, I can cry, I can do a million things right now, but nothing will stop his behavior.  We have had the therapy, we know what to expect and we know what to do.  We wait, we pray, we stay strong and the storm will pass and he will end up at my feet making little puppy sounds.  I will wait until he touches me, which indicates it's ok for me to touch him.  I will hold him and he will hum and make noises.  Now that we have a service dog, he comes and helps.  He weathers the whole storm usually right beside him unless I'm afraid he may get hurt in the whirlwind of Kaden's meltdown.  After Kaden is limp in my arms or beanbag for several minutes he will normally cry softly and then get up like nothing has happened.  If it was very physical like it was today he will need to sleep it off after several glasses of water.

As I write this sentence he is putting on his essential oils and sipping water.  And now he's grabbing the basket ball to roll and kick up and down the stairs.  It's constant pressure and stimuli that his Body needs.  He needs education and essential oils to engage and sooth him Mentally.  He needs sleep and silence or soothing music to repair and rebuild his Mind.  And of course the Lord and Prayer to calm and fill his Soul.
Everyday is an adventure, just some are more enjoyable then others.  Pray for us all!

Sibling Education Takes Flight

You know those days when you think the only thing holding you upright is your bones, some invisible heavy duty string and the good Lord's firm grip?  Yes, well, I've been having one of those lifetimes.  Ok, probably only the past 5 years or so, but seriously.  Enough is enough already.....I am turning 40 in a few months and I am going to be working super hard to take back my health, both mentally and physically.  

Isaiah 41:10 So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

For now I am going with the flow, getting things done when I have the strength and loving on my Kids.  That's the most important thing to me.  I have learned so much this year about the importance of loving on your kids, giving them an environment that supports them and nurtures them.  In our school Bible time, Math, Reading and Art are the important areas we work on in some way every single day.  History and Science usually comes in the form of reading and experimenting.  We actually do a lot of History through art also.

Last week Kaden was talking about an aerodynamics class he took last year.  We decided to dig around and find his old notes and pictures.  There is so much out there to learn.  I Love this about homeschooling....anything can be turned into a learning experience.  We looked online and learned about flight patterns, airplane construction and we even added weather into the mix.  Mahala was also able to join in and since she is much older she brought a lot of additional questions, knowledge and project ideas that enhanced learning for both of them.  Sibling Education rocks, when you have a few of your kiddos working together not only does it make learning easier and fun, but it also promotes a close Family Bond.  They will not ever forget the times they had growing up and learning side by side.

 

After a few hours of researching and recording what they had learned in their Journals we decided to paint some airplanes and fly them at the park.  Kaden was going for a war plan look while Mahala went the more cartoon character look.  I can't believe I don't have a picture of hers.  :(  She liked her plane so much she decided to take her second plane that wasn't painted yet to the park so her painted plane wouldn't get messed up.  Kaden tried to reassure her that the battle scars would give it character, but she wasn't buying that. :)  

When we arrived at the park we realized that it was extremely windy and flying these Styrofoam planes was going to take an act of God.  Sure enough after 2 tries they took flight alright, but they flew straight to the back stop of the ball field.  They were Not coming down anytime soon, but of course the kids both had to try jumping and rattling the fence.  We gave up trying to get them down and played a game of Frisbee and tag.  When we went back an hour or so latter they were still hanging on.  Mahala had an idea to toss the Frisbee up to knock them down.  After several tries between Kaden and Mahala we walked away owners of two wind beatened airplanes.  HAHAHAHA  

Fun times Homeschooling in the Mainc House!

God Shaped Hole

Every since I was knee high to a grasshopper I've had a Special relationship with the Lord.  I remember nights singing to him until I would fall asleep.  I'd tell him all my secrets most little girls would whisper to their Barbie dolls or friends on the playground.  I would secretly pray to him when an ambulance whizzed by or when I caught a glimpse of tragedy on the nightly news.  

This all came about I'm sure because every single year I was in a new school, new town, new house....thanks to my Dad serving in the Navy.  I never connected with people, never had the sleepover, back yard birthday party experience.  It was just me, my parents, and the Lord.  I never realized how important my relationship would truly become one day.  How I would need to depend and lean on Him so much.  That one day I would not be able to breathe without him filling my lungs first.

Even as I grew up and became a young adult God was my center rock.  As life changed and I married there became a distance between God and I.  Almost like a child moving out and starting their own life.  Coming home to visit only when laundry needs to be washed or a late bill needs desperately paid.  That was me in my late 20's and early 30's.  Autism, Kids, making my Husband happy, homeschooling, health matters, money, just life in general became my primary focus.  God was just for church, nightly prayers and the daily distress pleas.  

I lost my relationship, Not my Belief.  

It took something drastic in my Family to bring me to my knees.  To fall at the Lord's feet and have the Veil lifted from my eyes.  I had been running scared for years instead of living in light.  It's a Beautiful thing to wake up without a heavy confused heart.  I have this amazing sense of Peace!  

We all have a God Shaped Hole that we try to fill up with  

 money, addictions, other people's love and approval, material things, desires, job titles, fame, likes and friends on social media and ton of other things that make us Stay in Denial.  

But, when we realize that Nothing fits in that hole but a relationship with God we will then find Peace, Wholeness, Acceptance, Love, Contentment, Grace, Satisfaction, Thankfulness, Hope, Health, Friendship and Clarity.  I have this right now, just like I did as a little girl.  

Have you ever experienced this kind of Spiritual Transformation?