Letting your Light Shine

Here s a verse that has been on my heart and mind......

*Matthew 5:14-16 “You are the light of the world. A city on a hill cannot be hidden. Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl. Instead they put it on its stand, and it gives light to everyone in the house. In the same way, let your light shine before men, that they may see your good deeds and praise your Father in heaven.”


A city on a hill cannot be hidden.... that is so true, and who lights a lamp to only cover it up under a bowl?  Makes absolutely no sense to me.  And yet I do it, I make a choice every single day.  Most days I'm not proud of my choices.  I have to ask myself...who is my flame representing when I speak to my family?  Who do I illuminate on social media?  What are my efforts for in this life?  Unstable fame and recognition here on earth or everlasting companionship and life in the hereafter?  It's a no brainier to me in theory, but It's the commitment and the action that makes my human side crumble in defeat most days.  Which is why every single day I have to set my intention, my heart and my mind on letting my light shine for the Lord.  Each day is a new chance to do better then the day before.
Who does your light shine for today?

Growing from Trauma

It was a week before I turned 13 that my Mom went to live with Jesus. I can't believe it's been 30 years. That seems like such a lifetime ago. I had just lost my Dad the year before and every since he went to live with Jesus I was running scared.  I was scared of everything, like a bundle of exposed nerves.

It took a long time to feel normal after my parents died, especially after Mom's death. But, I made it, it can happen. If anyone is reading this that feels like life will never be the same after you lose someone so close to you, someone that felt like you shared the same heart beat. You will, I promise...but it will take time. Allow yourself to take the time. Don't get wrapped up in the anger so long that it causes you to be a bitter, nasty person that cares about nothing and no one. I know a little bit about that. Even a little girl will go through the same process a 50 year old person would. Talk about it and surround yourself with people who love you. People who want what's best for you. I didn't have that when I was little.  I was surrounded by people who wanted to hurt me and abuse me.

After the reveal of my Husband's addiction and going through extensive therapy my eyes have been opened to the damage that was done to me.  That the lack of support, therapy, love and just being able to work through my emotions regarding my childhood has caused me to build walls around me so tall that I couldn't see the damage going on outside those walls.  The damage to myself, my kids and even the secret life my Husband was living so dangerously.

Every year since adulthood I become anxious a few weeks before Easter. Sometimes it's worse then others. The past few years though I have tried very hard to stay positive. I want to celebrate her life, not grieve the loss of her. After 30 years I'm finally able to do this. I'm able to appreciate the time I did have with her.  Mom was very sick, I basically watched her slowly die for 2+ years. So, I knew she was in a better place. She had left the pain behind her. But, the problem was I picked up that pain unfortunately where she left it. Sounds crazy I know. But I have done a ton of soul searching over the years. Lot's of personal therapy, journaling, EMDR, you name it...I've done it.   As a child and young adult I was all alone with my emotions, my fears, my pain. It was as though I became trapped in the fear, pain and worries of those last few years. Reliving it over and over, but involving the current life situations that was around me. Because life goes on....it will not stop just because you need it to do so. And time will never rewind, trust me I have tried to. I have begged and pleaded with God for it to happen, just once.  Since I was 12 I have been on medication for being Bipolar.....now I know that I was never Bipolar.  I have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD).  After all these years I am finally working on me and learning why I deal with life the way I deal with life.  Unlocking past trauma and actually working through it instead of stuffing it in a closet. 

Her name was Violet, it's a Beautiful name. It's the name of a flower and the prettiest color I know. The evening sky can be Violet and early morning before even the birds want to peak their little heads up out of their beds. Most importantly Violet was my Mom, she gave me life. She carried me in the warmth of her belly and nourished my soul with every deep breath she took. She held me tight when I was scared and chased away the monsters that hid in my closet. She kissed my forehead when I was sick in bed and let me stay up late when her and Daddy played cards. She laughed wildly I guess like I do now. Even though I can't remember the sound of her voice or the smell of her perfume I know that she was beautiful with a heart of an Angel. She was so kind hearted, always doing for others and giving of herself.
She will always be in my heart. And I want her to be in the hearts of my kids too. Which is why this year I am going to share some stories with the kids and look through pictures of her with them. I want them to know about her bravery as she fought for her life. I want them to know how kind her heart was and how generous she was. I want them to never forget the person who I called Momma.

Message from the Lord....

I Quickly wanted to share one of my Favorite Quotes that I heard a few months after Discovery of My Husband's Addiction.  

“God wont Protect You from What He will Perfect You through”.

This gave me a world of comfort and relief….I knew God had my life under control, even if it didn’t look like it to me.  Like that whole Tapestry story…..underneath the huge needlepoint tapestry is a huge mess of strings and tangled knots.  So many stray colors and lengths of thread, you couldn’t make out heads or tails of what the picture on the other side looks like.  But, when you walk around to the front you see the Beauty of His masterpiece.  It’s clear now….the storms are calm….You are His Masterpiece.  And He has created You for His work, to Love Him, to Live for Him, to Trust Him.
Your life may look like a mess now, but I promise God has a plan…..just Believe and have Faith.  Sending you all Love from my Heart and Praying Daily for You all……

The Green Blanket

The air has been much colder these past few days. Not only does the cold air mess with my lupus infested bones, but it plays with my mind too. I have a ton of bad memories that get jarred when cold weather hits.
One of the times that hurts was when it was just Skylar and I. I was a single Mom with that boy. A scared, single Mom all alone that did what she had to do.

God Shaped Hole

Every since I was knee high to a grasshopper I’ve had a Special relationship with the Lord.  I remember nights singing to him until I would fall asleep.  I’d tell him all my secrets most little girls would whisper to their Barbie dolls or friends on the playground.  I would secretly pray to him when an ambulance whizzed by or when I caught a glimpse of tragedy on the nightly news.  
This all came about I’m sure because every single year I was in a new school, new town, new house….thanks to my Dad serving in the Navy.  I never connected with people, never had the sleepover, back yard birthday party experience.  It was just me, my parents, and the Lord.  I never realized how important my relationship would truly become one day.  How I would need to depend and lean on Him so much.  That one day I would not be able to breathe without him filling my lungs first.

Serenity Prayer....Courage

Courage to change the things I can.

By surrendering to God I won’t be ashamed while he guides me throughout my life.   And my heart will be confident and fearless as I listen for his sweet voice.  I pray for this every single day, sometimes it’s hard to find the courage…to be fearless as you live your life.  But, it’s so Beautiful when you do…..listen for his voice.

Isaiah 41:10  (HCSB)

¹⁰ Do not fear, for I am with you;
do not be afraid, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you; I will help you;
I will hold on to you with My righteous right hand.

Praying for Serenity.....

The Serenity Prayer is so Special to me….There is not a day that goes by that I don’t reach out to God in prayer.  Over the next few days I thought we could take a closer look at the Serenity Prayer.

God, Grant me the Serenity to ACCEPT the things I cannot change…….

God does His greatest work when we surrender our lives and all that’s in it over to Him.   Especially things that are out of our control.  This was extremely hard for me to do before and after Discovery.  I had such an abusive childhood filled with trauma that as an adult it was hard to not feel like I needed to control every aspect of my life.  Especially after Discovery, I wanted to regain some sort of control of my life.  But, I learned that letting go and letting God is the only way to truly live in Serenity.  I choose Serenity over a chaotic heart any day!!!

  What can you surrender over to God today?

Job 11:13-15 Holman Christian Standard Bible (HCSB)

¹³ As for you, if you redirect your heart and lift up your hands to Him in prayer— ¹⁴ if there is iniquity in your hand, remove it, and don’t allow injustice to dwell in your tents— ¹⁵ then you will hold your head high, free from fault. You will be firmly established and unafraid.

And God was There all Along!

We had recently moved a few months before I found out about my Husband’s addiction.  There was a church SUPER close to our new house, like i can almost see the lights from the end of my road.  We had been going to church off and on for years.  I grew up in the church and I have valued my close relationship with the Lord my whole life.  I am here to tell you I have been in situations in my life that I would not have escaped if there was no God.  I will scream from the roof tops that I know there is a God and he has literally had to carry me much of my young adult life and all of my childhood.  Life just has not been smooth sailing for me and I look at it usually as time to strengthen my relationship with God.

So, back to the church….it was a church that we had went to a few times, because we knew we were going to be moving there.  When I say we I mean mainly the kids and I.  My Husband usually made excuses as to why he couldn’t go.  One of the most common was our youngest with Autism couldn’t handle the noise and wouldn’t dare stay in the nursery or kid classes.  So, when we did go to church he would stay home and watch porn watch our son.

I remember the Sunday before I found out I went to church with the kids minus the little guy and Husband of course.  I remember singing and praying.  I prayed for the same thing over and over.  I bet you can guess what it was about….my Husband.  I would always pray that the Lord would soften his heart.  To keep him safe in all that he did and that he would find happiness in the kids and I.  Over and over I would ask the Lord to help me be a better wife, so that my Husband would love me and want to spend time with me.  I would beg God to help my Kids behave and to give my Husband the eyes to see how amazing they really were.

Read more Here!

My Husband found God in the Closet

One day I will have my Husband share his story, but for today I will retell it how I remember.  This is a story about unconditional love, forgiveness, acceptance and transparency.  This is my Husband’s story about his journey to find God in the closet.
It had only been a few days since he had shared with me the disgusting details of his Secret life of prostitutes, strip clubs and massage parlors.  I was numb and hollow inside, it was all I could do to feed the kids every day and interact with the therapists that came daily to work with our youngest Son with Autism.
I remember laying on the bed covered with tissues and reeking of Alcohol just staring off at the wall.  I was hating myself and I just wanted to float away, to never exist.  Hubby came and stood at the foot of the bed and stared.  He was a wreck, I know he was.  We weren’t eating, sleeping….just putting out fires and rehashing the past 10 years over and over until we passed out from exhaustion.  He looked on over me wanting to take my pain away.  I knew deep down he did love and care for me.  But, I didn’t trust him at all and at that point I knew we could never stay together.  I didn’t want to, I was going to just tolerate him for the next week or two and then that was it I was going to just leave.  I knew physically I couldn’t do it right this very moment.  But, once I gathered strength and could form thoughts that involved something other than what was crashing down in my life I would run.

More can be Read HERE

New Blog Journey!!!!

I have been consumed with getting the garden set up and preparing Summer school curriculum for the kiddos.  Not to mention I took the plunge and decided to start a new blog to document our Family's journey with Addiction.  It's not easy and if someone would have told me almost 2 years ago that we would be where we are now I would have punched them.  So, here we are better then we ever have been in our whole marriage and I want to share with people who are where I was almost 2 years ago.  I want to share how we made it through the dark and scary tunnel known as addiction.  It wasn't easy, it's still the hardest thing I have EVER gone through.  But, if I knew then what I know now I would have taken the same path.  Yes, I would have still married him and loved him and prayed for him and then take on this challenge in-order to have this God centered Marriage we have right this moment.  Thank You Jesus!!!!
I'm not hiding anymore, I feel like the Lord has called me to share and to give support where I can.  I have seen first hand God lovingly grip my Husband and pull him through his darkest hours.  He has mended me back together people.  I was literally in pieces and I can walk again.  God needs all the Glory for this Miracle!!!!  This is Short and Sweet....if you know someone struggling with their Marriage with or without addiction pass my new blog on to them.  If you are interested or just curious follow along on our journey too.  Please Pray for us as a Family, pray for my strength as I share some impossible stories and pray for my Husband's Recovery. 

New Blog:

 Recovering in Suburbia

1 Corinthians 10:13 No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it.

Colored Glasses ~ Part 2

When I look back now it was all so clear.  I mean it was almost text book material over here.  And with that realization came a dump truck full of self loathing and honestly wondering if I should even be trusted to make a call on when to toss the out dated milk from the fridge.  Everything seemed impossible to deal with, nothing could be trusted and everything was raw. 

Now, almost 17 months later I am ready to share the miracle that we have experienced in our Family.  

Recovery.....Healing.....Forgiveness.....Understanding

 Let, me go on record here 1st by saying I never thought any of those things could possibly happen.  I was ready to walk out the door with my basket of colored glasses.  But, something stopped me.  Actually a feeling stopped me and I know it was the gentle hand of God.  And I'm so very thankful that I chose to stay.  And now I have to get the word out, that there is a way to work through what my marriage has been through.  

My Husband has a Sex Addiction and Our Family is alive and well.  Walk along with me as I share my story.

Living with the Tiger we call Autism

Life with Autism is kind of like living in the house with a wild Tiger.  There are moments where you want to just sit back and enjoy the majestic beauty as it frolics along playing quietly.  You are careful not to disturb the Tiger because if it's taken away too soon from what it's interested in you could be in trouble.  If the Tiger is annoyed or startled you could be in for a loud outburst and thrashing of anger is what will eventually tucker the aggravated tiger out.  You never know what it's thinking, you just have to carefully pay attention to his body language, activity and the way it sounds.  

This is life with Kaden, we have had a good several days, but we know we can never just let our guard down.  We can't just relax completely and forget what truly lurks inside our boy.  He is the sweetest child I have ever known.  He is caring and can be gentle and is so smart.  He hears things and never forgets them, he just adds it to what he already knows.  His mind is brilliant the way he works with numbers and figures things out before the question is even finished.  It is easy to forget the Tiger he has within him.  It's easy to let your guard down and slip into a routine destined for failure.  

With the kids recently coming home last Saturday night from their Missions Trip it changed up the schedule just a little too much.  We allowed a little more video game time for Kaden then normal, less school work and structured time.  We let him stay up longer, get off of his diet and didn't give all the physical stimuli he needs in order to release the energy inside.  So, now I sit here Tuesday morning with the walls shaking from his screams.  As he bounces his body off of the walls, trashes his room and blurts out things Mommas don't want to ever hear her kids say.  I can restrain, I can yell, I can cry, I can do a million things right now, but nothing will stop his behavior.  We have had the therapy, we know what to expect and we know what to do.  We wait, we pray, we stay strong and the storm will pass and he will end up at my feet making little puppy sounds.  I will wait until he touches me, which indicates it's ok for me to touch him.  I will hold him and he will hum and make noises.  Now that we have a service dog, he comes and helps.  He weathers the whole storm usually right beside him unless I'm afraid he may get hurt in the whirlwind of Kaden's meltdown.  After Kaden is limp in my arms or beanbag for several minutes he will normally cry softly and then get up like nothing has happened.  If it was very physical like it was today he will need to sleep it off after several glasses of water.

As I write this sentence he is putting on his essential oils and sipping water.  And now he's grabbing the basket ball to roll and kick up and down the stairs.  It's constant pressure and stimuli that his Body needs.  He needs education and essential oils to engage and sooth him Mentally.  He needs sleep and silence or soothing music to repair and rebuild his Mind.  And of course the Lord and Prayer to calm and fill his Soul.
Everyday is an adventure, just some are more enjoyable then others.  Pray for us all!

Sibling Education Takes Flight

You know those days when you think the only thing holding you upright is your bones, some invisible heavy duty string and the good Lord's firm grip?  Yes, well, I've been having one of those lifetimes.  Ok, probably only the past 5 years or so, but seriously.  Enough is enough already.....I am turning 40 in a few months and I am going to be working super hard to take back my health, both mentally and physically.  

Isaiah 41:10 So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

For now I am going with the flow, getting things done when I have the strength and loving on my Kids.  That's the most important thing to me.  I have learned so much this year about the importance of loving on your kids, giving them an environment that supports them and nurtures them.  In our school Bible time, Math, Reading and Art are the important areas we work on in some way every single day.  History and Science usually comes in the form of reading and experimenting.  We actually do a lot of History through art also.

Last week Kaden was talking about an aerodynamics class he took last year.  We decided to dig around and find his old notes and pictures.  There is so much out there to learn.  I Love this about homeschooling....anything can be turned into a learning experience.  We looked online and learned about flight patterns, airplane construction and we even added weather into the mix.  Mahala was also able to join in and since she is much older she brought a lot of additional questions, knowledge and project ideas that enhanced learning for both of them.  Sibling Education rocks, when you have a few of your kiddos working together not only does it make learning easier and fun, but it also promotes a close Family Bond.  They will not ever forget the times they had growing up and learning side by side.

 

After a few hours of researching and recording what they had learned in their Journals we decided to paint some airplanes and fly them at the park.  Kaden was going for a war plan look while Mahala went the more cartoon character look.  I can't believe I don't have a picture of hers.  :(  She liked her plane so much she decided to take her second plane that wasn't painted yet to the park so her painted plane wouldn't get messed up.  Kaden tried to reassure her that the battle scars would give it character, but she wasn't buying that. :)  

When we arrived at the park we realized that it was extremely windy and flying these Styrofoam planes was going to take an act of God.  Sure enough after 2 tries they took flight alright, but they flew straight to the back stop of the ball field.  They were Not coming down anytime soon, but of course the kids both had to try jumping and rattling the fence.  We gave up trying to get them down and played a game of Frisbee and tag.  When we went back an hour or so latter they were still hanging on.  Mahala had an idea to toss the Frisbee up to knock them down.  After several tries between Kaden and Mahala we walked away owners of two wind beatened airplanes.  HAHAHAHA  

Fun times Homeschooling in the Mainc House!

Birthday Boy for the 8th Time

 

Kaden is now 8 years old....that's so crazy to me.  Where does the time go, I mean come on.  It seems like only a few years ago I was bringing him home from the hospital.  Life with Kaden has been anything but boring.  He has kept us on our toes since day one.

The first few weeks was normal, nothing to crazy except I had a huge kidney infection that landed me back in the hospital.  But, when he was about 4 weeks old he started getting sick.  After being shot down by the Dr. and hearing how it's just leftover amniotic fluid in his lungs I insisted on x-rays.  I then was told he had pneumonia and we started an antibiotic only to later that night rushing him to the emergency room.  He was admitted and given the diagnosis of RSV.  At almost 5 weeks old that was a very scary diagnosis.  
Weeks after being in 2 different hospitals his little body was giving out.  I was so terrified and mentally exhausted.  My heart was so heavy with anxiety and fear.  Between the continuous high fevers and the tubes and wires that kept our little boy's life going I had this constant battle in my head for his survival.  It just couldn't be any other way, he had to heal and recover. 

Bible Art....

Who has ever heard of Bible Journaling?  Not me, not until one day I saw this beautifully painted Bible on a friend's instagram feed.  I was like W-H-A-T!!!!  It reminded me of the time I was introduced to scrap-booking.  Never heard of it before in my life and then Bam it was all I could do to not run to the nearest craft store and stock up on stickers, cardstock and little diecuts.  I was a mess for nearly 2 years and 9 albums later.  Then life hit, Lupus hit and a little thing called Autism.  I haven't printed a single picture in almost 10 years, except a few for Skylar's graduation party. 

Recently though with my new life situation I have become more free with my time and the creative juices are flowing like the Mississippi river in early Summer.  No, I take that back....it's like a gushing geyser!  Ok, I know that might seem a bit exaggerated.  But, I will tell you this one thing.....I have put more paint on things in this house then I ever thought possible.  I've gone through 3 glue guns this year, filled up my photo drop box not once, but twice AND I've hung pictures for the FIRST time in 15 years on almost every room in our house.  Even the ridiculously small toilet room.  Yes, even that room.... right by the tiny window, next to the re-purposed toilet paper holder I fashioned out of a sewing machine table leg.  I am that hard core....I scare myself.  

I used to be like this, I was the artsy fartsy one in the bunch.  I had spunk and spark coming from every part of my being.  Over the years all of that was sucked from me, leaving me dry, mundane and just existing.  I am so thrilled to report that I am No Longer just existing, I am living!!!  And loving every minute of it!!!  

I still have bad days, triggers from the trauma of what I call my past life.  But, I refuse to let it control who I am in the present and future.  That is why I feel so Passionate about this whole Bible Journaling thing.  I've read the Bible many times before.  Somethings I remembered and could easily recall.  I felt like I basically understood the Bible as a whole.  Since our life change Bible reading is much more then just reading a few verses or chapters so I could cross it off my to do list.  I remember thinking hopefully God could see me now...crossing off Bible Reading!!!  Yay for me!!  Now, it's literally my main course in my meal for the day.  My daily vitamins I guess you could say.  I run down the stairs to read each day, so I can drink in the word with my eyes.  It feeds my heart and soul, it gives me strength and courage.  

Then I get to do what I love to do, and that's add color.  I draw whatever comes to mind... how I feel about the passage, my thoughts and interpretation.  It's so personal and to have this kind of connection where you are using your logic and creative parts of your brain just makes the scripture stick in your memory.  If you asked me about something I read 3 weeks ago I could recall it and probably tell you the book in the Bible that it came from.  By illustrating my connection to God's word each day, my life has become filled with passion, love, strength, courage, desire and fulfillment.  

How do you spend your time with God?  Are you excited to open up his word each day?  

God Shaped Hole

Every since I was knee high to a grasshopper I've had a Special relationship with the Lord.  I remember nights singing to him until I would fall asleep.  I'd tell him all my secrets most little girls would whisper to their Barbie dolls or friends on the playground.  I would secretly pray to him when an ambulance whizzed by or when I caught a glimpse of tragedy on the nightly news.  

This all came about I'm sure because every single year I was in a new school, new town, new house....thanks to my Dad serving in the Navy.  I never connected with people, never had the sleepover, back yard birthday party experience.  It was just me, my parents, and the Lord.  I never realized how important my relationship would truly become one day.  How I would need to depend and lean on Him so much.  That one day I would not be able to breathe without him filling my lungs first.

Even as I grew up and became a young adult God was my center rock.  As life changed and I married there became a distance between God and I.  Almost like a child moving out and starting their own life.  Coming home to visit only when laundry needs to be washed or a late bill needs desperately paid.  That was me in my late 20's and early 30's.  Autism, Kids, making my Husband happy, homeschooling, health matters, money, just life in general became my primary focus.  God was just for church, nightly prayers and the daily distress pleas.  

I lost my relationship, Not my Belief.  

It took something drastic in my Family to bring me to my knees.  To fall at the Lord's feet and have the Veil lifted from my eyes.  I had been running scared for years instead of living in light.  It's a Beautiful thing to wake up without a heavy confused heart.  I have this amazing sense of Peace!  

We all have a God Shaped Hole that we try to fill up with  

 money, addictions, other people's love and approval, material things, desires, job titles, fame, likes and friends on social media and ton of other things that make us Stay in Denial.  

But, when we realize that Nothing fits in that hole but a relationship with God we will then find Peace, Wholeness, Acceptance, Love, Contentment, Grace, Satisfaction, Thankfulness, Hope, Health, Friendship and Clarity.  I have this right now, just like I did as a little girl.  

Have you ever experienced this kind of Spiritual Transformation?