The Green Blanket

The air has been much colder these past few days. Not only does the cold air mess with my lupus infested bones, but it plays with my mind too. I have a ton of bad memories that get jarred when cold weather hits.
One of the times that hurts was when it was just Skylar and I. I was a single Mom with that boy. A scared, single Mom all alone that did what she had to do.

Looking through Windows

I'm almost 40 and every year that I reluctantly grow older I reevaluate my life and readjust who and what I allow close to me.  I thought when I was a young Mom in my early 20's I would have everything worked out by the time I turned 40.  HAHAHAHA  How funny are the lies we tell ourselves in our youth to sleep more soundly at night.  I longed for the day all my furniture matched, all windows had cute coverings and all my ends met without something having to be sacrificed.  

A long time ago I was 12 or almost 12...I revealed something horrific to my Mother.  It ended our relationship as we had known it for all the years of my life prior.  It was new now and was strained by my revealed secret.  As she screamed and cried I ran out the door.  It was the 1st of many escapes from my past.  I'm still running every time I get triggered, not in the same way but I'm running.  That day as I ran far away from our street I slowed down at a neighborhood.  All the houses mirrored one another, just different colors of trim or landscape.  The sun was almost completely gone and you could see right into their windows.  I was in awe at how happy the families looked sitting around the table for dinner.  Dad, Mom and Kiddos talking even laughing.  I wondered what they were saying....I longed for what they represented.  I felt so sad inside, dead almost to the point that I felt like I could have stood there all night and day and nobody would even know I was there.  As I walked down the sidewalk and looked at life carrying on with or without me I made a promise to have what I saw that night.  One day I will have a safe, loving family.  I felt almost like I was window shopping from house to house.  I left that night with an idea in mind and a goal in my heart.