Life Behind My Eyes~Meditation

Have you ever Meditated before?  I thought about this the other day, because I have been going through treatment for PTSD and some recent trauma I've had lately.  We have been doing weekly meditation during our sessions that I feel have made a difference in my life.  Since starting my weekly sessions with my new found friend that does cost a pretty penny I have seen many areas of my life improve.  I have been able to improve myself, forgive myself and truly understand the rattle that takes place between my two ears every single day. :) 

I started very recently meditating outside of sessions.  I've read that there are Emotional Benefits like:

• Gaining a new perspective on stressful situations
• Building skills to manage your stress
• Increasing self-awareness
• Focusing on the present
• Reducing negative emotions

 Research also suggests that meditation may help people manage Symptoms of Conditions like:

• Anxiety disorders
• Asthma
• Cancer
• Depression
• Heart disease
• High blood pressure
• Pain
• Sleep problems

I don't know about you, but I suffer from quite a few of these little gems.  So, I thought what do I have to loose....nothing but the pain and suffering. :) 

I began by simply recreating my therapy sessions at home.  I have created this sort of safe place in my head.  I'm surrounded by God's white light and his Love envelopes me, this creates safety for me.  And then I release all that ails me and soon I'm floating amongst the stars and swirls of all that protects and gives me comfort.  Do I chant?  No.  Do I sit in weird positions?  No.  What about surrounded by candles and burning incense?  No, but that might be quite nice. :)

Please remember I have done no formal research on meditation and honestly I see no real reason to do so at this time.  Right now I'm just concentrating on letting go and harnessing only what is good in my life.  So many times in my life I have done just the opposite.  I would hold onto what I thought I needed to.  I would surround myself with the typical daily expectations of a person's life.  My eyes have been opened to a world that I knew was right within reach, but was too blind to see it clearly enough.  Now, I have a front row...centered seat to see all the possibilities that are there for me.
Praying You are Blessed Today!

Growing from Trauma

It was a week before I turned 13 that my Mom went to live with Jesus. I can't believe it's been 30 years. That seems like such a lifetime ago. I had just lost my Dad the year before and every since he went to live with Jesus I was running scared.  I was scared of everything, like a bundle of exposed nerves.

It took a long time to feel normal after my parents died, especially after Mom's death. But, I made it, it can happen. If anyone is reading this that feels like life will never be the same after you lose someone so close to you, someone that felt like you shared the same heart beat. You will, I promise...but it will take time. Allow yourself to take the time. Don't get wrapped up in the anger so long that it causes you to be a bitter, nasty person that cares about nothing and no one. I know a little bit about that. Even a little girl will go through the same process a 50 year old person would. Talk about it and surround yourself with people who love you. People who want what's best for you. I didn't have that when I was little.  I was surrounded by people who wanted to hurt me and abuse me.

After the reveal of my Husband's addiction and going through extensive therapy my eyes have been opened to the damage that was done to me.  That the lack of support, therapy, love and just being able to work through my emotions regarding my childhood has caused me to build walls around me so tall that I couldn't see the damage going on outside those walls.  The damage to myself, my kids and even the secret life my Husband was living so dangerously.

Every year since adulthood I become anxious a few weeks before Easter. Sometimes it's worse then others. The past few years though I have tried very hard to stay positive. I want to celebrate her life, not grieve the loss of her. After 30 years I'm finally able to do this. I'm able to appreciate the time I did have with her.  Mom was very sick, I basically watched her slowly die for 2+ years. So, I knew she was in a better place. She had left the pain behind her. But, the problem was I picked up that pain unfortunately where she left it. Sounds crazy I know. But I have done a ton of soul searching over the years. Lot's of personal therapy, journaling, EMDR, you name it...I've done it.   As a child and young adult I was all alone with my emotions, my fears, my pain. It was as though I became trapped in the fear, pain and worries of those last few years. Reliving it over and over, but involving the current life situations that was around me. Because life goes on....it will not stop just because you need it to do so. And time will never rewind, trust me I have tried to. I have begged and pleaded with God for it to happen, just once.  Since I was 12 I have been on medication for being Bipolar.....now I know that I was never Bipolar.  I have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD).  After all these years I am finally working on me and learning why I deal with life the way I deal with life.  Unlocking past trauma and actually working through it instead of stuffing it in a closet. 

Her name was Violet, it's a Beautiful name. It's the name of a flower and the prettiest color I know. The evening sky can be Violet and early morning before even the birds want to peak their little heads up out of their beds. Most importantly Violet was my Mom, she gave me life. She carried me in the warmth of her belly and nourished my soul with every deep breath she took. She held me tight when I was scared and chased away the monsters that hid in my closet. She kissed my forehead when I was sick in bed and let me stay up late when her and Daddy played cards. She laughed wildly I guess like I do now. Even though I can't remember the sound of her voice or the smell of her perfume I know that she was beautiful with a heart of an Angel. She was so kind hearted, always doing for others and giving of herself.
She will always be in my heart. And I want her to be in the hearts of my kids too. Which is why this year I am going to share some stories with the kids and look through pictures of her with them. I want them to know about her bravery as she fought for her life. I want them to know how kind her heart was and how generous she was. I want them to never forget the person who I called Momma.

Calming the Everyday

Do you ever feel like you have multiple lists, zillions of ideas and loads of to dos that you don't know where to start?  I feel this daily which is why I eliminate all the noise in my life.  Unnecessary noise like reality tv, the news, social media in excess, commitments that are not necessary and toxic relationships.
I also added daily traditions and moments that bring simplicity, peace and clarity to my soul.  I can not live a day without high vibration music, scripture reading and affirmations.  Deep breathing, meditation, clean food and essential oils and herbs all develop a much needed rhythm to my life.  It becomes second nature over time to reach for a pillow and practice 10 minutes of deep breathing when something out of your control happens.  Or when the vibe is low in the house and tension is thick to run my diffuser, turn up some high vibe music and open my Bible.
Passing these life tools to our kids is so important .  In the past if it was a stressful day we would medicate with food or numb out with tv.  This was how I grew up and I realized in my early 30's there was a better way to handle the ups and downs in life.  
How do you deal with the stress of life?  What are some techniques that feed your soul and calm you?

Solar Energy

 

Do you know that you can charge your crystals in the sun on a cool day.  I usually charge and clear them in the moonlight, but today was so super beautiful that I took advantage of the sunlight.  I started using crystals about 2 years ago during meditation and never looked back.  My kiddos and I have a deep obsession with gems, crystals and rocks... always have.  We are extremely lucky up here in Northern California to have what seems to be an endless supply in our rivers and mountains.  Lucky us! ;)

Meditation is Apart of Our Self-Care

Meditation has been apart of my life for three years now.  It came in around the time that I was dealing with some pretty intense Family and Health issues.  I remember the first few times I struggled with letting go and relaxing.  It was so unnatural for me to clear my mind, focus on myself and being present.  It was like I had this fear of being still in my own skin, what will happen when all the walls are down and I'm at one with the here and now?  Well, I'll tell you....I found a calming peace and was able to let go of the tension I carried in my shoulders and base of my head.  I was able to focus on my breathing and clear my mind from anything that wasn't positive in my life.

Read More About How We Meditate Here....

Tuesday Self-Talk ~ Four Violet

This is my very 1st Tuesday in my Tuesday Self-Talk Series over at Four Violet...... I wanted to share on here too.  Check it out each week, because we are commanded to Love ourselves and what better way to do that then to Power Up our Self-Talk!!!  No more Negativity!!!  God created us Beautifully in His likeness.  

I have found that Daily Affirmations are a positive way to start your day.  Or when you start battling negative self-talk, try one of these instead. :)  In the Bible it says Proverbs 23:7 “For as he thinks in his heart, so is he…” What we think, we’ll eventually say and what we say is very powerful.  We can speak words of life and we can speak words of cursing.  The Bible warns us to guard our thoughts and mouths.  Proverbs 18:20-21 says “From the fruit of his mouth a man’s stomach is filled; with the harvest from his lips he is satisfied.  The tongue has the power of life and death and those who love it will eat its fruit.”  Bellow are just a Few Affirmations to get You started, I'll share more each week.  I have mine written on index cards on my bathroom mirror, dash of my van, at my desk and in my planner.....get creative and let your Self Love Flooooow!

*I am strong.
 

*I am wise.
 

*I am precious in the eyes of God.
 

*I can love and be loved.
 

*I have power to choose my course in life.
 

*I accept my self for who I am.

*I replace my anger with understanding and compassion.

*I know that God’s unfailing love surrounds me and that I can trust Him.

*I have everything I need.  

*I trust my ever-increasing ability to eliminate the non-essential and appreciate that which matters.

Finding Peace Amongst the Stucco

Being on this trip has opened my eyes to a lot!  Honestly, this should be a prerequisite in life....get an RV, some road maps, limited funds and see the country.  I think it's because we have soooo many distractions in the "real world".  We allow non-important things to take our focus away from what really matters the most.  For me that's trying to be better then I'm even capable of being..... expectations through the roof!  That's seeing my child with Autism as a round peg that I'm trying to squeeze into a neurotypical square hole.  That's me basing my Marriage on Ideals I've made up in my mind through dreams, shows, self-help books and once again the almighty expectations that I've glued my life together on.  
Living day to day in a 4,000 sq ft house in Suburbia where everything is manicured and everyone smiles makes a person look at themselves with criticism on their tongues, no matter how ridiculous it may be.  It's real, the need to be better...perfect...other then who you woke up as is strong.
Now, strip away the house, the Whole Foods, internet, nosy neighbors, to do lists, running water, reality tv and add an RV, some spotty cell phone reception, a generator, sunscreen, maps, Family and time.  This will give you a wake up call.   That first morning that we were on the road I woke up and thought....is this legal....can we just drive around and live out of this thing....are we qualified?????  Here we are week 5 and I'm more in-touch with who I am then ever before...sounds crazy I know.  But, I've lived a life of pleasing others and living up to unobtainable expectations.  Only recently through my Husband's addiction have I regain self worth and took my life back that I so freely gave away as a child. 

So, what does this look like?  For me it has given me Freedom to spend my day on my terms, for my benefit....not just the benefit of others.  I have reconnected with Nature....being Native American feels real to me now.  Used to it was just something I knew I was.  But, to walk where possibly your ancestors have walked and to be surrounded by untouched nature in the Smoky Mountains that once surrounded them brought it to life for me.  Being there aloud dots to be connected and peace filled me.  I live in an area where the support sticks are bigger then the actual trees.  I'm surrounded by stucco, roads, people and things to do next a mile long.  But, for me to truly Thrive and not just Live I need Nature, Peace and Solitude. 

Being on the road we would wake up each morning and look forward to where we were going, discovering places on the road and off the beaten path have been therapeutic and healing for my heart.  I'm sad that it will end soon.  I could spend the rest of my life doing this.  Hunting, Collecting and Creating Moments to share with my Family.  No more will I worry about what I don't have or what it may look like to others when Kaden is having a meltdown.  I will not get caught up in the act of rushing through my to do lists or sign up to be apart of every Bible study, book club or play date.  As long as the Lord has me in Suburbia I will be creating my own little piece of Nature and Solitude right there in the middle of all the crazy....

Praying for Serenity.....

The Serenity Prayer is so Special to me….There is not a day that goes by that I don’t reach out to God in prayer.  Over the next few days I thought we could take a closer look at the Serenity Prayer.

God, Grant me the Serenity to ACCEPT the things I cannot change…….

God does His greatest work when we surrender our lives and all that’s in it over to Him.   Especially things that are out of our control.  This was extremely hard for me to do before and after Discovery.  I had such an abusive childhood filled with trauma that as an adult it was hard to not feel like I needed to control every aspect of my life.  Especially after Discovery, I wanted to regain some sort of control of my life.  But, I learned that letting go and letting God is the only way to truly live in Serenity.  I choose Serenity over a chaotic heart any day!!!

  What can you surrender over to God today?

Job 11:13-15 Holman Christian Standard Bible (HCSB)

¹³ As for you, if you redirect your heart and lift up your hands to Him in prayer— ¹⁴ if there is iniquity in your hand, remove it, and don’t allow injustice to dwell in your tents— ¹⁵ then you will hold your head high, free from fault. You will be firmly established and unafraid.

Glittery Breath of Stars

We always say that we will do xyz when we lose weight, get that new job position, have more money, more time or the kids are in school or out of the house.  And sometimes we aren't given a choice, we are forced to do xyz out of circumstance.

My xyz was to grow Spiritually, I wanted to know things.  I wanted to experience inner peace or at least be in the room with it minus Kung Fu Panda playing in the background.  I just figured one day I would get around to it.  That it would become a priority when there was a free spot in my schedule.

My first meditation experience was almost like a roller coaster ride.  It was full of highs, twists, turns and at the end I floated on the effervescence of inner peace all day.  I was so surprised of the mind blowing theater system I obviously have been toting around with me my whole life I had to call my therapist.  She confirmed I had a reel of unlimited tickets to my own personal mental theater.  Now, I have to tell you I have never studied Meditation, Spirituality or anything really that would make me an expert in anything I write here on this blog.  These are just my own thoughts and opinions.  I have locked up my feelings and denied myself the ability to share my thoughts and experiences because I knew I lacked text book knowledge.  That's part of my broke down core values I have cleaved to since birth.  But, through the Miracles I have experienced this past year I have let those go, healed my heart and washed my soul.  This is why I can share my process with you now.

My first experience was pure relaxation.  It was just me, my eyelids and the night.  Being my first time I didn't use a mantra or chant anything special I just sat there and breathed.  I knew how to breathe, actually my therapist told me I was a pro at breathing.  In the beginning I didn't think it was much of a compliment.  But, now I know Breathing is life....all of life.  It's the difference between life and death.  And before last year I wasn't living...just existing.  Ok back to the meditation....I looked forward with my eyes closed.  Because of my trauma therapy I had been doing for a few months I was used to relaxation techniques by now.  And my favorable eye position(I will explain all of this later in another post) was straight ahead, right between my eyebrows.  And as I sat there and breathed deeply and slowly I imagined white light entering my body with every inhale.  And the white light supported me and filled me with love and awareness.  When I exhaled I envisioned different negative words that had filled my head my whole life.  I was ready to let go...halleluiah!!!

As I was enveloped with warm fuzzy self love I noticed something shoot across my line of vision...my closed eye vision.  I focused on it for a breath and then all of a sudden I noticed my view widening to see not just one little dot, but thousands.   And I saw a bright blue, glowing ring at my right side.  It felt like I was in a warm bath, I had nothing but peace and childlike feelings of bliss.  I thought Wow, this is really happening!  As I continued taking in the love and light a glittery, gold shimmering wave filled the sky I had developed on the inside of my eyelids.  I formed pictures and patterns.  I saw this huge Tiger and it looked as if it was trying to comfort me.  I felt a sense of kinship with him, there was love in his eyes.  Protection in the Tiger's movements....I was thinking really this is happening?  I could have stayed in this place for days, it felt like there was no time there only pure joy and fulfillment.  

With several more deep breaths I opened my eyes.  I was instantly aware that my skin was warm to the touch, even sweating a bit.  There was a tingling sensation around my head and my arms.  I remembered vividly what just happened it was an experience not a dream.  I went to write my experience down and I looked at the clock.  More then 5 hours had passed, I thought it was 20 minutes at most.  I was shocked to realize how much time had passed.  

What an experience....I at first thought how can people do this every single day and get anything else done.  I honestly thought everyone had this kind of experience right out of the gate.  But, not everyone does.  Meditation for me is a daily thing, twice a day you will find me soaring through the stars in my head.  Not 5 hour long trips all the time.  Sometimes it's a Blessed deep connection with God and I'm focused on scripture or my daily mantra.  So many options, so many outcomes that all begin with just one breath!