Serenity Prayer....Courage

Courage to change the things I can.

By surrendering to God I won’t be ashamed while he guides me throughout my life.   And my heart will be confident and fearless as I listen for his sweet voice.  I pray for this every single day, sometimes it’s hard to find the courage…to be fearless as you live your life.  But, it’s so Beautiful when you do…..listen for his voice.

Isaiah 41:10  (HCSB)

¹⁰ Do not fear, for I am with you;
do not be afraid, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you; I will help you;
I will hold on to you with My righteous right hand.

The Road Less Traveled

I have been writing my life story for years….the abuse, the trauma, life on the streets and my total commitment to my God during it all.  People would often ask me how I keep my faith, how do I keep rolling with the punches?  While writing my story I wanted to paint a picture to show my “how”, my “why”.  But, I was never able to completely do that and be 100% happy with the picture my words were creating.  I knew something was missing, I just didn’t know at the time what it was.  And now I do….my Husband’s Addiction and Betrayal was the true test of my Faith.  The Devil planned it to be the straw that broke the camel’s back.  And you know what…..It didn’t break.  It was bruised and I contemplated collapsing to the ground and giving in.  

God had other plans for me, I kept my Faith and grew it stronger than it had ever been before.  I know a Love now with God that I never knew was possible.  The Bible says that the Lord will give you the desires of your heart when you are with him.…Trust in the LORD and do good; Dwell in the land and cultivate faithfulness. Delight yourself in the LORD; And He will give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the LORD, Trust also in Him, and He will do it.…  I now have that Husband and Dad that I wanted and prayed for so desperately for many, many years.  My Husband is more than I even knew to pray for.  I couldn’t ask for anything more.

Now, I know how to finish my story.  I know what it is that God has asked me to do with my collection of stories that make up my Life.  I have witnessed a transformation in not only myself, but my Husband and our whole Family.  When you have spent so much of your life just surviving the day, it’s an amazing feeling actually waking up excited for what this new day may hold for you.  That is me now, I have my story to share with anyone who will listen.  I’m so thankful I didn’t give up on God, that I didn’t let go of my Faith, that I gave Sheila a fighting chance.  I can now share this whole Love that’s in my heart.  I want to give the world a glimpse of this heart I’ve carried around with me for almost 40 years.  It’s doable to protect and polish your battered heart and to uncover the true reason why your here on this earth.  My purpose has always been unclear, but now the answer is shining bright.  And to know that I had the key to happiness all along.  I just didn’t know that I was capable enough to put the key in the lock.  Wow, the Lord has Unveiled my eyes in such a BIG way….thank you Jesus!!!

Praying for Serenity.....

The Serenity Prayer is so Special to me….There is not a day that goes by that I don’t reach out to God in prayer.  Over the next few days I thought we could take a closer look at the Serenity Prayer.

God, Grant me the Serenity to ACCEPT the things I cannot change…….

God does His greatest work when we surrender our lives and all that’s in it over to Him.   Especially things that are out of our control.  This was extremely hard for me to do before and after Discovery.  I had such an abusive childhood filled with trauma that as an adult it was hard to not feel like I needed to control every aspect of my life.  Especially after Discovery, I wanted to regain some sort of control of my life.  But, I learned that letting go and letting God is the only way to truly live in Serenity.  I choose Serenity over a chaotic heart any day!!!

  What can you surrender over to God today?

Job 11:13-15 Holman Christian Standard Bible (HCSB)

¹³ As for you, if you redirect your heart and lift up your hands to Him in prayer— ¹⁴ if there is iniquity in your hand, remove it, and don’t allow injustice to dwell in your tents— ¹⁵ then you will hold your head high, free from fault. You will be firmly established and unafraid.

Trauma Relief....bye bye Chatchkes!!!

The Nasties have taken over our house and not one of us has had more then 12 hours of peace within our body since we came back from Disney.  So, besides cleaning up puke, disinfecting and making boat loads of chicken noodle soup I have been weeding through the junk in our house.  Even though I’m congested and coughing like a chain smoker there is a sigh of relief in my heart.
I know I sound crazy, but I can reassure you it’s not the extra strength Dayquil talking.  You see growing up before my parents died I had EVERYTHING a child could ever want….minus the sexual abuse, the dying mother and the constantly deployed Papa in the Navy.  The night I became an orphan I was 12 years old and as I drove past my house on the way back to where I was staying those last few weeks before my Mom died I saw all the lights in the house on.  I couldn’t count all the cars in the driveway and up on the sidewalk.  Those cars belonged to Aunts, Cousins and Uncles….all going through my house and taking everything.  I literally was left with some clothes, a grocery sack of pictures and my cabbage patch doll collection….which later ended up being stolen from me by a Foster Parent.
After my parents died I had nothing to claim as my own and even if I managed to “have” something it was usually quickly claimed by someone within the Foster Care System.  Once I left the system and married my Baby’s Daddy….who was also in Foster Care with me I worked real hard to collect tokens from here and there to make our little place seem like a home.  My whole life I have longed to recreate my childhood home.  When my 1st marriage lasted less then a year I walked away once again empty handed….nothing but the clothes on my back and my Son.  For a few years we nestled along sides of buildings, shelters, abandoned houses and the occasional park.  I was partial to parks, because it was like Disney to my Son and I.  He could play until he fell asleep and at the crack of dawn be the first kiddo to go down a slide or be pushed on a swing.  It was a little bit of joy that I could give him and it beat waking up with a room full of strangers.
After my life changed even more and I met my Husband and started our Family with him, I once again collected little bits of hominess to bring my old Family feel back to me.  About 2 years or so into our lives together we found out we had a HUGE case of toxic mold.  We lost absolutely everything…..literally we went to Target, bought new clothes and dumped the clothes we were wearing.  I was back at square one once again….having this need to create a Family Home.  And so I began……and I filled it with stuff, all kinds of stuff.  I had useful stuff, not so useful stuff, new things, old things, decor, books, knick-knacks, pictures, dishes and truly everything possible.  If someone was giving something away I would be happy to take it.  If it was on sale I would buy more then one just because…..even if it was something I wasn’t interested in to begin with.
Some would call me a hoarder, but now because of all that I have learned during therapy and my Husband’s recovery I can see that there is a real reason why I have accumulated all this junk.  Many times in my life all of my personal belongings have been taken away from me without my consent.  And the reason why I’m collecting in the first place is because the last time I truly felt safe, loved unconditionally and right in my own skin was with my parents in my family home.  So, it’s just natural to want to recreate that environment.  That fear of loosing your belongings is no joke, it’s traumatic….especially if it happened as a child.
So, how can I get rid of the stuff now?  Well, because I’m healing myself from the inside out.  A Home is made by the People inside the House not the Stuff you can fill it with.  I know now why I do what I do, so when that need to save or buy hits me I recognize it, acknowledge it and then I handle it appropriately.  For instance I have this magazine disease…..at one time a few years ago I had over 27 subscriptions.  Sick, I know….but, I recognized the problem and I didn’t ignore it.  Imagine that I’m at the check out in the store and see a magazine…… I see it and know I want it, but I tell myself the only reason why I want this is because in the past you felt like a failure as a Mother and Wife.  You thought all of those ads and articles were going to give you the secrets to be a better person.  And once you read them you would finally be happy and all your troubles would disappear.  But, now you know the truth and you are the Mom and Wife God called you to be…..his word and guidance is all you need.  So, save your $5, smile and be happy about the person you are becoming as you lean more and more on God each day.  This works every time…..when I think about it all those years of reading magazines never helped, I didn’t change after I read them.  Life didn’t get better when I bought a new candle set or comforter.  And the reason is because my marriage was fighting the demon of Addiction.  No new floral arrangement was going to fix that…..even if it would have been a fresh floral arrangement! :)
So, today I can look at all my stuff….especially in our Homeschool room and say do I truly need this?  Does this item give my Family joy or is it weighing us down?  I have been filling up donate bags and garbage bags like my life depends on it…..and it kind of does.  It feels so good to be free from the shackles of stuff.  Because the stuff never gave me the peaceful feeling of Family like a way with Jesus does.  Thank You Lord!!!

And God was There all Along!

We had recently moved a few months before I found out about my Husband’s addiction.  There was a church SUPER close to our new house, like i can almost see the lights from the end of my road.  We had been going to church off and on for years.  I grew up in the church and I have valued my close relationship with the Lord my whole life.  I am here to tell you I have been in situations in my life that I would not have escaped if there was no God.  I will scream from the roof tops that I know there is a God and he has literally had to carry me much of my young adult life and all of my childhood.  Life just has not been smooth sailing for me and I look at it usually as time to strengthen my relationship with God.

So, back to the church….it was a church that we had went to a few times, because we knew we were going to be moving there.  When I say we I mean mainly the kids and I.  My Husband usually made excuses as to why he couldn’t go.  One of the most common was our youngest with Autism couldn’t handle the noise and wouldn’t dare stay in the nursery or kid classes.  So, when we did go to church he would stay home and watch porn watch our son.

I remember the Sunday before I found out I went to church with the kids minus the little guy and Husband of course.  I remember singing and praying.  I prayed for the same thing over and over.  I bet you can guess what it was about….my Husband.  I would always pray that the Lord would soften his heart.  To keep him safe in all that he did and that he would find happiness in the kids and I.  Over and over I would ask the Lord to help me be a better wife, so that my Husband would love me and want to spend time with me.  I would beg God to help my Kids behave and to give my Husband the eyes to see how amazing they really were.

Read more Here!

My Husband found God in the Closet

One day I will have my Husband share his story, but for today I will retell it how I remember.  This is a story about unconditional love, forgiveness, acceptance and transparency.  This is my Husband’s story about his journey to find God in the closet.
It had only been a few days since he had shared with me the disgusting details of his Secret life of prostitutes, strip clubs and massage parlors.  I was numb and hollow inside, it was all I could do to feed the kids every day and interact with the therapists that came daily to work with our youngest Son with Autism.
I remember laying on the bed covered with tissues and reeking of Alcohol just staring off at the wall.  I was hating myself and I just wanted to float away, to never exist.  Hubby came and stood at the foot of the bed and stared.  He was a wreck, I know he was.  We weren’t eating, sleeping….just putting out fires and rehashing the past 10 years over and over until we passed out from exhaustion.  He looked on over me wanting to take my pain away.  I knew deep down he did love and care for me.  But, I didn’t trust him at all and at that point I knew we could never stay together.  I didn’t want to, I was going to just tolerate him for the next week or two and then that was it I was going to just leave.  I knew physically I couldn’t do it right this very moment.  But, once I gathered strength and could form thoughts that involved something other than what was crashing down in my life I would run.

More can be Read HERE

New Blog Journey!!!!

I have been consumed with getting the garden set up and preparing Summer school curriculum for the kiddos.  Not to mention I took the plunge and decided to start a new blog to document our Family's journey with Addiction.  It's not easy and if someone would have told me almost 2 years ago that we would be where we are now I would have punched them.  So, here we are better then we ever have been in our whole marriage and I want to share with people who are where I was almost 2 years ago.  I want to share how we made it through the dark and scary tunnel known as addiction.  It wasn't easy, it's still the hardest thing I have EVER gone through.  But, if I knew then what I know now I would have taken the same path.  Yes, I would have still married him and loved him and prayed for him and then take on this challenge in-order to have this God centered Marriage we have right this moment.  Thank You Jesus!!!!
I'm not hiding anymore, I feel like the Lord has called me to share and to give support where I can.  I have seen first hand God lovingly grip my Husband and pull him through his darkest hours.  He has mended me back together people.  I was literally in pieces and I can walk again.  God needs all the Glory for this Miracle!!!!  This is Short and Sweet....if you know someone struggling with their Marriage with or without addiction pass my new blog on to them.  If you are interested or just curious follow along on our journey too.  Please Pray for us as a Family, pray for my strength as I share some impossible stories and pray for my Husband's Recovery. 

New Blog:

 Recovering in Suburbia

1 Corinthians 10:13 No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it.

Colored Glasses ~ Part 2

When I look back now it was all so clear.  I mean it was almost text book material over here.  And with that realization came a dump truck full of self loathing and honestly wondering if I should even be trusted to make a call on when to toss the out dated milk from the fridge.  Everything seemed impossible to deal with, nothing could be trusted and everything was raw. 

Now, almost 17 months later I am ready to share the miracle that we have experienced in our Family.  

Recovery.....Healing.....Forgiveness.....Understanding

 Let, me go on record here 1st by saying I never thought any of those things could possibly happen.  I was ready to walk out the door with my basket of colored glasses.  But, something stopped me.  Actually a feeling stopped me and I know it was the gentle hand of God.  And I'm so very thankful that I chose to stay.  And now I have to get the word out, that there is a way to work through what my marriage has been through.  

My Husband has a Sex Addiction and Our Family is alive and well.  Walk along with me as I share my story.

Colored Glasses ~Part 1

Sometimes we Believe one thing about our life that we suspect is not so, but with handy colored glasses even we can be fooled into thinking what we perceive is actual reality.  I say this because I have lived most of my 39 years that way.  I'm what you would call an expert shape shifter of sorts.  But, it has only come to my attention just recently.  And with that realization comes major responsibility and a tiny bit of relief. Let me tell you all about it, or at least one piece of it.

So, we all know I grew up in Foster Care after my Parents died.  We all know of my physical and sexual abuse.  My life on the streets with my oldest and my struggles with my Health because of Lupus.  Anyone of those things could cause Red Flags with extreme mental breakdowns.  But, what happens when married life creates this safety cocoon and all the bad yucky stuff that happened to you just floats away.  And then your left with the New Normal of suburban life and a huge basket of colored glasses.  

Life is Better, much Better then it was before married life I tell myself.  So, when something happens that stirs a little pain or familiar feeling of past Traumas you can do one of two things.  Leave what feels Comfortable and Safe more then Not or grab your basket of colored glasses.  I'll tell you what I did, I covered my eyes with a new pair of shades.  And what started out as an occasional accessory turned into a daily necessity.  I planned my wardrobe around them and convinced myself that I liked them.....they were my thing, my choice.  Before I knew it I never took them off and my vision was so distorted.  

One day, my colored glasses were slapped right off my face.  And with No warning or Consideration to my well being all the pain and truth that had been hidden from me now trampled me and sucked the life right out of me.  To this very day I can recall everything visually around me at that moment.  I remember the hair clip in my hair, the sound of dinner sizzling in the pan and the look on my children's faces as I fell to my knees in disbelief.  As every past Trauma resurfaced and churned in the depths of my belly it took all I had to confront the Man who was my Protector, Comforter, Soul Mate, Love of My Life, Provider, Daddy to my Sweet Children, My One, My Only, My Other Half, My Adam, My Flesh, My Prince, My Love, My Darling, My Rock, Companion, My Groom, Partner, My Husband.....The Keeper of My Heart.  But, I did and I tossed out all my Colored Glasses!

Taking a Breath......

Are You Waiting for Your Stuff to Make You Happy?

This weekend was like 5 weekends wrapped up into one.  I love when we can get many things accomplished, on the flip side you feel like you need another weekend to rest.  But we can't so we drag ourselves to bed late Sunday night only to find the Monday morning sun creep through the blinds way too early.  But, then again the Lord just Blessed us with another glorious day to be together as a Family so why complain!?!  

We have lived in this house almost 18 months and we are still settling in.  After moving 4 times in 5 years we have individual boxes filled with things that belong in several different rooms, not just the room that's written on the outside of the box.  Sorting and purging has been the new norm around here for a few months now.  When we moved in we were off to a great start, but given our Family's situation over the past year we honestly stopped doing anything 14 months ago.  Now, we are on the road to recovery and taking the time to not just stuff and shove things away.  But, to really look at something and think if it's something that has purpose or is it something I think will make me feel better.  Over the past 10 years as our Family slowly shifted away from each-other I noticed we all became dependent on things to change our moods.  We needed to feel loved and needed so in a way having a room full of crap that we could arrange, dust, use, see, arrange again, step on accidentally, forget about and then find again made us feel a fake sense of connection to the item.  And when we went to a store we would find shinier things that promised to make us even more happy and fulfilled then the stuff we had at home.  And the sickness goes on and on and on.

Now, I'm not saying to throw away a special something that your Grandma left you or that you have to stack your books on the floor because that shelf needs to go.  But, do you really need 5 spatulas or a half dozen different lotions?  What about all the knick knacks and storage containers?  The shoes, clothes, decorations, kids stuff, basically everything you have stuffed in a closet, under the bed or in the garage.  Is it really serving it's intended purpose for you?  You know that project on Pinterest that you know you will get around to doing?  That has been my excuse for almost anything I have brought into this house.  I can use it for something else that I saw that I just know would look good or benefit the Family in some way.   But, I realized even though I was not the one with the addiction problem we were all numbing out.  Stuff was our drug of choice to deal with the big elephant in the living room.

Saturday I was going through a box and I found 20 tiny Tupperware containers for spices that I had bought probably 6 years ago at a yard sale.  My intention was to fill them with beads and sequence.  I knew it was going to be perfect for the classroom.  From the looks of it I had started filling a few of them, but that was about it.  I never finished my project and where are my little crafty things right now?  They are in a plastic carousal that I love and it's one functional piece.  So, those 20 little containers are now in the back of my van to be donated.  
If it's a true need and it has function like for Beauty, Function, Safety, Storage anything really...just be mindful that your stuff doesn't own you.  That you surround yourself with things that have an actual purpose.   Don't depend on your stuff to make you feel a certain way or for it to change something in your life.  I used to honestly think life would be better if all my dishes matched and if the bathroom was full of fresh new towels.  If I change the artwork around things would be better.  People would change if I could just make this house more cozy and less stressful.  People change when they accept responsibility to do so.  Nobody can lift the Denial Curtain accept the person behind it.  Indeed my life was more stressful, I was stressing myself out.  Not anymore though, gone are those days, I feel so relieved and I haven't bought towels in years.

The Unveiled Wife ~ Book Review

 

 

Jennifer Smith has been a huge inspiration to me.  And has helped me on my journey to SAVE my Marriage.  I found her online late one night while searching for answers and help for my own problems brewing.  I mainly found a lot of Husband bashing forums.  And I needed hope to continue my marriage not a bunch of angry wives filled with hate ready to pull the plug.  And then there was the Unveiled Wife Blog. 

I read Jennifer's story and even though our struggles were not the same we shared a common bond...We loved the Lord.  She was full of Faith and Affirmation.  I needed that right now, it was vital for me. 

Bible Art....

Who has ever heard of Bible Journaling?  Not me, not until one day I saw this beautifully painted Bible on a friend's instagram feed.  I was like W-H-A-T!!!!  It reminded me of the time I was introduced to scrap-booking.  Never heard of it before in my life and then Bam it was all I could do to not run to the nearest craft store and stock up on stickers, cardstock and little diecuts.  I was a mess for nearly 2 years and 9 albums later.  Then life hit, Lupus hit and a little thing called Autism.  I haven't printed a single picture in almost 10 years, except a few for Skylar's graduation party. 

Recently though with my new life situation I have become more free with my time and the creative juices are flowing like the Mississippi river in early Summer.  No, I take that back....it's like a gushing geyser!  Ok, I know that might seem a bit exaggerated.  But, I will tell you this one thing.....I have put more paint on things in this house then I ever thought possible.  I've gone through 3 glue guns this year, filled up my photo drop box not once, but twice AND I've hung pictures for the FIRST time in 15 years on almost every room in our house.  Even the ridiculously small toilet room.  Yes, even that room.... right by the tiny window, next to the re-purposed toilet paper holder I fashioned out of a sewing machine table leg.  I am that hard core....I scare myself.  

I used to be like this, I was the artsy fartsy one in the bunch.  I had spunk and spark coming from every part of my being.  Over the years all of that was sucked from me, leaving me dry, mundane and just existing.  I am so thrilled to report that I am No Longer just existing, I am living!!!  And loving every minute of it!!!  

I still have bad days, triggers from the trauma of what I call my past life.  But, I refuse to let it control who I am in the present and future.  That is why I feel so Passionate about this whole Bible Journaling thing.  I've read the Bible many times before.  Somethings I remembered and could easily recall.  I felt like I basically understood the Bible as a whole.  Since our life change Bible reading is much more then just reading a few verses or chapters so I could cross it off my to do list.  I remember thinking hopefully God could see me now...crossing off Bible Reading!!!  Yay for me!!  Now, it's literally my main course in my meal for the day.  My daily vitamins I guess you could say.  I run down the stairs to read each day, so I can drink in the word with my eyes.  It feeds my heart and soul, it gives me strength and courage.  

Then I get to do what I love to do, and that's add color.  I draw whatever comes to mind... how I feel about the passage, my thoughts and interpretation.  It's so personal and to have this kind of connection where you are using your logic and creative parts of your brain just makes the scripture stick in your memory.  If you asked me about something I read 3 weeks ago I could recall it and probably tell you the book in the Bible that it came from.  By illustrating my connection to God's word each day, my life has become filled with passion, love, strength, courage, desire and fulfillment.  

How do you spend your time with God?  Are you excited to open up his word each day?  

God Shaped Hole

Every since I was knee high to a grasshopper I've had a Special relationship with the Lord.  I remember nights singing to him until I would fall asleep.  I'd tell him all my secrets most little girls would whisper to their Barbie dolls or friends on the playground.  I would secretly pray to him when an ambulance whizzed by or when I caught a glimpse of tragedy on the nightly news.  

This all came about I'm sure because every single year I was in a new school, new town, new house....thanks to my Dad serving in the Navy.  I never connected with people, never had the sleepover, back yard birthday party experience.  It was just me, my parents, and the Lord.  I never realized how important my relationship would truly become one day.  How I would need to depend and lean on Him so much.  That one day I would not be able to breathe without him filling my lungs first.

Even as I grew up and became a young adult God was my center rock.  As life changed and I married there became a distance between God and I.  Almost like a child moving out and starting their own life.  Coming home to visit only when laundry needs to be washed or a late bill needs desperately paid.  That was me in my late 20's and early 30's.  Autism, Kids, making my Husband happy, homeschooling, health matters, money, just life in general became my primary focus.  God was just for church, nightly prayers and the daily distress pleas.  

I lost my relationship, Not my Belief.  

It took something drastic in my Family to bring me to my knees.  To fall at the Lord's feet and have the Veil lifted from my eyes.  I had been running scared for years instead of living in light.  It's a Beautiful thing to wake up without a heavy confused heart.  I have this amazing sense of Peace!  

We all have a God Shaped Hole that we try to fill up with  

 money, addictions, other people's love and approval, material things, desires, job titles, fame, likes and friends on social media and ton of other things that make us Stay in Denial.  

But, when we realize that Nothing fits in that hole but a relationship with God we will then find Peace, Wholeness, Acceptance, Love, Contentment, Grace, Satisfaction, Thankfulness, Hope, Health, Friendship and Clarity.  I have this right now, just like I did as a little girl.  

Have you ever experienced this kind of Spiritual Transformation?