1,840 Days

The pain is kicking my butt this week. I try to put it out of my mind, but it's like a Red headed step child- all up in your face. When will the pain stop? I ask myself this question every morning when I crawl out of bed like an 90 year old women. You know I used to go to bed each night with a tad bit of excitement. Thinking and hoping that the next morning may be the morning I wake up to no pain. What if I have a pain free day, just once. It hasn't happened yet, since this hell has started back in December, 2003. I have lived with pain every single day since then. Hold on for a second, let me get out my ole' trusty calculator to see how many days of pain I've had. Are you ready to see my mad calculating skills? Here we go, to this day I have had 1,840 blessed days of pain. Now I say blessed, only because they have been days with my kids. Days that I have woken up to see another day. By the evening on probably over half of them I've begged God to take me. But, I quickly change my mind once the comfort of sleep takes me away.
I look forward to sleep. In my dreams I am a mighty warrior some nights. Kicking Lupus' Butt!!! And sometimes I just run in fields of grass chasing the kids. My dreams are all pain free, worry free. Even when I have night mares, nothing ever gets me because I can run.
But, every morning the sun hits my peppers and life fills my mind once again. Sometimes I try to hold on to the night, but most days it's impossible. Because I hear little voices and see little hands that remind me why the day light is more important then my dreams of possibilities.


  1. May you have more laughs than pain.

  2. You are a math genius. I only wish you could calculate something more pleasant for yourself. :(


  3. Wow, can I relate! I did some quick math in my head. Brain fog only lets me figure out the number of years. How many days are in twelve years? Ummm... I give up. I was surprised to realize it has been that long. The kids make the days fly by. Wasn't diagnosed until five years ago, though.

    I love my dreams. They're never dull, even when the pain and fear bleeds into them. Sleep is my escape.

    Keep on keepin' on.

  4. Been there done that. Still there,but refusing to stay there. I know it is horrible. I even got pulled over because the medication I am on threw me and my motorcycle for a literal loop.I quit taking the pain meds. I still suffer from the past,but when the drs. said that i was going to be in this pain for the rest of my life.I said F this cause I am not going to have liver problems and be addicted to meds.Life has changed for the best.Still hurts and I am still foggy but W/ a different crowd of friends and hobbies,life is good. My life may suck to some but may be a treasure to others. Try a different frame of mind. Good Luck and God Bless!!!! Chris