My Shackles

My kids know about the homeless thing. I have talked to Skylar a lot about it. I figure those first 5 years of life are critical & play into who you are. I tell my kids because I want them to know how good life is. How important family is & how well off they are now. Be thankful damn it! I think for my kids they understand who I am & where I've been. I hold my kids, my husband so close to me & so high on my list because I know....BAAAM! It can ALL be taken away in an Instant. Do you know what an instant looks like? Imagine being in a pink straight jacket looking outside from a window. There is your family playing together in slow motion. Playing ball & picking daisies sing together in between laughs. The sun has never been so bright & warm you can feel to on your face through the window.
BAAAM!!!!!!You scream & fight but that straight jacket just gets tighter & tighter the more you fight. You toss yourself on the cold floor trying to get out & save your family. The pain from your struggle burns as the pain in your breaking heart aches an ache you've never felt or imagined before. You get up & look out the window, you know for a fact that this had to have been just a dream, a nightmare! But it's raining & dark when you look out that window. All the flowers you once saw are gone. Your family is gone, you hear no more singing, there are no more games being played. It's so very quiet, there are no more laughs. And you just stand there at the window shivering all alone. You look down & notice that the pink straight jacket is gone....it's replaced with shackles.


People Under the Bridge

Flash Back on a past post-
Today was a day that nothing went right.It started out with a headache that I went to bed with. We had a birthday party to get to by 11am. HA! Then another party to get to at 2pm. I ended up missing both. Had to go to the shop to cover a shift in the middle of it all. Our aupair, Anna lost her ride so we had to get her to the city by 3pm. All this and none of us had ate a thing all day. The baby was the happiest, go figure. While we were dropping Anna off in the city we got lost of course. But, we saw something that changed my thoughts for the day. We saw this under pass with probably 50 homeless people all huddled together. Some had tents others stood by fires trying to deal with the rain & cold. I looked into some of their eyes. I had those eyes. I remember looking into the cars that passed me searching for that "click" look of let me help you. I would think where are they going, where have they been. Who are they? I wanted to be them, anyone.... just not me. Not here, not right now with no place to go. The kids know that there was a time I too had no home, no place to escape the world. Skylar was with me, just the two of us. We talked today briefly about the people under the bridge. Mahala is amazed to hear about the life those people have. Skylar knows, he has been there too.I sat back in my seat & closed my eyes thanking God that I am not looking into this car wondering where it's going. I know where it's going, it's going Home. Nothing can happen to me now that can compare to where I've been. So automatically my day looked brighter & it didn't seem so bad after all.


7 Whys

1. Why do we have to have gray hair? I have had grays since I was 18 years old. Why? I color it & I look younger & life is great!. The birds seem to chirp a little louder, the air smells crisp & the screaming, BRAT down the road doesn't seem to annoy me so much. Then 2 weeks or so passes & as I brush the night nast out of my mouth I see a damn gray hair. I look close & freakin A, they are all around my hair line. That's where they start showing their little smart asses, around my face. It's a Vicious cycle, why do we have to go gray?
2. Why do women put on make up while they are driving? Oh, never mind that's me I'm talking about. My bad, never mind. No seriously I can see why that could be a why! SMILE!
3. Speaking of driving..... why do some people get right up on your butt like they are trying to sit in the front seat with you & then you have those people that are so far away from the car in front of them that you could put 2 cars in between?
4. Have you ever wondered why diet has the word die in it? Cause your ass is gonna die trying to live off carrots, yogurt & water. HA HA I thought that was kind of funny.
5. Why does warm bread with whipped butter taste soooooooooooooo good?
6. Why do some kids have to be so cruel in school. Bully's stink.
7. Whatever I decide to cook for dinner I am always missing 1 ingredient, why????


Does the WWF take children?

I woke up this morning to a small foot kicking me in the ribs. Why is Kaden so ruff? I mean one minute he was Sweet Baby Kaden & the next Thanh was signing him up with the WWF.
Here is what I'm thinking the deal is. I mean I know he 2 and a 1/2. We all know about the terrible 2's, but seriously. He is ruff & talks back. Yesterday I tried to put him in timeout because he would not come inside. He told me No. And then I was like yes, sir you need a time out. And then he crossed his little arms & said but I'm too angry to go to time out. It was kind of funny, because he was so serious. The thing that upsets me the most is his hitting. What the Heck, I don't like it a bit. My other two kids never did this.
So when ever there is a problem I always assess the situation. And I always have to fix it. So assessing our situation I feel there is influence involved.
One influence is Mahala. She is so ruff & loud. Not to mention Moody! The joke around here is that we wish her period would go ahead & start. I know that's an awful thought about your daughter, but it's true. She's the middle child. And I know it's hard for her to be in the middle of Skylar, who is almost the perfect child & Kaden who is the baby. Back to Kaden though, Mahala needs a post all to herself.
My second influence is that Kaden sees Skylar & Mahala fighting way too much. They are 9 & 15, sometimes they are close & other times they are worlds apart.
And the last influence is tv. During the summer I allow the kids to watch tv freely. Freely means during the day when we don't have something to do. Even though the shows are PG, some of them may not be appropriate for Kaden to catch an eye full here & there. Sometimes I wonder about Nickelodeon & the Disney channel.
Thankfully school is starting, because then I will not have to worry about this one. During the school year the kids do not get tv Mon- Thurs. And only for a Family movie night on Fri. And Sat. & Sun. is only after all the chores are done & after any running around we have to do. They usually end up with about 4 hours of tv a week, including the Family movie. This has been our tv schedule for the past 8 years. And has worked, but I may need to be more guarded for Kaden's sake.
Maybe the move is contributing too. His behavior really changed this Summer. And this Summer we have been packing & slowly moving. And now we are slowly unpacking.
I know it's all normal & I just need to tweak a few things. As parents we all want the best for our little ones. And having bad behavior is something you don't want your little one to have.
Hopefully I wont go completely crazy!!!! But, with some structure back in the house & some discipline I think we might just make it. I am Manic Mom after all.....I'm already crazy!


I call it Home

I'm here, I'm here!!!!!!!!
I hope you all haven't forgotten who I am.
Life has been so crazy around my house. Or should I say houses.
We started moving boxes into the new house the last week in July. And last Saturday we moved all the furniture over. Saturday was our first night here. I can't believe it's been a week already.
We love this little house. Yes, there are major changes. But, I think with some crafty organizing and patience we should be able to live here comfortably.
We still have a lot to move yet. So, once or twice a day the kids and I go and load up the van. And then we unpack it and find a new place to smush it. That was Mahala's exact words.
The other day we were going to the New house with boxes and Kaden was so excited and giggling about going to the New house to play trucks. Mahala then asked me when do we stop calling the New house the New house. I don't know, that's a great question. I told her that she can call it the New house until she felt like it was truly Home. It's getting there, I told her. I said a house is just a house until you put all your loved ones in it. Then it's called your HOME!


Tonight's My Lucky Night!!!!

This week has slowly been better for me. Today has been nice, quiet and nice. Tonight I am dreading the methetrexate, because the cycle will begin all over again. But tonight I feel strong. I usually take my treatment on Tuesdays, but weeks like last week I waited until Wednesday. It's a tough call. I try and do it on a day I feel strong, well and rested. So, tonight is the lucky night.
Thank you so much for all the wonderful emails and comments!!!!! Strength in numbers, right? That's what my Mom always said.

So many of you have asked about my Lupus and what it is. I am working on a Beautiful new blog right now with a great friend of mine. That way I can offer more permanent Lupus information. :-) Stay tuned!

We are still packing, I swear, will it ever end....honestly will it????????
I can't wait to see none of this and more of this!
Even Kaden has had enough. We found him asleep on his Easter bunny today in his new room. Sweet Dreams!


Lupus Cries But I Don't Follow

It's Saturday night and I am sitting here in tears. I have swollen legs and arms, a fever, bleeding gums, a headache and an upset stomach with diarrhea. No I do not have some crazy virus it's my Lupus. It's bad my friends and the crazy thing is that I keep on going. I try to hide it the best that I can. I don't want to stop living just yet. I don't want to surrender my body to something that has already stolen so much.
I just came back from dinner with friends and I guarantee no one had a clue. It was my little secret. I felt like my body was crumbling as I asked for another glass of tea. I had the shakes, so I blamed the air conditioner. I went to the bathroom 4 times, I blamed the tea. The sauce burned my open sores in my mouth, I blamed my braces. On and on the list goes. Day in, day out the excuses slip from my lips. The little Lupus lies I tell in order to enjoy my life. I always joke around with Thanh that one day I will drop dead and everyone will go what happened? What was wrong.....it was so sudden.
Tonight was pushing the envelope I think. I wonder how long I can do this. I feel a depressing mood sweep across me tonight. What better way to spend it then with my blog friends. The friends that know me best. You know all my dark secrets, yet still choose to come back. Why do you come back? :-)
Tonight the pain is very hard to deal with. You may wonder how many pain pills I will swallow to get some shut eye tonight. Actually, tonight when I lay on my bed I will do what I do every night. I am going to embrace all the pain I have. It's like I will almost introduce myself to it. I will mentally say something like Hello left leg. I know you are swollen and in pain. It feels like you are on fire with knives sticking in you. I embrace you with a warm hug. I know you will not be here when I wake in the morning. You will be gone and I will be able to walk in the morning, Thank you Lord. Then I will talk to my other leg and then my stomach and ever other part of me. I say over and over that tomorrow will be a better day. I know this sounds crazy and if you choose to never come back I will understand. :-) This is just what works for me. This is what gets me through the pain. This is what keeps me from crying and screaming when I fear I may not wake up because the pain is too much to bare. There are times when this will not work. One of the times is when I have pleurisy. Several times a year my body develops fluid around my heart & lungs. The pain is worse at this time then almost any other. During these times I have to be sedated, not even my prayers and imagery can get me through alone.
Praise God, tonight is not one of those nights. So, I will pull myself up by the boot straps and get through another night. Hmmmmmmmmmm, I think I will talk to my tummy first.
Hugs to ya'll out there!