Happy Day Before Turkey Day!

Yeeeaaaa Haaaaaw!!! I completed my scrapbook in just 3 little days and mailed it off to Thanh's Godmother. She is going to be so thrilled, because she has Never even seen a pic of Kaden. I took pics from the past two years of all of the kids and made the perfect Christmas gift for her.
Besides all that I have been busy cleaning up a storm for Thanksgiving. I have 14 people total that will be enjoying my Holiday Feast. The cold weather really bothers my joints, so I try and clean a little each day. Mahala and Skylar are sooooooo helpful too. I am truly blessed to have such great kids.
The kids chores are divided and posted on the fridge. I have Mahala's, Skylar's and then the House chores. House chores are for everyone to do.
Mahala's chores are to Vacuum the whole house once a week and the play areas twice a week.
Help fold laundry and put it away.
Clean the bathrooms real good once a week.
Keep her room clean.
Skylar's chores are to feed the dogs daily.
Do the dishes and sweep/mop the kitchen/dinning room.
Take out the garbage and recycling. This also is a daily job.
I help out with each chore, I always want the kids to know that chores are not a punishment it's a necessity. For instance Skylar does the dishes, but I always do the counters and stove. We joke and say that from the waist down I'm like the rusty Tin man and there ain't no oil around!! LOLOLOL
So, now I am off to chop and stir my stuff. I want to be as prepared as possible for tomorrow.
Here is my Menu-
Turkey- Duh!
Stuffing-southern style! It's goooooooooooooooooood!
Cranberry sauce-only from a can will do for my family!
Green bean casserole- a must
Garlic mashed potatoes-Mmmmmmmmmm!
Gravy- Duh!
Yams- with marshmallows!
Mac -N- Cheese- My Mom's recipe that I loved as a child & everyone begs me to make!
Rolls- yeasssssty!
Salad- To look healthy!
Pies- of course!
I think that is all. I don't have to do any of the appetizers or drinks & Paula is also taking care of the desserts except pies. Anna had to have pies so I bought some yesterday. Which just reminded me that I need whipped cream!
Did I leave anything else out?


Men with White Coats enter Here

I tried to write last night, but I thought my anxiety would cause my writing to be even more grammatically incorrect then normal. As always I did the play by play of the night before my Dad died. Every year I do this silently in my head. WHY, WHY after 22 years do I still do this? In my head around this time I go back to being an eleven year old girl. And on the 17th of November life was how she knew it and the very next day all things familiar was gone.
I know I've written about the day my Dad died. You can go read it if you haven't already.
Right now as I type it is Nov. 18th 8:10am, we were still in the emergency room in 1986. Right this very moment I was sitting in a small room with a window in the door that looked into the room across the hall. I know now it was an unused triage room. I was looking out the window starring at a foot that was uncovered. It was my Dad's foot. I sat there crying, overwhelmed with emotions. I didn't finish writing about that day. And I am going to try and do that later today.
Last night the count down left me awake until just a few hours ago. I kept this year silent, not even telling Thanh about the replay of events running through my tired mind. I wanted to somehow crack the case, so to speak. As the day moved past the typical Monday at school stuff. I came home and did home work, snack, played outside. It gets cloudy around here, I try to focus but it's like trying to get HBO with Bunny ears!! Before Dad left for work that day I do remember very clearly him hollering at me to clean up my room, it was a mess. And I remember looking down at the ground and him telling me he was serious. My Dad didn't punish me often, but when he did it was feared. Mostly because I admired him and looked up to him sooooo much.
When we used to pick him up at the docks after being out to sea. I would watch him come down the metal stairs with a huge bag of laundry on his shoulders. He was in the Navy & I was so proud of him. He was so strong and magnificent in my eyes. Invincible is a word that comes to mind. He always came safely home to us. But, I think it was 1984 when they made him step off the boat, no more for you. His ticker wasn't right, stop the smoking they said. I wish that I would have been more like I am today, a nag. LOL Thanh will tell ya!! I just wish that I would have been old enough to say be healthier, stop smoking, take care of yourself for the love of heaven! Who knows maybe I did, but my controlling powers were not in full force yet! LOL
Anyway, I remember cleaning my room, but being mad at my Dad. I have forgiven myself for the many "child like" attitudes and thoughts I had that night. I also remember being in bed that night. I was on the top bunk and I can smell the new mattress smell even right now. It was a new bunk bed that had a desk and dresser underneath. The window let in the light from the outside streetlight. The light always seemed to bounce off my sheer curtains and glow. It was almost the early morning light that I love so much. I wish I could remember my thoughts. I was supposed to get up early the next morning to go to dress rehearsal at school. I was going to be in the nutcracker musical. Can you believe I still preformed in it just 3 weeks after we buried Dad. I was so sick and didn't want to go, but my Aunts said I should do it for Mom and Mom said I should do it for Dad.
So, last night I was in bed and I didn't want to go to sleep. It was like I was scared. What can I do now, I can't save him. I can't go back in time. But, every year I do the same thing over and over. I pray that when I die my kids do not torment themselves the way I do. But, I know that my control issues cause me to believe that if I would have done things differently maybe he would not have died. Now in my sane mind I know this is not possible, so you don't have to send in the men with white coats just yet. But, the hopeful, little girl in me is terrified and clawing at any possibility. I can't seem to snuff the little girl out. Maybe I don't want to. Maybe she is my link to the past, the way I can remember. I don't want to ever forget them. It scares me, because I don't remember what their laughs sounded like. I can't hear their voices anymore. All I have is some pictures and silent memories left.


Manic Moments

Yesterday was a great day, I enjoy just being with the Family. Our family is a very laid back family. We don't need to spend money together or separately to have a good time. We read together, watch movies, play games. You name it we can do it together. We enjoy being relaxed on the weekends. My parents were kind of like that too. It is said that you raise your family how you were raised.
So, last night after tucking everyone in; husband included....I watched tv till like 2am. I was tired, but I just couldn't release myself to the sandman. I snuggled up to my stack of 3 pillows and tried to drift off. My thoughts were racing and I started to feel that overwhelming feeling of loosing control. I know I have not came right out and said it, but I do suffer from Bipolar disorder. I know....what don't I have? I'll tell you, I don't have a non supportive Husband. He helps me soooooooo much with dealing with my mental crap. I could not have asked for a more supportive man to be by my side.
I know why I had a flare, that's what Thanh and I call it. It's because my Dad died on November 18th. And even if I don't even pay attention to the months or days, it never fails that around certain times of the year I start to have mental flares left and right.
I have dealt with being Bipolar since I was 10 or 11 years old. Crazy, right? I've been on meds since I was 13 years old.
So, last night I suffered with a flare until 5:30 this morning. I was nauseous, scared, sad, angry, heart raced, felt paranoid, grieved and even felt a tad of euphoria all at the same time. And then finally I passed out from exhaustion, thankfully.


Boob Tube Birthday

Mahala was Thrilled this morning when she opened her nine year old peepers. The exact reaction I was hoping for. She read every balloon twice and then Kaden attacked them all. Kaden is obsessed with balloons.
The mickey mouse pancakes were great and we all served her in bed. After she blew out her candles and chowed down on her breakfast we all relaxed watching the boob tube. I'm old, I just said boob tube. LOL
She opened her gifts and was surprised she had so many. Then she realized a lot of them were clothes. HA HA, got you Mahala!!!! She needed them though and the nonclothes gifts were cool, which made up for the clothes gifts.
Now we are getting ready to have Linner- Lunch/Dinner. She wants sushi, YUCK!!!! But, it's her Special day. So, I will order the teriyaki plate.
Ta Ta For Now!


Cricket Legs

I just finished the last balloon. Now I have to wait until she is completely asleep before I can creep into her room and release them into her room. I wrote something sweet and special on each of them, I know she will be sooooo surprised. After presents I will make her traditional mickey mouse pancakes. I swear, she will never out grow this tradition. She will be 30 years old and I will knock on her front door with a plate full of mickey mouse pancakes. And you know what....I would do it in a heart beat and enjoy every minute of it. I truly love to go out of my way to make each of my kids feel special and loved.
Another thing we do every year is do a play by play of the last day Mahala was in my belly. I know it's crazy, but we do. Like this time 9 years ago I was walking the parking garage at the hospital. What is that I hear? You would like to hear all the details too?
Short and sweat version I'm sure.
I was ready to pop and with having some small health issues we thought Nov.8th was the day. After going to the Dr. and being prescribed walking until the contractions hurt they finally admitted me. It was around midnight when meds began running through my veins and the pain ran through my belly and down my legs. What had I got myself into?????
My Dr. had been at the hospital for nearly 2 days already so after coming in to see me she told me she was going to take a nap but that she was a call away. Okay, I'll be right here wanting to claw my loving Thanh's eyes out.
The most vivid thing about Mahala's big debut is the urge I had to be on my side and moving my leg up and down crazily. Kind of like a cricket, I swear it was totally involuntary. Thanh still will make fun of me for this. Whatever! After her nap she came in for another looksie. This time she was concerned about my blood pressure, but thought there was still time before the Big Show to happen. So she was going to take a shower and grab a bite to eat.
My leg was just a going and my belly pain was so intense. I kept saying that I had changed my mind, I couldn't do it anymore. Too bad, this was it. I told Thanh to get the Dr. it was time. The nurse came in and told me that there was no way it was time. That the Dr. had just checked me. After a few maybe not so Nice words I convinced her to check me. The leg was moving like wildfire and the burn in my belly was way beyond any pain I could ever imagine. The not so nice nurse spread my cricket legs open and there was no need to even check my dilation. Mahala was there ready to make her debut. Stubborn little thing said she was going to come out when she was ready and that time was now. The nurse yelled for back up and for someone to find the Dr. How funny that I, the mother was right. LOL The show was on & the Director was gone to take a shower. It took 4 people to hold my cricket legs down. HA HA Through the, I can't do this screams I saw the Dr. She was soaked, water dripping down her face. Her scrubs stuck to her thin body, but she looked like an angel.
Mahala cried beautifully at 6:04 am Nov.9th. The most beautiful sight for my sore eyes. When she came barreling out my placenta broke so the Dr. looked up at me and said,"this is going to hurt worse then birthing your baby girl. But, I have to do this." I remember thinking, what is she going to do to me. Well, one minute she was down at my feet and the next we were eye to eye. She reached into my already on fire vajay-jay all the way to her elbow and scraped all the placenta and whatever else out of me. She did it twice because if any would have been left it could have been very dangerous. It was over and now it was time to heal and see my sweet baby girl.
So, that was how she came in to my world, Thank You Lord for giving her to me.


A Day for Apologies

Yesterday was destined to be a good day. We had things planned; I had a breakfast date with a friend and Mahala was testing in gymnastics. School work was going to be light and I was going to write a great blog post. What happened!?
Well, Kaden had a ruff night, God bless him. And Hubby was staying home again from work, the bug has him baaaaad! So I was on the phone with a friend talking over brunch plans when I heard someone beeping on the other line. I looked at the caller ID and noticed it was Skylar's RSP Teacher.  I forgot I had a call with her and our other Teacher at 8:45. It was now 9am, whooopsie!!! So, I got off my call in a hurry and then apologized like crazy. Come to find out the RSP Teacher had forgotten too so I wasn't the only one late, thank gooooodness.
As we were going over what we had been learning over the past few months I could hear the normal rumbles from my sweet family. All of a sudden Mahala came storming into my bedroom screaming and crying.
I told them that I needed to go, my daughter needs me. That was all I said before I heard Mahala scream that he was dead. Oh Lord, who is dead I thought. After briefly saying bye and apologizing once again for our only 6 minute phone conference I rushed to her side. It was her hamster, the hamster that has had like 20 different names. The hamster that she had just spent all of her birthday money on to spruce up his hamster crib as she calls it. This will be her first pet that she has ever lost. Inside I was thinking, what if this would have been Rocco? He is her baby, she would give that dog mouth 2 mouth if he needed it. I know, siiiiiick!
So, after we took a look at the little guy Thanh wrapped him and took her outside to bury him. I watched from our balcony as she dug a hole and laid rocks all around the tiny grave site. She even made him a head stone. I could hear her sobs and she apologized for not taking better care of him. I was pleased to hear Thanh correct her and gave her a beautiful pep talk that seemed to dry her tears briefly.
She came back in and went straight to bed, her heart was truly broken. We talked about how for the past few days he had so much fun playing with his new toys she had bought him. We went over the whys and where he was right at that very moment.
Oddly enough my friend was going to get her another hamster after brunch for her birthday. Then she would have had 2 little hammys. We decided to tell her and explained that it wouldn't be replacing him and if she would rather wait we could do that too.
She decided around 3pm that she would like to be a hammy mommy once again. We took her and she decided to get a different breed, so they would look totally different. After explaining to the lady what had happened we might have found out what killed him. Maybe?! Hamsters should not eat pine or cedar, it's actually dangerous. One of the little log/play things Mahala bought him was from that store and she told me to look at the ingredients. PINE was the #1 ingredient. She said that it is a product for hamsters, even though it's not suitable for them. Can you believe it is still on the market?