Mom died today

It was a week before I turned 13. I can't believe it's been 21 years. That seems like such a lifetime ago.
It took a long time to feel normal after my parents died, especially after Mom's death. But, I made it, it can happen. If anyone is reading this that feels like life will never be the same after you lose someone so close to you that you feel like you shared the same heart beat. You will, but it will take time. Allow yourself to take the time. Don't get wrapped up in the anger so long that it causes you to be a bitter, nasty person that cares about nothing and no one. I know a little bit about that. Even a little girl will go through the same process a 50 year old person would. Talk about it and surround yourself with people who love you. People who want what's best for you. I didn't have that.
Every year I become anxious a few weeks before Easter. Sometimes it's worse then others. This year I have tried so hard to be positive. I want to celebrate her life this year. After 21 years I am finally able to do this. Some children become angry at the person that has past away. I was never angry at her. And believe it or not I wasn't that angry at God. Mom was very sick, I basically watched her slowly die for about two years. So, I knew she was in a better place. She had left the pain behind her. But I picked up that pain unfortunately where she left it. Sounds crazy I know. But I have done a ton of soul searching over the years. Lot's of personal therapy with myself, I guess you could say. And these where my mistakes that I made as a child. I made these mistakes because nobody was there to help me sort them out. I was all alone with my emotions, my fears, my pain. It was as though I became trapped in the fear, pain and worries of those last few years. Reliving it over and over, but involving the current life situations that was around me. Because life goes on....it will not stop just because you need it to do so. And time will never rewind, trust me I have tried to. I have begged & pleaded with God for it to happen, just once.
Her name was Violet. I think Violet is a Beautiful name. It's the name of a flower and the prettiest color I know. The evening sky can be Violet and early morning before even the birds want to peak their little heads up out of their beds. Most importantly Violet was my Mom, she gave me life. She carried me in the warmth of her belly and nourished my soul with every deep breath she took. She held me tight when I was scared and chased away the monsters that hid in my closet. She kissed my forehead when I was sick in bed and let me stay up late when her and Daddy played cards. She laughed wildly I guess like I do now. Even though I can't remember the sound of her voice or the smell of her perfume I know that she was beautiful with a heart of an Angel. She was so kind hearted, always doing for others and giving of herself.
She will always be in my heart. And I want her to be in the hearts of my kids too. Which is why this year I am going to share some stories with the kids and look through some pictures with them. I want them to know about her bravery as she fought for her life. I want them to know how kind her heart was and how generous she was. I want them to never forget the person who I called Momma.


Punked for Honey Kix?

I wanted to try the New Honey Kix mainly because as a kid I loved Kix. I remember my Mom laughing at me because I would play tea party with them in my "fine" china bowls with all my Cabbage Patch Kids. She said she bought them because I loved them so much. I think she bought them because they weren't loaded with sugar and I wouldn't climb the walls all wired.
So, how fun would it be to let little Kaden try them out, right? So, last week he climbs up into his seat and says,"cereal please". I put them out on the table with his bowl & spoon. He looks at the box and inspects it. I make him a bowl and; he loved them. He looks over at me as I scarf down adult cardboard and asks me if I wanted some. I thought how sweet of him to ask me. And then his eyebrows bunched together and he said nooooooooooooooo, just kidding. :-) And he laughed and giggled. I thought did I just get punked by a 2year old? I think I did.

He had 3 bowls that morning. I couldn't believe it....and he never shared until the end. He offered me the left over milk and smiled up at me as he said Thank you Mommy!!!! What a boy, you got to love him. So, for now on he's gonna be a Honey Kix kind of kid. Can't blame him, I had to sneak a bowl while he was playing with Mahala. They were great! Just like Kix with a touch of honey sweetness. Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm. I'm gonna have a bowl now.


Aunt Flow

I'm back and I'm at the gym with my new toy....life is good. Mahala is flipping and sprawled out all over the place. She's so beautiful even with one butt cheek showing and hair flying all over the place. She's like her mother, an OX! My Dad used to say that I was a bull in a china closet. I heard that almost everyday. God rest his soul, Thanh tells me the same thing sometimes and he never even met my Daddy. So, I guess that says a lot about me, right?
Mahala is tough though, nothing phases her....nothing. She is so strong minded and determined with everything. Somethings are just supposed to be simple I tell her. And lately on top of the I will kill you if you touch or look at me stage, she crys a lot. I feel so sad for her, because she will not open up to me. Skylar talks to me if his hair looks different then the day before. I hear about all things Skylar, nothing goes through his head that doesn't pass through my ears at some point. God love him. With Skylar we talked about everything, we were connected and no topic was closed. He felt comfortable. And this is what I would like to be able to offer Mahala.
I've started talking to her about older girl issues. She's interested and wants to learn, but there is this look of non emotion. Is that a word? I swear she could probably start her period, go purchase her own girly things and never tell me.
I never had a preteen relationship with my parents, so this is all new territory for me. Most of my foster parents didn't really try to parent or connect with me in a family way. And the different group homes treated us all as a community, not really individuals.
I'm babbling, I know. But, it's on my heart tonight. My little acorn is hard to crack. But, I'm thinking maybe she doesn't need to be cracked open. At least not until she's ready. I'll pray about it.

It's Here!!!!!

I'm so excited!! It's official, I have a New laptop. I just did all the registration and this of course is the first place I headed to. The set up and registration took forever, so this will be a short post. The kids need lunch and school books need to be opened. I'll write more tonight, because Mahala has to go to the gym tonight.
FYI, Kaden ended up real sick with the Flu. Not Swine Flu, but a flu. His fever reached 104 yesterday, so it hasn't been fun at all. I'm trying to keep my distance, but still love him. The last time I had the flu I went to the hospital. Crazy Lupus!
I'll be back-


Laptop shopping

Once again my Birthday is just around the corner. It's like someone screaming in the room with a Big Fat Sign flashing your Older Momma!!! Oh well, it's gonna happen and I guess it's better then the alternative. Actually I know for a fact that it's better then the alternative.
So, for my Birthday Thanh is getting me a new laptop. I'm thrilled, because I'm determined to have a finished book by the end of the summer. YEAH!
Anyway, so I asked Thanh about getting the laptop this weekend. He thought great idea. Easy enough....right? Oh noooooooooooooooo! All week he looked on every website that mentioned lap tops. He compared prices, checked for rebates and everything in between. So, Saturday gets here and like a kid on Christmas I was ready to hop in the car and get my new toy.
I didn't realize that my trip to the toy store was going to consist of 4 stores and 10 sales men. I wanted a pretty one with the most power and battery life. That's all I cared about. Simple, I thought, duhhhhhhh. I hate to say it but we didn't bring home the prize, but we tried again on Sunday. And after 2 stores we decided on the one. I don't even know which one, shows how much I paid attention. I just wanted the torture to end. We grabbed the little sales guy and showed him the one we wanted to get. I was like I want to take this little beauty home with me today. Right now I want to put it in my oddly shaped buggy and pay for it. And take it home and be recharged from it's beauty.
But, I once again came home empty handed. Yes, it's sad, but they were out. We stood there with our little slip of paper while the sales guy went to "get" my baby. La La La, I looked at other stuff and Thanh was still looking online, just once more to make sure this was the best deal for all the bells and whistles that I will never use anyway. And then the guy comes out and says it will be on the truck Tuesday. That's sooooooooooo long away.
But, I will wait till Tuesday for my new Baby.
After a long day we grabbed some food and hung out at home. Kaden hasn't been feeling well today. He's running a fever tonight. I hate when my kids get sick. I worry, worry and worry. After a game of Monopoly with the older kids I made good on a promise. I took Skylar to Costco for a driving lesson. More on that later!


My Little Girl Scout

My little Girl Scout is going to the Nursing Home tomorrow. They are going to sing songs for the residents. She loves doing this and has been counting down the days. After they give their little performance they are going to replant their garden for them. A double pleasure for Mahala. I love to see my little girl want to help others. Is this the same girl that sometimes makes me wish I could down a few long island iced teas. She's growing up.....I'm so proud of her.

She just started a few months ago and I have no idea why we didn't do this sooner.
Of course when she signed up we ordered her sash and handbook. She asked me to take pictures of her while she opened it, I didn't complain. Here is just 1 of the 25 I took. Yes, I am one of those parents that take pictures of Everything!


Red Icy Day

It was Kaden and I the other day just hanging out. I was trying to stay out of the sun and he was making his "rounds". First he played with his trucks and cars. Then her organized all the buckets, trash and various rocks. Then he wants to water the plants, which usually turns into him playing in the watering cans. And then the dogs get their exercise by rolling around with him and playing "come here horsey". I just snap pictures left and right. I enjoy watching him play, eat, sleep, even breath. He's like a 40 year old man. He would be perfect behind a tv camera, because he doesn't even flinch when someones following him around. He doesn't stop what he's doing, show extra"look at me" emotion, nothing. He just goes about what he was doing, like you aren't even there.

So, after about an hour or so, he says I need an icy. I get up, to see what he's gonna do. I'm wondering if he even knows how to get them.

Duhhhhhh! He peals back one of them and decides "no, he no want dis one". Peals back another and finds the right color.....Red!

I think I'll take a rest on this wall here for a minute.
After heavily debating his next move he decides on a brief walk around the yard. Just in case he drops any Macy decides to walk closely beside him. Rocco is hidden under some shade. Rocco doesn't like the "red icy", Kaden says.
Kaden is growing so fast, all kids do. I'm thrilled I get to watch it all happen, one Red Icy at a time.


Lists...I love lists!

It's been so beautiful here in my part of the world. We love to be outside as long as there is shade. Yesterday we even home schooled outside and probably did more then I actually thought we would.

Mahala didn't make it through her gym practice. Over the weekend she feel on her knee pretty hard while doing handstands. We were told to keep it on ice for a few days. So, next week we will have to be at the gym twice as long as usual because she had to miss this week. Yeah for blogging, I'll me able to catch up on my blog reading in between bar routines and floor exercises.
Today I started my yearly summer list. I like to write down what things, both fun and educational I would like us to do as a family each summer. I know that sentence didn't make sense, but whatever! :-) I usually start in April and plan into September when school starts. And then around that time I start my Fall/Holiday list, which is Oct- Jan. Feb and March are free for all Months I guess. HA HA HA Anyway, I love lists. I have lists for everything. Grocery lists, packing lists, lists for ingredients, lists of what canned goods I have on hand. I like to have lists to start my day and I write a list at the end of my day. One of the things I am thankful for and one that starts my next day.

Also, we are winding down our school year. I like to make sure all the main subjects are covered by the end of May. This way the first 2 weeks in June are easy. We are doing great as far as total work completed, but there are a few things we need to be complete in my mind. One thing is another research report. Skylar is starting his final research paper tomorrow. He is going to be diving into Carbon Foot printing. I'm excited to see what he finds and how in depth he searches into it. I'll keep everyone updated. Mahala hasn't chosen her topic yet, I may need to lead her to it. :-)
We are looking for books to read this summer. We have chosen a few people we would like to learn more about. Helen Keller, Rosa Parks, Neil Armstrong, just to name a few. If you think of some great people we should add or one of your favorite books let me know.


The Pain of Beauty

Every since Kaden's scare a few days ago I have been feeling pretty sick. Whenever I aggravate my Lupus it flares up and decides to make me regret waking up in the morning. Luckily it's only mild. I basically feel like I've got a bad flu. I can't raise my hands above my head, but for a moment. My head is dizzy along with a headache. I keep having sweats and hot flashes. Fatigue, along with weak muscles and heavy feeling arms and legs don't mix well. This has been going on since Thursday morning. I know it's because I ran across the parking lot. But, what can you do? And all the text books say to rest and relax. What world are they living in? They must not have kids. :-)
Last night I was up until nearly 5:30 this morning. My body was in so much pain and my mind was racing that I honestly thought I could have exploded. I went outside and looked up into the night sky. It was beautiful and majestic. So untouched by the world. Who knows, one day we may look up and see billboards and cars causing traffic. There could be building pods....who knows. But, last night it was beautiful and untouched. I was in so much pain, but surrounded with beauty and mystery that my mind shifted to happier times. Just like I always pray for. God give me strength to get through another day, another night. Take my mind off of the pain and the here and now. Let me focus on the people and things that Bless me.
I started to think back to my Dad. The day he died I was looking for Mom's clothes to wear to the hospital. I found a telescope. It was my Dad's last Christmas gift he had ever bought me. He loved the night sky. I remember he would joke with me about why the stars twinkle. He explained that the stars were actually small wholes in Heaven's ground. That the twinkling appeared after someone walked over one of those wholes. WOW, I used to think.
After he died I would look up and wonder if he was up there walking around over our house that night.
Finally I was able to go to sleep because I couldn't hold my eyes open anymore. I drifted off into the pain. I woke up with Kaden crawling over my head, it was 9:30. I sat up in bed only to realize today was going to be another sick day for me.
I'll pray today that tomorrow will be another day of beauty for me to enjoy.
I can't wait.


Mahala said to call 911

Today I was scared to death and given my life history that doesn't happen all the time.
This morning I decided to go meet Heather for coffee. Skylar offered to watch Kaden, so I wouldn't have to run around chasing the Beast. After making breakfast for Kaden I decided to slip out without the normal I love you's a million times. Of all mornings, I didn't give Kaden and the other two countless hugs and kisses.

I hopped in the van, still putting on my makeup. Yes, I was running late...no surprise there. I met up with Heather and we ordered our drinks. I pulled my phone out of my purse like normal, just incase the kids had a question or needed me to tell them to quit fighting, shut up and make up with one another.

It had to have been less then 5 minutes into our conversation when my phone rang. It was Skylar yelling and crying at me that Kaden had fallen and hit his head. That he wasn't moving and he was scared. Mahala was screaming in the back and saying that he needed to call 911. OMG!!!! I was so freaked out and scared that It took all I had to gather my purse and tell Heather I had to go that Kaden had fallen. People, I Ran out of the door and across the same parking lot that just 10 minutes prior I had hobbled in pain from my van. In the whole year Skylar has been allowed to baby-sit he has never had to call me about an injury. I had never heard him upset and scared like that before. He'll be 15 in a few weeks and he is very responsible. So, I knew that whatever happened could have happened with anyone watching him, not just him. Why are our precious babies so fragile? Life, it's self is precious and beautiful.

After getting out of the parking lot and onto the main road I called him again. He said that Kaden was sitting up now and I could hear him crying in the background. Crying is a good thing I told him. I had him explain his activity to me until I was pulling into the driveway. Thank the Lord our town is small and I was roughly 4-5 minutes away.

When I walked into the house Skylar just fell apart. I took a quick look at Kaden and then tried to calm Skylar down. Skylar explained that Kaden was coloring at the table and fell off the chair onto the tile. Skylar was overwhelmed with the thought that something serious could have happened while he was babysitting. I tried to calm him down while checking Kaden's head and there wasn't even a bruise, praise God. Actually at that point Kaden was organizing slips of paper by color and telling Mahala what color they were. We are going to keep an eye on him for the next few days, just incase. I told the kids today we should stay on the carpet. :-)

Thankfully he was ok and I made a promise to myself. I promised that I would never sneak out again without those million I Love Yous wuth hugs and kisses again!!!!!!


What's in your hand?

Let's play cards Mom!!!

I tried to tell him that it's better when you don't show your cards.
At least He knows when to fold 'em!



I'm dyed up to here! I'm pointing above my forehead right now, you just can't see because I'm on the floor begging for the Easter Bunny to take me with him.
What a day we have had. Filled with food, dye, baskets, grass and more grass. P.S. I will NEVER bye grass again. Those shimmery plastic strands are everywhere in my house.

I hope the bunny will stop by and leave a goody or two for my little ones, but who knows. He might walk in and look at the mess and decide it's a little too messy, even by his standards.

Everything aside, Tomorrow is Easter!!!! I have many wonderful memories of this Holiday. After church we are celebrating Easter with new friends of ours. They are a wonderful family and we all look forward to being with them.

Well, I have a few more eggs to fill and bows to tie. Happy Easter!


Sleep with the Fishes!

A few weeks ago we had another hamster die in our family. Let me correct myself....It was "Hamster Homicide"! Mahala went to feed the hamsters a few weeks ago and she screamed like "Freddy" was in the room with her. Skylar and I both ran in to check on her and that's when we saw bits of fuzz all over the counter.
It was nasty and amazing at the same time. I could not believe that one of the hamsters could eat the other. I mean that’s like waking up and finding out that Skylar ate Mahala.
Skylar gathered up a few of its remains and some left over fur and put it all in a cream cheese box. Mahala was emotional beyond words. All I could do was hold her and reassure her that he wasn’t in any pain now.
Skylar, the pain in the ass hat he can be thought Shadow should go out in style. So, as Mahala, Kaden and I started to walk down our stairs to go outside we all of a sudden hear G-N-R’s November Rain blaring. I’m surprised the neighbors didn’t call the cops.

Skylar cleared a path beside Hammy’s plot. He died like just a few months ago. We lowered the cream cheese box into the ground. Mahala placed rocks around it & made a head stone. Even Kaden paid his respects.

As the music played on, Skylar talked about making caution tape to line the Hamster cage. I thought it was too much and of course was accused of being a party poooooper. WHATEVER!!!
Mahala has decided that her next pet after Bolt dies should be a fish. When they die we can just flush them!!!!


No School in the Manic House

Right now I am digesting 3 slices of good old cheese and pepperoni pizza. I'm trying to work on my figure so I pulled myself away from the fourth. Yeah me!! Thanh is looking for a movie to go rent because it is movie night. That means popcorn, water with lemons, maybe some chocolate and a movie that hopefully wont embarrass me or put the kids to sleep. Actually putting the kids to sleep is not half bad. HA HA
I love family time. but tonight we are one down. Skylar is over at a friends house. I don't want to say that I get lonely when he's not here, but I do sort of. He will always be my baby boy, even if he will be 15 in a month. The house is quieter and Mahala is right under foot, not having her brother to pester and all. The day just wasn't the same, what else can I say.
Mahala and I did some really cool art projects together. And God bless her she helped me accomplish all of the clothes that has needed to be folded and put away forever!!! Since it was just her and I plus Kaden, I let her have the day off, so no school for her. She was very Pleased!!! Not only did she lounge in her PJ's and watch T.V off and on all day, but picked corn dogs for lunch and pizza for dinner. There's noooooooo dieting going on around here. But, tomorrow will be another day with hopefully less calories.