Sweaty crotch

Part 1
I had just come home from school and Mom was getting up to go to the bathroom. I hugged her dearly and then grabbed a left over meals on wheels plate and started to drink the chocolate milk. I was sitting staring at one of Mom’s soap operas when there was a knock on the screen door. It was my grandpa coming to drop off some sweet Zellwood corn. I hollered to Mom that he was here and then sat back down to tear into some graham crackers.

Now my whole family jokes about how Grandpa is a flirt and just a dirty old man and they always say he’s harmless and just plain old. My cousins would say he does it to everyone; it’s not a big deal. I guess I was embarrassed that all the touching bothered me. I didn’t like it at all. He repulsed me, just the sight of him. His touch creeped me out every time I endured it. I remember trying to always make sure Dad or someone from the church was around when he we near me, but it didn’t always work that way.

This day he asked me to sit down on his lap. I hesitated but he gave me an authoritative look. I went over and he hugged me super tight. I could smell peanuts on his breath and old man cologne. He rubbed my face with his stubbled cheek and placed my hand in his pants. Oh, how it made me sick to do this. I hated him for this. I thought to myself, don’t I have enough to go through right now. He started to grab my chest and held me down on the floor face first just rubbing me. I felt so worthless, like a piece of garbage. This is all I was to him. Just someone he could break down and touch. I was someone to make feel dirty and ruined. Some one that screamed inside for safety.

But, I never told, I never told my Mom and Dad. This had been going on for years and I hated myself for this until my mid twenties and then I let it go. I Never told until that very day. This was the day I told. After several minutes of his grouping hands and pinches the toilet flushed. And for the first time ever he put his index finger to his mouth and looked me straight in the eye. I looked up at him so scared and he told me don’t you ever tell your Momma what I do to you. I swear it was like he had punched me in the gut and through me across the room. I was so frightened by what he had just said I couldn’t even think. He must have noticed the look in my eyes. The look of realization that something’s not right here and if you tell I will be in trouble. It was the look of I just found out that the problem is with you, you freak. Not me, I am not the problem. You can’t control me!  Never again will you ever make me touch your nasty, sweaty crotch. You will never look or touch me under my shirt again. You will never touch me between my legs or put your mouth on me again you sorry ass loser!


Love Forever

Today has been a busy day so far. After Bible study I talked Thanh into going out to lunch. We had a FAB lunch!!! Thanh and I had the best conversation too. The kind were I knew he was listening, because he participated and he actually seemed interested. Honey, if you are reading and you were just zoning out please don't tell me. Let me enjoy my tiny fantasy!
So, we talked about our love for each other and how 11 years together changes the kind of love you share. We talked about a friend of his that he has known forever, but hasn't seen in eight years. We talked about how it is amazing that we are still together and; in love. We have been through so much as a couple. Here is just a list of the Major things that has happened in the past 8 years.
Moved across country
Had 2 pregnancies
Lost everything we owned to toxic mold- don't even ask, it SUCKED!
Have bought 2 houses and 3 cars
Started 2 businesses
My Lupus showed up and I almost died from it.
I struggle with Lupus everyday.
We lost a business- $350,000+
Almost lost house and are still barely getting by.
We have 3 kids and I homeschool them. We have gone through this and many little trials and we are still happy and in love. 
I did some shopping for school supplies after I dropped Thanh off at work. I'm excited for school to start, I know call me Crazy!


Warning- lot's of puke ahead

Monday night Kaden started throwing up everywhere. Bless Thanh, because Momma doesn't do puke. Oh no way, no way does Momma clean that up. I would seriously throw up right then and there. Anyways, it was a long night for all of us. Tuesday rolled around and he wasn't feeling well, but no vomit in sight but there was thunder down under. I can handle the thunder.Tuesday night he light up the skies with pedialite. Sprayed it everywhere. God bless Thanh, I promise I helped the best I could.
Wednesday we were all tired and the whole house started whining about soar tummies. Oh no, we're about to have a flood up in this camp and I need to get out of here. I was starting to feel a little tightness in the throat, started to water in my mouth. I started praying!! Lord, you Know I can not handle this. I can not stand to vomit, Lord help me.........
The Lord must have taken a nap because I could barley make it to the bathroom. Then to make it worse Skylar comes in and tells me he just puked in his bedroom. My older kids know that if you puke Momma ain't coming to help hold your hair.
Mahala went with Anna to the pool that day. So, poor Kaden is here alone with Skylar and I tending to our own sickness. I'm laid out on the bed about dead and Skylar sprawls himself out on my floor and Anna comes running up the stairs. Mahala puked all over herself in the van. What do you think I asked her first? Did she get any on the van? What kind of mom am I?
Thanh comes home and it looks like a bomb went off in our bedroom. We were all laid out, even the baby. Anna was the only one standing, afraid to touch anything or breath. She got it anyway though! LOL
So the rest of that night the kids and I were sick and by the morning the kids and I were not throwing up but I still had the thunder down under. I was so weak I could hardly focus. I had lost 19 lbs. I know this because I have to weigh myself twice a day because of my water retention caused by my Lupus.
The kids just laid around Thursday, but I ended up going to the hospital, I knew I would have to go eventually. They gave me 3 liters of fluid and some other meds. I came home and rested. Thursday night Thanh gets sick. He never throws up, but has the diarrhea until Saturday night. And poor Kaden does too. This house is a mess. Yesterday we cleaned everything!!! Steam cleaned the carpets, cleaned the bathrooms, kitchen, put on new sheets. We even cleaned some of the windows, don't ask me why. That stomach virus has got to go my kids kept saying! And I was right there with them.
This morning we are off to church and I plan to have a little talk with God about this throwing up business.


I Killed my Parents part 2

I killed my parents part 2

I followed Momma down the hall. She knelt down to Daddy.
Momma: Fred, what's the matter?
Dad: I don't know, I'm all sweaty & dizzy. I just don't feel so good.
Momma: Did you eat something bad?
Dad: I don't think so.
Momma: What can I do? What can I get you?
Dad: I think you need to go get Terry.
Terry was our friend that lived next door. He was a paramedic & he & his wife had watched me a few times when Mom & Dad were at the Doctor's office. Momma told me to hurry as fast as I could. Now I just have to explain that their house was right next door. But, it seemed to have taken FOREVER to get there. And while I was running a million things ran through my mind. It all depended on me right now. I was the one to save him. In my mind it made perfect sense.
I ran up to the door & pounded as loud as I possibly could. I even rang the door bell. I figured now was not the time to play polite. Terry opened the door a little miffed at who the hell is at his door so early in the morning.
Terry: Sheila? Honey what's the matter, is it your Mom? Is she ok?
Me: Mom's fine it's Daddy...You have to come RIGHT NOW!
I grabbed at his arm and tugged. I saw Kim out of the corner of my eye as I hopped off the porch with him in tow. We didn't even speak at we crossed yards.
When we got there Momma was talking to Daddy.
Momma: You know I can't remember phone numbers.
Daddy: That's ok it's *******.
I watched Momma hobble to the phone shaking like a leaf. She called an aunt and the preacher. We want to believe Daddy wasn't feeling much pain as he rattled off numerous phone numbers for Momma to call. He wanted the preacher there, I couldn't understand.
Terry called for an ambulance and while we waited Terry laid Daddy down on the ground. I like a child that I was started running up and down the hallway screaming. Screaming!!! I still remember the stomach ache I felt, the loss of control.
My aunt and the Preacher arrived and the preacher talked with my Dad. I for the life of me can not remember what was said. After the paramedics came the preacher came into the room and prayed with me. I remember bits and pieces. I know I was screaming why and no and how can God do this! I remember trashing everything in my room and then crying. I later felt like maybe my outbursts caused God to take away Daddy. Like it was my punishment.
We walked back in the living room and my other aunt was there too. She was holding Momma back and they were strapping Dad to a board to transport him into the ambulance. Momma asked Terry to go with him and he did. Momma went to get clothes on and there I was standing in Our living room all alone. I was by myself, just me, our furnishings and a blood stain left on the floor. I remember wanting to keep that blood stain somehow. That was my Daddy's blood, his life. One of my aunts later cleaned it off of the carpet and I hated her for it. I felt like it was erasing what was left.
We got into my aunt's truck and I listened to them talk about how strong Dad is and he can get through anything. Blah, Blah, Blah. On the street before we would need to take to arrive at the hospital I felt this shiver. This sense of being touched, like something went though my body and left. It was Daddy, I swear it was. For the first time since I screamed and busted things up in my room I had something to say.
Me: Daddy's gone.
Momma: What?
Me: Daddy is dead Momma.
Momma: No he's not....Don't say that. Why would you say that?
She started screaming and crying. We arrived and rushed into the emergency room. We saw Terry and he walked over to us. The look on his face, the tears in his eyes said everything we needed to know. Momma felt faint and Terry had to hold her up and walk her to a chair. A nurse took me to a chair to and I turned my head and there they were. Daddy's legs. there he was just laying there with no life at all. Just an empty shell. All his memories gone. All his dreams and passions gone.
Me: There's Daddy.
Terry was upset that I had seen him laying on the bed like that. He prayed with me and Momma. I couldn't think of God. All I could think of that very moment was that my life had just changed. Just 2 hours before my Daddy woke me up and told me good job. He was supposed to watch me this morning at rehearsal. It was Holiday time, what about this summer. What about my first date, graduation. What's going to happen when I graduate or get married. Who is going to help me take care of Momma.


I Killed My Parents!

I killed my parents! Part 1

This is what ran through my 12 year old mind every day. I was a bad girl and needed to be punished.

It was early in the morning, I was only 11. The month was November and the day was the first day of the rest of my pathetic life.
The night before my Dad and I had a typical fight.
Dad: Clean up this room!!!
Me: I don't want to clean my room.
Dad: This room better be clean when I get home.
Me: Whatever!
My thought: I hate you, you just don't understand. I have sooooo much to do, I don't have the "time" to clean my room. My garbage pail kids need to be organized, calls to make, pants to tight roll. Whatever!
This will be replayed over and over in my mind everyday for much of my teen hood and adult life.
Back to the morning in November-
A knock on my door woke me up.
Dad: Time to get up and take your bath. I see you cleaned your room, it looks good.
Me: Thank you Daddy.
I don't stay mad long, I think I learned that from my parents. I rushed into the bathroom to take my bath. I was having to go to school early that day for a rehearsal. I was in a nutcracker school musical. Yay me! What the Hell was I thinking back then. It must have been mandatory.
I remember stepping out of the bathroom leaving the warmth behind. The house was very chilly that morning. If only I would have stayed in that bathroom I could have froze time. The light in the kitchen was on and as I turned the corner I could see Daddy. He was standing with his hands gripping the sides of the counter. I caught a whiff of coffee in the air. His shirt was unbutton and he had on those Jean shorts Mom could Never stand seeing him in.
Me: You Ok Dad?
Dad: I'm not feeling so well. I think I'm gonna sit for awhile. Go on and finish getting dressed. We don't want you being late.
I rushed to finish, there was something wrong. I swear I had a feeling. There was something wrong about his appearance, his voice, the way he walked.
I followed the coffee smell out to the living room and he was pale.
Dad: Go get your Momma Sheila.
Me: Yes Sir.
I ran down the hall as quick as I could. I screamed for my Mom to wake up. She was a very sick lady, we will go into this later. She died a year after Daddy, so waking her out of her slumber was not the easiest to do. Normally I would have been gentle to wake her, sweet even. Not today, I grabbed her from her sleep and yelled how there was something wrong with Daddy. She needed to get up Right now!!
God Bless her, now as a wife I can only imagine how scary that must have been. How terrified she must have been. What was she dreaming before I woke her and changed her life. No control, she had no control over her life being changed at that very moment.
More tomorrow.......



What's my Routine?
I always find it interesting to see what people do day to day. SO I thought I would post an average day for me. I could go into more detail, but I thought I would save you the headache. I have to live Lord knows you want to just get a glimpse not Marry me. Right?

7am Kaden wakes us up with Diaper in hand. Not a clean, unused diaper. We're talking 9 hours of pee people.

7:30am Kaden plays with Daddy while I try and wake from the dead. I hate mornings.

8am Kaden and I go wake up the other two chickens. If I have to be awake then they can too. HA HA! Mahala is hard to wake up. I put Kaden on her bed and he sits on her head until she screams and rolls over on her side. Ok, one down one to go. Before we even make it to Skylar's room he is walking down the hall. I know, I know he says all muffled with this manly voice. Who is this boy, I swear just yesterday he was wearing Barney underwear!

8:30am Breakfast and Pills!!!! I have to take my meds with food. I love cereal or eggs and a bagel. Kaden has either waffles or cereal and sometimes oatmeal. His fav breakfast is eggs. Lord that baby can put away the eggs! Mahala is not nice in the morning. She doesn't want to make eye contact most mornings. She wants to get inand out with no getting hurt. Skylar is afraid there wont be enough food the rest of the day. So, he packs it in. I swear he wants to eat like this is the day all food disappears.

9:15am Clean up, teeth gets brushed, kitchen swabbed. Kaden goes and has playtime. Reading, games and toys. When Anna is here she does this while I work on my business and check emails. I get between 70 and 125 emails a day.

9:45am Older kids have free time to do whatever.

10:45am Kaden colors pictures while Mahala and Skylar do our family Bible study. Kaden entertains himself real well.

11:30- 1:30pm We make and have lunch around this time frame. Sometimes we go to the park or out to eat. But, usually it's just at home. Oh, and I take more pills!

1:30pm Outside animals, let's go!!!! We go out and they have time outside for soccer, the trampoline, a walk or whatever. Anna takes the kids on a walk every day. For at least an hour a lot of the times it's longer. If they don't do the walk now it's later in the day. This is also when we would go swim, zoo, library, par, blah, blah, blah.

3pm Kaden takes a nap hopefully. And I try to do a project with the kids. The other day Mahala and I made bead jewelry. Baking, crafts or watch a movie together. If I need to run an errand I usually do it around this time. Anna always has Kaden during this time.

4:30pm TV time for Kaden or outside in the sandbox or pool. Older kids get computer, video games or out with Kaden.

5:30-6:30pm Dinner!! I love me some food. We eat all kinds of food. Asian, Italian, Southern, Arab, Mexican, Indian, we love to cook!

6:30-8pm Family time together. We play tons of games. We are a game playing family, but we enjoy renting movies and having popcorn too.

8-9pm Baths for all the kids.

8:30-9pm Kaden goes to bed

9pm Mahala goes to bed

9:30-10pm Skylar goes to Bed

10-???? Me time and that sometimes includes Thanh. SOMETIMES! This is when I watch all my shows, read, blah, blah, blah. And I almost forgot meds once more before bed. Yipeeee!
So, what is your day like?


Dangling Hinneys

First I want to say how deeply touched I am by all of you that have sent me emails and comments about my last post. Thank you for being there for me. I look forward to taking you all along with me on my self journey. Today is a better day, my body didn't take very well to the new med, but I am adjusting to it better today.

So, yesterday after I finally removed my body from bed I went to my Bible study group. I was an hour late but they all know my situation so they gave me coffee quick and a homemade sticky bun. Yummmy!!! This was the Best sticky bun ever! I will share the recipe as soon as the lady gives it to me.

Ok, did you notice that I said "lady"? I am going to share yet another "slightly, not so perfect side of me". Shhhhhhh, don't tell a soul, because I HATE that I have this teeeny, tiny flaw.

I can not remember people's names to save my life. So serious. If a man I had meet two days ago and had spent every second with him during those two days came up to me dangling one of my kids over a fire.

I could not tell you his name to save their little hinneys from burning. Does anyone else have such a problem? My husband gets embarrassed all the time, because he says he can see my wheels turning ever so slowly when I talk to people. That's because I am trying to rack my brain. My control central person upstairs between my 2 ears hasn't always had is cup of Joe when I need him to work.

So this lady has No idea I do not remember her name. I have been seeing her every week for now, 5 weeks people. FIVE WEEKS! I have no clue, but she wants to have a play date next week. OMG! What the Heck am I going to do???

Help Manic Mom out people. What would you do besides lowering your head and admitting you need to know her name again. Please don't suggest that, I'm to weak to admit that. LOL!!



While blogging I have asked myself several times, who is Sheila? There are many sides to Sheila. No, I am not about to go Sybil on you here. It's just that I am more then a mom, wife, friend, blah, blah, blah. I think we are all seeing that here. I am a lost little girl, an orphan, a foster child, a blah, blah, blah. There is a person here that has been rejected by society more then once. There is a person that is fighting for her life once again. There is a person that is wanting to scream I AM HERE!!! I HAVE PURPOSE!!!!!! There is a little girl inside that is afraid of death. I do not want to leave my sweet children to go rest in a whole in the ground. I do not want my poor children to feel the pain of not belonging, just roaming the earth with out a guiding hand.
My Dad died when I was 11 and Mom died when I was 12. She died just 1 week before my 13th birthday. I will post soon about that whole experience.
One of my biggest fears is losing my battle to Lupus. There I said it. I am some what of a control freak. Everyone that knows me knows that I take control of everything, even feeding the damn hamster. Here let me, let me. That's ok, I can do it, I can do it. Why am I like this? Because sooooooooooooooooo much of my life I have had NO control, no say in how things went down. That puts so much fear in me. Not having control. I have no control over Lupus.
Yesterday my Dr, said I may have fluid around my heart and lungs. WHY! Why can't I just be well and not worry about something so many people take for granted. Health, people!! Don't take it for granted, enjoy it if you have it.
I will not tell my kids about our new findings until it is know for sure. I am not well today because she added more medication to my list and increased my dose of Methetrexate. Can I just say that Methetrexate Sucks!! Methetrexate is a pill form of chemotherapy. I have been on this since the last month of pregnancy with Kaden. And before I became pregnant I was on it for 2 years.
I'm sorry, I did not want to even go here on my blog, but it's so apart of my life. Lupus effects my family and I and you have clicked into my life. You have the option to stay or leave, I can't control that, but I hope you stayand I hope you share with others. I hope I can help someone, that is my Purpose.


Broken Crayons

Some of the kids were there for abuse and some were there because their families were so strung out they didn't even know they had kids. They all had their own little story. We all had therapy appointments every week....I hated them. I knew I was crazy why did I have to go tell some old man with glasses. I kept to myself. I just did my chores and kept my head down. No contact, no conversation, just do my time and get out. You definitely didn't want to cause negative attention to your self.
I felt tough enough, like I could take care of myself. I know now that I was just a scared young girl living on lies trying to cope with a situation that wasn't going to get better for a long, long time.
I did have to go into the isolation box once. I swear it's a blur thanks to my mind putting a band aid over the mental wound I have of the whole thing. I feel that my mouth put me there. I had a strong opinion of a certain situation that happened on the school bus. I had been there a few weeks and one of the little girls that they had adopted was in the front while I sat in the back. Some bully started in on her. And yes I probably should have jumped in and saved her, but I didn't. Lord Take me now, because I didn't Get involved. I just sat in the back and closed my eyes. I didn't want any trouble. No attention on me, right. Well, I got home and the little girl ran and told on me. I instantly got sentences. Ok, whatever. Nooooo!!! I had to explain why I did not defend her. I wasn't a mean person, I was scared and..... GO DOWNSTAIRS!!!!! There I was walking down to the basement. I had never asked any of the others what it was like, because I was going to keep my head down and play by the rules. I remember walking past the dryer and washer to the room that they used when their older son came to stay with them. She had one of the older kids put me in the cardboard box and closed the door. All I remember is the smell of cardboard, sweat and crayons. In the corner I could see a tiny bit of light it was there I saw the broken crayons that someone before me had left behind. It was a cramped space with sand or kitty litter on the bottom. I started feeling the air rush through my lungs and hot air came from my nose. I felt sweaty and alone. I can't remember my exact thoughts right now as I'm writing this but I do remember fear and almost like I detached from myself. I was not Sheila anymore. I woke up several hours after dinner in a puddle of urine. I had passed out and wet myself. The cold air from the basement caused sharp pain to my skin. My head was pounding and my chest was tingling from being scrunched in that cardboard hell. I had been there longer then what I had thought, everyone was in bed except K. She told me to shower and go to bed. Nothing else was ever said. I laid in bed that night after I showered and played the why game with God. I didn't get any answers that night.


The Isolation Box

It has been awhile since I sat down and dug into the back of my mind to pull out the past. So go grab a quick drink and let's go.

Now I know that these are not in any kind of order. I hate the computer and I totally do not know much about fixing my blog up to how I would like it arranged. I would like to some how organize my posts into different categories. Like Foster care, parents death and so on. I'm sure over time I will be able to figure this out, until then you must hang on and enjoy the ride. Oh.... by the way keep your hands in your lap at all times.

So, I am going to go back and touch on my early times in Foster care. My Social worker's name was Sheila. I loved her so much. She reminded me of my Mom. She was caring and loving. She always seemed interested in me. She would ask me about my dreams, what I did at school, what I did before my parents died. Just all kids of things. She made me feel important. And important is not how I felt at the time. I was in several foster homes during my duty as a foster child. I felt like it was my duty, my sentence actually. I was referred to by a number or my last name a lot. We were the "other" kids. I hated that feeling so much.
My first home placement was with K and T. They were a very strict Christian family. K stayed home and T worked and was also a preacher. We had a GIGANTIC white van with a ton of kids to fill it. The main thing I remember about being there is the rules. No radio or TV. The girls could not wear shorts or pants. No after school activities and one 15 minute phone call a week. Sentences, Lord they gave out sentences for passing gas. They would ground you too if you were older or the punishment was seen fit. They also did isolation. I have not told many about this because it was so very torturous for me. They only did this to me once because I freaked out so bad. They had refrigerator boxes that they had in the basement. Sometimes they brought them up to the children's room, but most of the time they left them in the basement so they could not hear the kid's cries. Kids would have to go inside as a punishment if the sentences didn't stop the behavior or if they were too young to write. I remember one time they had their "real family" over for Thanksgiving and 2 of the kids were inside the 2 boxes and then 1 was placed in her closet. They were not allowed dinner. I was always on my best behavior because I was in there once.