Pale Purple Light

If you asked me what my favorite part of the day is, I would have a fast answer for you. It's when the pale, purple light fills the room. I'm not quiet sure even what the exact time of the very early morning that is. But, it's where the night meets the morning. It's when the lonely turns into comfort. Where the danger melts away and safety grows strong. Death becomes life again! I love the pale purple light. It gives me comfort and joy. And tonight I think I understand why. Which is why I decided to write about it instead of sleeping.
I know that I am weird, I admit it. But, I find safety in my weirdness. It's what reminds me that I am alive. I can probably account for all the places I have seen the pale purple light. Crazy, right?
Tonight I laid down in bed and I closed my eyes. I breathed slowly and listened to the wind rock the porch chairs that lined our upstairs balcony. I opened my eyes and turned towards our bathroom. The moon shined it's beautiful light onto the wall. It wasn't real pale purple light, but close! And for about 10 minutes I went back in time and remembered the comfort and joy I once felt when the night meet the morning light.

I was in Titusville FL the first time. We had a neighbor that had kids, but they were a little older then I was. Let's call them Sue and Tom. One night after playing at my house with Sue on my new slip and slide I went to her house for a sleep over. Sue and I was up all night giggling and eating candy. We played card games and barbies. Her brother. Tom was probably 3 years older then me. During the night he came into his sister's room and well you can imagine. That night he let his fingers do the walking. I was there confused and wide awake after he was done exploring my young body. Was he going to come back? What was going to happen next. Waiting I remember looking out the window towards my house. I remember thinking about my parents, imagining them snug in their bed. I thought about my canopy bed and my doll house, how I would do anything at that moment to be home. And then it happened, the darkness turned into this beautiful light. It comforted me as I watched this oblivious girl's room fill with the pale, purple light.
When I was in foster care several times I was under attack. There was this older couple that anyone would think was the sweetest old couple in the world. Well, the man of the house used to sneak into the girls room at night and do things I rather not talk about. Some of the girls would cry as he raped them with hairbrushes and hair spray bottles. He would take turns, sometimes we would get lucky and our door would remain shut all night. I would sleep in the middle of my bed with a jacket on. My social worker thought I was crazy and the man's wife used to give us girls a hard time about it too. If I could just get through the night tonight, I would say to myself. Us girls would whisper to each other waiting for the door to open. But, then it would happen. The Pale Purple Light and I would know that I was safe, at least for another day. There were countless other times and places where I experienced the pale purple light and many of the times as a struggling teen I was fixing my night clothes, washing myself or just plain paralyzed with disgust. But when it came I knew it was over for the night and I knew it was safe to sleep.

Tonight it hit me, I understood why the pale purple light was so comforting to me. Because all these years I knew that if I saw the light it was safe to close my eyes. I could relax myself and nothing would happen. It is painful to write this but rewarding too. Uncovering why I am who I am is worth my weight in gold. Wow, that's a lot of gold.

Pain, Pills & Tears

It has been a long few days and I just wanted to pop in and say hello. Boy was I excited to see all of the sweet comments. I appreciate them all and so does Skylar. I read them out loud so he could hear them in the other room. I have over 300 emails right now and when I glanced at them yesterday I recognized some familiar names. I promise to reply to them all as soon as I can.
As far as Skylar goes the weekend was full of pain, pills and tears. Monday I took him to the Dr. and he explained that because the break was on both sides of the bone, one a little higher then the other he may can get away without surgery. Once a week we will have it rescanned for the next 6 weeks. If at anytime it looks like it's slipping apart then off with the cast and surgery he will go.
The cast was painful; it goes from toe to upper thigh. Yeah, that was embarrassing, the Dr. joked to kind of make the situation a little lighter.
I say all in all he's doing as good as can be expected. I have pictures that I will download, can't break your leg and not document it, right?

So, besides taking care of Skylar and getting an average of 4 hours of sleep each night we are going strong with homeschool. Even Skylar did his work today. Yes, you read right. I made the boy do his schoolin' today. I told him that he didn't break his head so he could crack open a book today. LOL, please tell me your laughing too. He's been screaming child abuse for 2 days. Yesterday I was getting him out of the van to go into the Dr's office. I almost pulled off his stretchy shorts and then stepped on his good foot. Then when we were leaving I accidentally pushed the button that automatically closes the van door when I was looking for my cell phone in my purse. His leg was hanging out, Poor boy. That could have been ugly. I took him out for lunch and a milk shack to make up for my almost killing him.

I'm off to make dinner, Lord Knows I hate making dinner. Ta Ta for now!

When it rains it pours

WOW, what a day I had yesterday! It was busy as usual, nothing to out of the ordinary. Then we left for gymnastics. The kids were so excited to hit the gym. We got there and Skylar was out on the floor first. His warm up was great and then Mahala was off to start her warm up. Next thing you know one of the instructors came up to me and said they think Skylar had broken his leg. No body in our family has ever broken anything, so I was not familiar with what I would have to deal with. He was all scrunched up on a stack of mats trying to hold back tears. They told me he did a front flip off of the spring board and landed with his knees too far forward. God love him it took 4 guys to situate him just right in the van. They were very careful and calm. Mahala decided to stay and finish her class, which was good because I could just focus on Skylar. The ride seemed long and very bumpy. We got there and I ran in to get help. They sent out a stretcher and took him right in. He screamed almost at the top of his lungs in pain. It was hard to watch. The meds seemed to take the edge off, but he needed more like every hour, so the doctor was anxious to see what was going on in that leg. We were there nearly 3 hours before someone from the ex ray department came. After the ex rays Thanh and Mahala walked in and then the doctor told us the news. He broke his Tibia in half. Half way up his leg, right on the shin. He's probably going to need surgery, we aren't for sure yet. I hope not, but if he needs it he needs it. So, for the next 3 hours we waited and waited and then finally they put a splint on from his ass to his toes. He had to turn onto his stomach and I thought he was going to break a window he cried and screamed so loud.
I asked about meds, because at this time it's after midnight. They told me a 24 hour pharmacy is like 35 min. away. Are you kidding me? I was hoping they would send me home with a few to get me through the night. Thanh was pissed. Thank God I basically have a pharmacy at home and I had plenty of Vicodin to share. And don't worry I made sure the prescription was the same.
So, we finally get home. Thanh and I prop him up in the rocking chair down stairs. I gave him more meds and ice. We decided to give him my cell phone so he could call Thanh's upstairs and I would come help him. Night Night, right? Wrong!
We walk upstairs and Thanh says I should tell Anna we are home, because she was very worried. I knock on her door and I told her everything that happened. She said she needed to use the bathroom, so I followed her out into the hall behind her. The light was off and as we were still talking she said that she couldn't see. I thought it was because the light was off. She started swaying back and forth and I was like quit playing around. She didn't say anything and then fell face forward on the desk and then back into my arms. I lowered her to the ground and hollered for Thanh. I thought she was having a seizure, because I couldn't see. Thanh turned on the lights and her eyes were wide open and she didn't answer us. I was terrified. After a minute she was like what happened. She was white as a ghost! She had a banana and some Gatorade, because she said she hadn't ate since like 4pm and it was a pack of cookies. Lord it scared me! Say a Prayer for Anna today.
What a night!!!! Finally we went to bed. Poor Skylar had to call on me 4 times that night. Today has been hard for him. Please Pray for him. He needs peace of mind, and strength to get through the pain. Please Pray that his bone heals properly and that Monday the Dr. says he doesn't need to have a rod put in. I need Prayers too. My body can only take so much. I need strength to get through the sleepless nights and strength to help move him.

Priceless Giving

So, Friday night Thanh and I went out to dinner for his Birthday!!! The restaurant we went to was not very impressive. And we actually left more hungry then we were when we walked in. How does that happen?
So, for my Birthday present I told you all that it was TOP SECRET! I have a hard time keeping a secret when it involves presents and my family. Christmas is sooooooooooooo hard and the kids know it too. I couldn't for the life of me think of an amazing gift that would knock Thanh's socks off but not break the bank.  I arranged for one of his Best Buds from Him school to come for a visit.
We have had so many obstacles and negative situations in our life for a good few years now. And I know that it takes a toll on you after awhile. Which is why I wanted to give him a BIG surprise. He recently started talking to his friend again after not seeing him in 8 years. Life just built this wall around us and we have focused on family and getting by one day at a time. They were friends through high school and college. And after college we went to CA and he went to TX and now lives in Minnesota. When I contacted Todd he was so happy and more then willing to come out for a weekend. And even better he was scheduled to fly out here for work in a few weeks. So, his job will be paying the ticket we just have to pick him up on Fri. and take him back on Sun. It just couldn't be any better. And now that he knows how close we are to his CA office we are sure to see more of him.
I gave Thanh his card and told him that I had a present for him, he looked over at me and I held up a sign that had Todd's name on it. I swear he had tears in his eyes. So the fact that we were hungry didn't really matter, because he was so excited about hanging out with Todd. I did good this year, now I have Mahala's Birthday next. Yipeeeeeeee!!! I love surprising my family. Seeing their face light up and watching their eyes shimmer with delight is priceless.

My Life Your Life

It has been a week since I've written anything. This has been the longest week too. What have I been doing?

School has started and I don't even have all of my books yet. How can that be possible? In the land of Manic Momma anything is possible I guess. So success has not been lurking in our classroom. We have started on a novel and Spelling assignments. We started out German lessons yesterday. Oh yeah, I forgot to tell ya. I don't have enough to do, so I decided to add German to our curriculum this year. LOL!!! We are actually excited about it. My father was part German and I thought it would be cool to dig a little deeper into the German culture. Anna also knows German, so while she is here I thought we could use her knowledge as well.

Gymnastics.....Oh how Mahala LOVES the sport. And listen here when I tell you that she is pretty damn good at it too. She has Never been interested in any sport. She didn't even watch the Olympics. So I have never pushed a sport on her, why make a fuss I always thought. Her instructor last night told me she was a natural and with her determination she thought she could make team. WOW, that sounds cool. So for an hour and a half I sit on the sidelines in aw as my baby girl tumbles, stretches and glides across the balance beam. And to make life even more of a joy Skylar is doing it too. Yep, you read right. Last week I asked him to sign up for at least the free class. And reluctantly he did, I had to push him out onto the mat. After class he was so excited and the instructor told me they were moving him up to a level 4. We can then decide if we would like to put him on a team or not. Level 4 begins the competitive level, but you can choose to stay recreational if you want to.

Thanh's Birthday is Wednesday. But, tonight I am surprising him with dinner. I have an extra something that I am going to surprise him with too. I can't say right now. He may read this and I can't let him find out until tonight. HE HE HEEEEE.

I am a Survivor!

It's Friday!!!!
Mahala, Anna and Kaden are at the pool. Skylar is playing a video game and I am hear stuffing my face with chocolates. Who can complain, right? Not me said the fat fly!!

Yesterday Mahala LOVED her gymnastics class!!! Today we are going to check out another gym and then we will compare notes and decide which one she enjoys most. Yipeee!

I was thinking about the tiny wooden house that was far back off of the road. Where one very cold night I was there all huddled with Skylar. I remember trying to see into the future knowing that this too shall pass. Just like the death of my parents, being sexually abused, physical abuse and foster care. They were all just moments in time that pass, only to give you new moments. So life for me is hoping and praying that the new moments are better, safer.
That night I wrote down the things I wanted, my dreams. I wrote down what I thought I needed to do in order to get to where I wanted to go. The cold air burned through my nostrils as I inhaled and exhaled so slowly to the rhythm of my heart beat beating in my ear. It was so quiet and even today the sound of quietness scares me.
I knew I needed to get an education. At that time to make money I would go house to house and ask people if I could wash clothes or clean their kitchen. I would explain to them that I needed money for Skylar and I. I never told them I was homeless and I always dressed clean. I never wanted them to know how bad it really was. The fear of them calling HRS and having Skylar taken from me overwhelmed me daily. I strapped Skylar in an umbrella stroller some sweet lady gave me at a yard sale. I would clean and clean and pray. We would go from house to house and I would clean and clean and pray. I worried I would run out of houses. I never went too far, because I felt safe in that area. I knew what was out there, we were just about 10-15 minutes away from the city if you walked. I feared one of us would get killed in the city or I would get rapped or mugged. You don't see a lot of homeless babies. What could happen to Skylar? We do end up in the city, but that story will have to wait for another day.
I would be honest with the people at the 7-11 and they were good to us. I can't remember now, but on a certain day of the week they would throw away all the leftover sandwiches and premade foods. I was always there, never late. Skylar ans I would have a feast that night!! I always bought fresh milk for him, I was soooooooooo thankful when he was off formula. I would get samples of that at the health department. But, they made me nervous. I was always worried they would ask too many questions. I could not loose my boy!!!
There was a park kind of close. We would sneak out from behind "our" house and walk a few blocks to the park. There was a church close to it and there outside light gave off this yellow glow. It was just enough light for us to see. My favorite thing was the swings. I would swing really high by myself and then I would take Skylar on and he would laugh so loud. Music to my ears, his laugh was. Then we would get on the merry-go-round ans the sand box. It felt like Disney World. Our Disney World! Some nights were cut short, because legally the park is closed when the sun goes down and as soon as we would see a police car we would hit the road. I didn't need any attention.
My life was all about surviving. I decided one day for shits and grins to step out of my comfort zone. WAY OUT! I took a public bus and asked the nice man if he would take me to the community college. He said that he would love to.

Soccer or Gymnastics

My sweet baby girl Mahala has never had a real interest in sports or really any extracurricular activity at all. But since Anna has been here with us they have played soccer. And Anna who is from Sweden and takes soccer very seriously thinks she is great at it and thinks I should put her on a team. So, the other day- of course after sign ups - Mahala announces that she wants to sign up for soccer. Ok, yeah....I guess.How the hell do I do that. I have always been intimidated by soccer because of the title "Soccer Mom". And because soccer is crazy here where I live and some of my friends that have kids who play are like soccer freaks. They are practicing all the time. Doing indoor, outdoor, select this, select that.

So, I explained to Mahala that since sign ups are officially closed she may not be able to get on a team. Sure enough all teams were full and the list for fill ins was a mile long. The lady explained what to do for next summer and explained how indoor/outdoor works. She would need to register in January for summer outdoor, really!?
But, when she found out we were homeschoolers she told us about this program for homeschoolers. They meet on Fridays (not yet but soon) for chess and soccer. Great! Mahala didn't seem too disappointed and even asked questions. I was happy that she wasn't too down. I mean she is only 8 years old.
Before we left to try and sign up for soccer we had talked about gymnastics. We've talked before, several times. But, I never could get a real commitment. But, yesterday she gave me a commitment. So, I took her and signed her up at not 1, but 2 different gymnastic places. She will get a free lesson at each of them. One on Thursday and one on Friday. She was grinning from ear to ear, I was worried her teeth might fall out. I promise to update!

Shackles

My kids know about the homeless thing. I have talked to Skylar a lot about it. I figure those first 5 years of life are critical and play into who you are. I tell my kids because I want them to know how good life is. How important family is and how well off they are now. Be thankful you hear me! I think for my kids they understand who I am and where I've been. I hold my kids, my husband so close to me and so high on my list because I know....BAAAM! It can ALL be taken away in an Instant. Do you know what an instant looks like? Imagine being in a pink straight jacket looking outside from a window. There is your family playing together in slow motion. Playing ball and picking daisies sing together in between laughs. The sun has never been so bright and warm you can feel to on your face through the window.

BAAAM!!!!!!

You scream and fight but that straight jacket just gets tighter and tighter the more you fight. You toss yourself on the cold floor trying to get out and save your family. The pain from your struggle burns as the pain in your breaking heart aches an ache you've never felt or imagined before. You get up and look out the window, you know for a fact that this had to have been just a dream, a nightmare! But it's raining and dark when you look out that window. All the flowers you once saw are gone. Your family is gone, you hear no more singing, there are no more games being played. It's so very quiet, there are no more laughs. And you just stand there at the window shivering all alone. You look down and notice that the pink straight jacket is gone....it's replaced with shackles.

Forward

This was an email from a friend that knows I'm a Germ Freak!!! I normally hate forwards, but I thought this was too funny.

When you have to visit a public bathroom, you usually find a line of women, so you smile politely and take your place. Once it's your turn, you check for feet under the stall doors. Every stall is occupied. Finally, a door opens and you dash in, nearly knocking down the woman leaving the stall. You get in to find the door won't latch. It doesn't matter, the wait has been so long you are about to wet your pants! The dispenser for the modern "seat covers" (invented by someone's Mom, no doubt) is handy, but empty. You would hang your purse on the door hook, if there were one, but there isn't - so you carefully but quickly drape it around your neck, (Mom would turn over in her grave if you put it on the FLOOR!), yank down your pants, and assume "The Stance." In this position your aging, toneless thigh muscles begin to shake. You'd love to sit down, but you certainly hadn't taken time to wipe the seat or lay toilet paper on it, so you hold "The Stance." To take your mind off your trembling thighs, you reach for what you discover to be the empty toilet paper dispenser. In your mind, you can hear your mother's voice saying, "Honey, if you had tried to clean the seat, you would have KNOWN there was no toilet paper!" Your thighs shake more. You remember the tiny tissue that you blew your nose on yesterday - the one that's still in your purse. That would have to do. You crumple it in the puffiest way possible. It is still smaller than your thumbnail. Someone pushes open your stall door because the latch doesn't work. The door hits your purse, which is hanging around your neck in front of your chest, and you and your purse topple backward against the tank of the toilet. "Occupied!" you scream, as you reach for the door, dropping your precious, tiny, crumpled tissue in a puddle on the floor, lose your footing altogether, and slide down directly onto the TOILET SEAT. It is wet of course. You bolt up, knowing all too well that it's too late. Your bare bottom has made contact with every imaginable germ and life form on the uncovered seat because YOU never laid down toilet paper - not that there was any, even if you had taken time to try. You know that your mother would be utterly appalled if she knew, because, you're certain, her bare bottom never touched a public toilet seat because, frankly, dear, "You just don't KNOW what kind of diseases you could get." ! By this time, the automatic sensor on the back of the toilet is so confused that it flushes, propelling a stream of water like a firehose against the inside of the bowl that sprays a fine mist of water that covers your butt and runs down your legs and into your shoes. The flush somehow sucks everything down with such force that you grab onto the empty toilet paper dispenser for fear of being dragged in too. At that point, you give up. You're soaked by the spewing water and the wet toilet seat. You're exhausted. You try to wipe with a gum wrapper you found in your pocket and then slink out inconspicuously to the sinks. You can't figure out how to operate the faucets with the automatic sensors, so you wipe your hands with spit and a dry paper towel and walk past the line of women, still waiting. You are no longer able to smile politely to them. A kind soul at the very end of the line points out a piece of toilet paper trailing from your shoe. ( Where was that when you NEEDED it??) You yank the paper from your shoe, plunk it the woman's hand and tell her warmly, "Here, you just might need this." As you exit, you spot your hubby, who has long since entered, used and left the men's restroom. Annoyed, he asks, "What took you so long, and why is your purse hanging around your neck?" . .This is dedicated to women everywhere who deal with a public restroom (rest??? you've got to be kidding!!). It finally explains to the men what really does take us so long. It also answers their other commonly asked question about why women go to the restroom in pairs. It's so the other gal can hold the door, hang onto your purse and hand you Kleenex under the door!!

Help, Need food Quick

It's a Beautiful Sunday here! Yipeeee! We had a great breakfast brought to you by MOMMY!!!! And then we had a small family melt down followed by a fast frenzy to church.
Amen, Amen what a wonderful service even though Kaden pretended to be the HULK and caused the church daycare workers to literally break out into a sweat. He was not a very happy camper. Apparently I forgot to send him a memo that the family melt down was over!
After church I suckered Thanh into taking us out to lunch. Yeah me! And then we went to our local "everything is Larger than Life, but at a discount" store. And spent a boat load of money on much needed essentials.
We came home, played with the kids and kind of hung out. Then we thought we would look at old year book pictures. Yeah, everything is fun until someone gets hurt. Obviously my hair was a tad high back then.

Sweaty Crotch Part 2

He got up and left and he never touched me again, that battle was over. Mom came in the room and asked where he was. Now I know better then to upset Mom, the doctors and everyone always told me how we couldn’t upset her and cause her unnecessary stress. But, I felt this was necessary. I started rambling on and on about all the picnics and bbqs, when he would corner me into an empty Sunday school room at church. How he would touch and taste my body and sometimes I was not alone. There were other kids that were involved too. It all poured out of me like I had just pulled the cork from the ocean’s floor. And she held me and screamed apologies. And we rocked back and forth and cried together. Mom told me how he used to chase her around the table trying to catch her to abuse her too. She kept saying how stupid she was because she did not protect me when she knew what he was capable of. She told me about the scary nights she had as a little girl. Having to live under the same roof with him.

Mom decided to call one of her sisters and she rushed on over. Mom told her everything I had said. I felt like I was on trial for doing something wrong. She started in on how he was a good church man and he’s just an old man. All men get like that when they get older. She kept looking at me with her face all twisted like I was the one holding down little children. Hey lady I was the child in this picture here!! I couldn’t believe my ears, she called him and asked about the whole thing, and Sheila said this Daddy. Yes, ahh, ok. Yes Daddy. Blah, blah, blah. I felt like I was being boxed into a corner. I was having irrational thoughts at this point. I remember fearing that what if she told him to come over and said here you go Daddy, take her. We know you are a good, Christian man. Now Sheila shut up and take it, like we all had to. That’s exactly how I felt this was all going to go down.

So, I did what I learned to do best. I ran; I ran as fast as I could out the front door. I remember hearing Momma screaming to my aunt how she was going to lose her baby. Go after her she screamed, please. I was gone and it felt good to feel the wind rush in and out of my lungs. The pain in my side and chest helped me to know that yes, I was still alive. I slowed down and turned into a neighborhood. I had never been there before and it felt nice to be somewhere new. Nobody knew me; I was the outsider looking into their windows. I saw kids playing, mom’s bringing in groceries, fathers mowing lawns. Yeah, I’ll take this one I thought. I want this kind of life. Not the screwed up one down the road.

I walked until after dark and then I started to worry about Momma. There was no need for her to be upset and worry about me. God forbid what if something has happened to her and I’m not there to take charge. So I walked and then I ran so I could get there sooner. And when I reached our yard I stood there. There she was sitting on her bed with her legs dangling over the side. She had her red shawl like blanket over her shoulders. She was scared and worried, I could just tell. And for a minute I felt like the luckiest girl in the world. To have had such a beautiful family at one time. There was so much love in our home. And now looking at her it was my responsibility to care for her and love her like she’s always done for me. I was going to keep our love alive and I knew our love would keep her alive.
I walked in the door and she had tears pouring from her eyes. The relief of me finally walking through that door was all over her face. I dropped down on my knees in front of her and cried she rubbed my head and told me he would never touch me again. She said that Daddy is probably rolling in his grave and that he would have killed him if he would have known. We finally went to bed after a long talk and I felt safe that night. Safe from my grandpa and safe from death.