The Autism Silence

It's been a hard weekend for me.  The silence is killing me.  I think the silence and lack of socializing is harder on me then the anger, tantrums, misunderstandings and sleepless nights that Autism has brought into our Family.  I know it might sound crazy....but, I feel so useless right now.  All Kaden wants to do is be alone in his room or playing a computer game.
Last night I found him playing legos in his room.  I acted so excited and intrigued in what he was building.  I smiled and asked if I could sit down and play with him.  This was attempt #6 for the day.  He told me in a mono-toned voice that I couldn't and he reminded me that it was his room and he needed his time to himself.  All day, he spent alone in that room organizing and reading.  I only saw him when he came out to eat and once when he asked to work in his workbooks.  It's as if he doesn't care to participate, very little gives him joy on an everyday level.  I mean yes, a trip to Disney would make him smile.  But, common everyday things pass right by him.  And those are the most wonderful things in life! 
It's hard to not take it personally.  I hate to sound like a huge baby but, it hurts my feelings.  I talked with my husband last night about it, he says not to let it bother me.  Ohhhh, ok I get it now.  Let me flip the switch to "don't care".  :p  Anyway, later I heard him tell Kaden that he should go spend a little time with me before bed.  He groaned, actually groaned!  Reluctantly he came into the bedroom, because he still sleeps with us.  We read books together and I made up a silly game with bubbles that he laughed at and enjoyed.  And then it was time for lights out, so our routine started.  A squirt or 2 of lavender and eucalyptus room spray.  Lullaby music and the coveted RED blanket that he has to have.  We laid down and before he piled the pillows to cover his face, he held my face and said to me that he loves me and never wants me to leave him.  So, of course like right now I started to get teary eyed.  After telling him how I would always be there for him, that I loved doing things together. I told him that that's why sometimes I feel sad or lonely when we don't hang out.  He told me he just likes his space to himself and that he had things to do.
I realized by the sound of his voice that he did not understand like one of the other kids would, that my feelings were hurt.  He didn't get it because he has Autism and this is just apart of our life now.  I just have to remember that and quit comparing him to the other kids.  The other kids were always up my butt doing a craft or playing a game.  Kaden is just not going to be like that and I have to stop feeling like it's my fault and that there must be something wrong with me.
I mean nobody else in this house is bothered that he could seriously go the whole weekend without interacting with anyone except for when he needs something he can't do for himself.  So, why does it bother me???????  I think I already answered myself a line or two up, I just blame myself and it has got to stop.

I think I will talk with his therapist on Monday.  I know the ABA therapy wears him out, which means that's less time he is willing to give to the family.  I just love him so much, he is my world and I would do anything for him.....anything.  I feel a little better now......off to make some dinner!

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