Yesterday Mahala went for her ultrasound.  The technician found at least 3 more masses around her right ovary. I want to call them cyst, but they haven't called them cyst yet.  Maybe they are fibroids, who knows yet.  All I know is that they cause her pain and when she feels pain I feel pain.  And my pain is in my gut, no medicine can help/  I'm freakin' crazy as it is.  Now I'm so anxious and worried that I can hardly focus on one thing at a time.  I feel I have so much too do, but all I can do is go over and over in my head what I heard during her ultrasound and what the pics looked like. And over analyzing where each pain is when she rocks herself on the couch in pain.  Worried with each meal she passes up and when she starts sweating I check her fever.  I don't want to leave her side even when she goes to the bathroom.
I have turned this situation into much more then it has to be I'm sure in my he.  Meaning that I think mentally I am that 12 year old little girl trying to save her sick Mother.  I failed back then and I can't fail now.  Now, I know this is all crazy talk and I could not physically save my Mom way back then.  But, that is what I actually believed when I was a young girl.  Kind of like if I clean my room, do all my homework and wash the dishes I can go hang out wit my friends mentality.  I knew that if I gave my Mom all her meds precisely the right amount and on a schedule she would get better.  If the house smelled like the inside of a Lysol can and pine trees she would live.  It says all hospitals trust it right on the can.  I tucked her in each night, even fluffed her pillow.  It made me feel better when she did that for me.  I made sure to give balanced meals, even if she couldn't eat and fresh water glasses every 20 minutes.  Fresh was better, it would heal her.  She could then be my Mom again.
I was so angry when she died, what did I mess up on, what more could I have done.  I FAILED!!!!!  I lived live with those words still.  I wish I could say that when I turned 25 I came to realize that I was just a child.  Part of me knows that, but deep inside I know I torture myself everyday, with everything I do.  This with Mahala is no different.  Which is why I am "on call" 24 hours a day.  I feel in my heart I control it all.  But, in my head I know that's not true.  And then I feel deflated, because I am just 1 person.  I realized that I do not control all, even if it is my own life I am trying to control.  No matter how perfect, good, precise, methodical, or clever you try to be, you can not change what is to be.  You can only prepare yourself to embrace the changes that will inevitably happen.


It's No Fun

So, she is home from the hospital.  What does that mean for us?  Well we sit and wait.  We wait for this foreign object that's deep inside her body to grow again.  Will it grow back?  We don't know.  So we sit and wait.  And life goes on.  That is the weirdest thing.  We think life should kind of stand still, like when a loved one dies.  We are almost shocked when we see someone laughing or a new movie comes out.  We tend to be stuck grieving or worrying.  Denial, I think is the emotion mixed with anger and grief. 
I walk around this house unable to think, I can't focus on a damn thing.  I don't want to do anything, yet I'm board. My kids need me and I feel so out of control because I am not able to protect my baby girl. 
When we left the hospital they still had No idea what this was growing inside her body.  All 6 Doctors said they had never seen anything like this.  Maybe that's why I feel so miffed.  I am a person that has to have an answer and if I don't have it then I find it.  On top of it all she has been diagnosed with colitis, so that's no fun.  I know, because I have it.  If you have it and you say otherwise you are full of shit.  HAHAHA  that's funny to me. :-)
So, I am thrilled she can be home right now and recuperate, I'm just worried that this is not the end.  I have been praying for all the parents out there who have children with illnesses that require hospital stays, drugs & tests.  The uncertainty they deal with everyday.  The struggles they face inside and outside the hospital.  Just know that I am one person, but I am praying for you. 


Collard Dreams And Black Eyed Wishes

New Years in the Hospital

Ringing in the New Year Hospital style.  This year of course was not at all how we expected.  We normal;y have a long list of traditions that we participate in.  Some may call them weirdo rituals I say I'm just southern and my family was too poor to buy fireworks on New Years so they decided to partake in every superstition known to man to ring in the New Year.
I was sooooooo worried about not having collard greens on New Year's Day and not being able to kiss a fool, AKA my husband at midnight I just knew 2011 was going to be doomed. Until a friend of mine said to me that I needed to just relax. She reminded me that every year since the day I popped out I have done the same thing.  Then she used the Dr. Phil method on me.  How's that workin' for you????? 
Everyone had to wear a mask while Mahala had her pic line changed.

Mahala's Pic line


Back to Normal....Almost

We are home and my sweet little darling is safe playing with her brothers. What a few weeks we have had. One can never truly prepare for a child having an unsuspected illness.
She was discharged and the plan is to have an ultrasound in a week and a half to see if the mass has grown. This week she will visit a pediatric gastro Dr. for her colitis. And will have an appointment with a pediatric OB Dr. next week. She still may loose her ovary and tube if the mass grows. We are not 100% comfortable yet, but she's home so we are more relaxed then what we were in the hospital.
Our home school group has blessed us with meals every night for the week. What a blessing too, I knew it would be helpful, but what a relief to not have to put together a dinner for the family when you are still so worried.
Today I made all of her appointments and organized what bills we have. I picked up the house a bit and looked through our calendar to figure out what outings we have coming up. We need to start doing some home school work by Wednesday, because her first appointment will be Thursday and I don't want to wait too long before we get back to some normalcy. I told her I wanted her to do reading and one other subject this first week.
I let Skylar go to the movies with one of his friends and then hang out with him all day. I know he has been under a lot of stress with watching over Kaden all this time. He was amazing, did more then I honestly imagined he could do.
Kaden has some kind of virus. I called his Dr. and he said if he's not better by Friday to bring him in. I tell you if our family doesn't get healthy in 2011 I'm going to screeeeeeaaaam!!!! It has to be better in 2011. Kaden is so happy having everyone home. I'm sure the virus he has is lingering because he's been stressed with everything that's been going on. Well, I'm going to try and hit the hay early tonight. Sleeping on a fold out chair in the hospital stinks!!!