That being said, sometimes I'm scared of him. I used to not be fearful of his anger, because he was 45lbs. wearing elmo slippers. Things have changed over the past few years. He is a little over 100lbs and turning 9 in a few short months. His hormones are changing and the rage he experiences is tolerable on good days, it's the not so good days when I loose hope briefly. And then the anger dies down and I see my sweet boy again and just like child birth pains all stress is forgotten.....well, kind of forgotten. :)
The other day we had an episode after breakfast. I was picking up things off the floor so I could vacuum. I asked him to help pick up some of his things left out from the night before. Of course he didn't want to and protested. I told him that if I vacuumed his little toys might get sucked up. Still he resisted and started to get overwhelmed, I knew it was about to happen. If I pushed it he would start hitting himself, bang on the walls and totally thrash his body until he would almost pass out. Afterwards in his room he would nap or rest and then come downstairs completely oblivious to what just happened.
So, to avoid this as much as possible I rate the situations and ask myself how important is it for him to do or not do what I'm asking or if there is a change in activity....is it necessary? At that moment I decided it wasn't important to have him pick up, so I told him that I would do it. And then it happened....he lunged after me and clawed my face to the point blood dripped down my chin. I was in shock, literally in shock he has NEVER put his hands on me besides pushing me away or kicking at me. I was trying to block my face and he punched and kicked me with strength I had never felt before. I was scared, he didn't look like Kaden, his eyes were set with rage, you could see it was fight or flight for him. I had told him if I vacuumed them up they were gone and then I started picking them up. A typical child would be like cool, now I don't have to do it. But, Kaden felt threatened. In his mind he lost control of his belongings and I was taking them away forever and then what goes in the trash next. I can see this clearly just a few hours after the whole thing, but sometimes in the moment I think I'm making his life easier and instead I cause a bigger situation. Every day I learn how to navigate life with a child on the Spectrum. Every day there is new challenges and many fun Blessings too. It's a balance and sometimes I feel like I've lost....like I did on that day.
Afterwards he ran upstairs and laid under the coffee table with his weighted blanket. For 15 minutes he ran back and forth to under the table to at the top of the stairs screaming. He needed the blanket and the tight space under the coffee table to help him get back to the real Kaden. But, he didn't know what to do with the emotions of what had just happened. I know he LOVES me, I am his rock, soother, caregiver, protector, hugger.....I am his Momma. He was terrified of what he did, he came and touch my face and asked how that could happen? How did this happen? And he started hitting himself and screaming how he should die. Mahala had to hold him down to protect him from himself until he was calm. And then he crawled and curled up at my feet making little puppy noises. This is part of the process, at this point all rage is over and now I mend him back together again. I pulled him up to my lap and held him, putting extra pressure on his main joints....this brings him back to us. At this point I couldn't stop crying, I normally don't, but my face was on fire. I went to clean up and Kaden rested. For the rest of that day every time he looked at me he shuck his head with disbelief and would get this scared worried face. He told me he was sorry and when I tried to talk to him which I normally always do he had nothing to give me. He didn't know what had happened.
I didn't scream or take things away or ground him until after I had talked it over with Dad. With these situations you have to be careful, it's a delicate situation. Nothing can be said or done without follow through. When Dad came home we talked about it and came up with a plan.....I'll share that with you next.
It's hard, isn't it? This has been one of my biggest worries as my nephew gets older...you are doing a great job with your son, hang in there and thanks for sharing the good and the bad.
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