Yesterday Mahala went for her ultrasound.  The technician found at least 3 more masses around her right ovary. I want to call them cyst, but they haven't called them cyst yet.  Maybe they are fibroids, who knows yet.  All I know is that they cause her pain and when she feels pain I feel pain.  And my pain is in my gut, no medicine can help/  I'm freakin' crazy as it is.  Now I'm so anxious and worried that I can hardly focus on one thing at a time.  I feel I have so much too do, but all I can do is go over and over in my head what I heard during her ultrasound and what the pics looked like. And over analyzing where each pain is when she rocks herself on the couch in pain.  Worried with each meal she passes up and when she starts sweating I check her fever.  I don't want to leave her side even when she goes to the bathroom.
I have turned this situation into much more then it has to be I'm sure in my he.  Meaning that I think mentally I am that 12 year old little girl trying to save her sick Mother.  I failed back then and I can't fail now.  Now, I know this is all crazy talk and I could not physically save my Mom way back then.  But, that is what I actually believed when I was a young girl.  Kind of like if I clean my room, do all my homework and wash the dishes I can go hang out wit my friends mentality.  I knew that if I gave my Mom all her meds precisely the right amount and on a schedule she would get better.  If the house smelled like the inside of a Lysol can and pine trees she would live.  It says all hospitals trust it right on the can.  I tucked her in each night, even fluffed her pillow.  It made me feel better when she did that for me.  I made sure to give balanced meals, even if she couldn't eat and fresh water glasses every 20 minutes.  Fresh was better, it would heal her.  She could then be my Mom again.
I was so angry when she died, what did I mess up on, what more could I have done.  I FAILED!!!!!  I lived live with those words still.  I wish I could say that when I turned 25 I came to realize that I was just a child.  Part of me knows that, but deep inside I know I torture myself everyday, with everything I do.  This with Mahala is no different.  Which is why I am "on call" 24 hours a day.  I feel in my heart I control it all.  But, in my head I know that's not true.  And then I feel deflated, because I am just 1 person.  I realized that I do not control all, even if it is my own life I am trying to control.  No matter how perfect, good, precise, methodical, or clever you try to be, you can not change what is to be.  You can only prepare yourself to embrace the changes that will inevitably happen.

1 comment:

  1. I know all too well that powerlessness and need to try to control things that clearly aren't in your control...it was unbelievably hard to deal with that at the age of 37-38, so I can't imagine how difficult it was as a child.

    I hope you get some answers soon, and that Mahala is feeling better.