It's been a long week. Just FYI I am going to be all Blaaaaah, so please know that I have to go somewhere and let it all out. I try to be so strong for my kids. But, when the pain just wont stop and I feel so weak that I have to just lay on the floor it sucks. It doesn't just suck, it embarrasses me. Yesterday I couldn't go up the stairs, so I laid on the floor. I was just so weak, it was like someone had pulled the cord from the wall. Skylar asked what I needed him to do. I told him the floor made my back feel better. I could tell he knew better, but he just let me be. Days like today I move like I'm 80 with osteoporosis. I'm 33 and my mind tells me I'm 28.
I've been reading my second issue of Lupus Now Magazine the past few days. I love this magazine, I wish that I would have known it existed a long time ago. This issue talks a lot about having a full and rewarding life. Full and rewarding, those words today bring tears to my eyes. Because today all that I had to do for my family almost killed me. It sucks that I try so hard to be normal and do the things that are in my head that I want to do. but, my body stops me from living the way I want to live. I get so frustrated with myself for not having control.
Please just bare with me here because today I went to Sams and I made it in the store, but when we were walking back to the car I almost lost it. The pain wrapped it's tight, sharp hands around my knees and ankles. My elbows and hands were on fire and my head was full of black, hot sand. I was praying that I could just make it, God just get me to the car and then we'll go from there. My legs practically gave out from underneath me as I approached the van and leaned on it to catch my breath. And people I can't even get a handicap pass.
I know this is all in bits and pieces, because it is all just stuffed inside my little head. And even though I'm trying to vent I feel myself pushing the cork back in as I'm typing. Because no one could truly handle what I'm feeling right now. I can't, so the fire is just going to burn inside along with the pain and humility that I feel.
I'm going to try and finish dinner now. It's that bad today, I honestly do not know if I will be able to finish cooking alone. Thankfully Skylar and Mahala are so helpful to me. They are a blessing to me in so many ways. Tonight was casserole night, so they just need to make a salad and set the table. Thank goodness for casseroles and crock pots. Hugs to All