7.09.2008

Purpose


While blogging I have asked myself several times, who is Sheila? There are many sides to Sheila. No, I am not about to go Sybil on you here. It's just that I am more then a mom, wife, friend, blah, blah, blah. I think we are all seeing that here. I am a lost little girl, an orphan, a foster child, a blah, blah, blah. There is a person here that has been rejected by society more then once. There is a person that is fighting for her life once again. There is a person that is wanting to scream I AM HERE!!! I HAVE PURPOSE!!!!!! There is a little girl inside that is afraid of death. I do not want to leave my sweet children to go rest in a whole in the ground. I do not want my poor children to feel the pain of not belonging, just roaming the earth with out a guiding hand.
My Dad died when I was 11 and Mom died when I was 12. She died just 1 week before my 13th birthday. I will post soon about that whole experience.
One of my biggest fears is losing my battle to Lupus. There I said it. I am some what of a control freak. Everyone that knows me knows that I take control of everything, even feeding the damn hamster. Here let me, let me. That's ok, I can do it, I can do it. Why am I like this? Because sooooooooooooooooo much of my life I have had NO control, no say in how things went down. That puts so much fear in me. Not having control. I have no control over Lupus.
Yesterday my Dr, said I may have fluid around my heart and lungs. WHY! Why can't I just be well and not worry about something so many people take for granted. Health, people!! Don't take it for granted, enjoy it if you have it.
I will not tell my kids about our new findings until it is know for sure. I am not well today because she added more medication to my list and increased my dose of Methetrexate. Can I just say that Methetrexate Sucks!! Methetrexate is a pill form of chemotherapy. I have been on this since the last month of pregnancy with Kaden. And before I became pregnant I was on it for 2 years.
I'm sorry, I did not want to even go here on my blog, but it's so apart of my life. Lupus effects my family and I and you have clicked into my life. You have the option to stay or leave, I can't control that, but I hope you stayand I hope you share with others. I hope I can help someone, that is my Purpose.

15 comments:

  1. I'm so, so, very sorry. I'm nut sure what the fluid actually means for you, but I can gather that it's not bad. I'm hoping that it's easily remedied.

    You're in my thoughts.

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  2. I agree- so sorry to hear that! I hope that the tests prove the dr.s wrong or that it is easily remedied and that you can find comfort. You deserve it! I don't think I'm alone, when I say you have a support system out here that will listen and hopefully that will help your emotional state, if nothing else.

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  3. Sheila...
    A blog is for letting loose, so those who don't want to stick around to hear about your bad time and bad days, don't deserve to be let into your life! You are worth more than that!

    My mom is on the same medication..methetrexate...how ever you spelled it...and she hates it too. She has psoriatic arthritis and fibromyalgia and so I know some of the pain you go through...she suffers/I suffer! I also have also know others with Lupus and wish there was something they could do about it! Like Fibromyalgia, there is just ways to 'mask' the issue, not solve it! :(

    I wish I could hug you! You are strong though...strong by not letting it win and to teach others about what you are going through!

    Hope you have a better day!
    Sonya

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  4. Hey Sheila! Thanks for visiting my blog :) I'm so glad I got to read your post, use the blog to share all your thoughts and feelings! We are all here for support :)

    My husbands grandmother had lupus and she lived a VERY long life!

    My father dies when I was young (around 8) and my mother was never around, and when she was physically there she still wasn't - make sense? I understand how you feel not wanting your children to feel "not belonging". It's tough!

    Anyway I could write a book here - but I will definitely be checking back. Keep your head up and think positive - I truly believe that helps!

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  5. My prayers are with you. Get well soon, I hope you will recover. *Hugs*

    Thanks for taking the time to visit my blog :)

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  6. powerful stuff. And painfully honest. You have a great talent for wrapping so much emotion up in just a few short paragraphs.

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  7. Hey Shelia - thanks for dropping by my blog. I'm so sorry to hear that you're not feeling well right now and that you are struggling - but please hang in there. From everything that I have learned about you - you are a fighter. My neighbor has Lupus too and she said that good nutrition, lots of exercise and low stress are key to keeping the flare-ups at bay. I know what you mean about begin afraid of leaving your kids though. I actually saw a Medium when I was home visiting my parents a couple of weeks ago and it was an awesome experience. I just posted about - you should read it - maybe it will help you out a little bit too.

    Take care and I'll be back!

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  8. Feel better MOMMA!!!
    Each day is precious, your life is a testament to this!!
    Be brave - although I know you are !

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  9. Heather (from Bama)7/10/2008

    I am sorry to for you problems you are facing. I can't give much advice since I do not know anyone with Lupis, but you will be in my prayers and thoughts.

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  10. Awww...I' so sorry Sheila. I wish there was something I could say that would make it all better. I don't really know much about Lupus or have any experience with it, but it sounds awful.

    Don't be afraid to share yourself b/c of what other people think! This blog is first and foremost for YOU--don't start worrying about what other people want, just be authentic--because you are a wonderful person! :)

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  11. Hugs! Your in my thoughts as you battle this. But judging by your blogs and your tough history growing up, you are a fighter!

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  12. Hi Sheila,

    One of my best friends has had Lupus for 20 yrs. and at times has been very ill with it. She takes the chemo and the daily steroids, and it really is a life-long battle for her. So, while firsthand I don't know how you feel, I feel your pain through what I have experienced through her life. Glad I found your blog and will be checking in daily!
    Deb

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  13. sorry to hear that. hope it can work out for you :)

    thanks for the nice comment you left at my place, and passing by from SS.

    stuff like that makes my day thankyou x

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  14. Oh honey, i'm so sorry about the upping your meds. My friend's hubby with RA takes massive doses of that plus Enbrel.

    *Prayers for you!*

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  15. Half-Past Kissin' Time7/16/2008

    I hope you're feeling better now...

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