While blogging I have asked myself several times, who is Sheila? There are many sides to Sheila. No, I am not about to go Sybil on you here. It's just that I am more then a mom, wife, friend, blah, blah, blah. I think we are all seeing that here. I am a lost little girl, an orphan, a foster child, a blah, blah, blah. There is a person here that has been rejected by society more then once. There is a person that is fighting for her life once again. There is a person that is wanting to scream I AM HERE!!! I HAVE PURPOSE!!!!!! There is a little girl inside that is afraid of death. I do not want to leave my sweet children to go rest in a whole in the ground. I do not want my poor children to feel the pain of not belonging, just roaming the earth with out a guiding hand.
My Dad died when I was 11 and Mom died when I was 12. She died just 1 week before my 13th birthday. I will post soon about that whole experience.
One of my biggest fears is losing my battle to Lupus. There I said it. I am some what of a control freak. Everyone that knows me knows that I take control of everything, even feeding the damn hamster. Here let me, let me. That's ok, I can do it, I can do it. Why am I like this? Because sooooooooooooooooo much of my life I have had NO control, no say in how things went down. That puts so much fear in me. Not having control. I have no control over Lupus.
Yesterday my Dr, said I may have fluid around my heart and lungs. WHY! Why can't I just be well and not worry about something so many people take for granted. Health, people!! Don't take it for granted, enjoy it if you have it.
I will not tell my kids about our new findings until it is know for sure. I am not well today because she added more medication to my list and increased my dose of Methetrexate. Can I just say that Methetrexate Sucks!! Methetrexate is a pill form of chemotherapy. I have been on this since the last month of pregnancy with Kaden. And before I became pregnant I was on it for 2 years.
I'm sorry, I did not want to even go here on my blog, but it's so apart of my life. Lupus effects my family and I and you have clicked into my life. You have the option to stay or leave, I can't control that, but I hope you stayand I hope you share with others. I hope I can help someone, that is my Purpose.
Posted by Sheila at July 09, 2008