It was a week before I turned 13. I can't believe it's been 21 years. That seems like such a lifetime ago.
It took a long time to feel normal after my parents died, especially after Mom's death. But, I made it, it can happen. If anyone is reading this that feels like life will never be the same after you lose someone so close to you that you feel like you shared the same heart beat. You will, but it will take time. Allow yourself to take the time. Don't get wrapped up in the anger so long that it causes you to be a bitter, nasty person that cares about nothing and no one. I know a little bit about that. Even a little girl will go through the same process a 50 year old person would. Talk about it and surround yourself with people who love you. People who want what's best for you. I didn't have that.
Every year I become anxious a few weeks before Easter. Sometimes it's worse then others. This year I have tried so hard to be positive. I want to celebrate her life this year. After 21 years I am finally able to do this. Some children become angry at the person that has past away. I was never angry at her. And believe it or not I wasn't that angry at God. Mom was very sick, I basically watched her slowly die for about two years. So, I knew she was in a better place. She had left the pain behind her. But I picked up that pain unfortunately where she left it. Sounds crazy I know. But I have done a ton of soul searching over the years. Lot's of personal therapy with myself, I guess you could say. And these where my mistakes that I made as a child. I made these mistakes because nobody was there to help me sort them out. I was all alone with my emotions, my fears, my pain. It was as though I became trapped in the fear, pain and worries of those last few years. Reliving it over and over, but involving the current life situations that was around me. Because life goes on....it will not stop just because you need it to do so. And time will never rewind, trust me I have tried to. I have begged & pleaded with God for it to happen, just once.
Her name was Violet. I think Violet is a Beautiful name. It's the name of a flower and the prettiest color I know. The evening sky can be Violet and early morning before even the birds want to peak their little heads up out of their beds. Most importantly Violet was my Mom, she gave me life. She carried me in the warmth of her belly and nourished my soul with every deep breath she took. She held me tight when I was scared and chased away the monsters that hid in my closet. She kissed my forehead when I was sick in bed and let me stay up late when her and Daddy played cards. She laughed wildly I guess like I do now. Even though I can't remember the sound of her voice or the smell of her perfume I know that she was beautiful with a heart of an Angel. She was so kind hearted, always doing for others and giving of herself.
She will always be in my heart. And I want her to be in the hearts of my kids too. Which is why this year I am going to share some stories with the kids and look through some pictures with them. I want them to know about her bravery as she fought for her life. I want them to know how kind her heart was and how generous she was. I want them to never forget the person who I called Momma.