Since going through over 2 years of Therapy and Recovery work with my Husband I have recognized many of my flaws, insecurities and personal obstacles that I tend to blow out of proportion because of fear when I should be leaning in on God. That's a mouthful and one that you don't want everyone to always know. But, over these last few years that fake plaster wall I so carefully built around myself has come down and the real raw more damaged me is exposed. And I'm not sorry for that, you take it or leave it. And you know what....many people leave it, because my Ugly reminds them that they have Ugly too. And that can be scary and who wants to deal with that? Who wakes up in the morning excited to take on their garbage they have been dragging around with them for 30 years?
I think I'm growing Lazy and Craving the simpleness of just living and breathing. Like old people who drink the same cup of coffee, read the same paper and take the same path down the street when they go for their daily stroll. I no longer want to be the shining star up on top of the Christmas tree...I want to be that treasured keepsake ornament that you look forward to see each year. I want to be filled with memories and laughter, not empty promises and lofty unrealistic dreams.
I guess what I'm saying is I'm evolving and changing so much on the inside that it hurts. I hurt mentally on the inside and feel overwhelmed with these emotions. Kind of like Kaden I guess....I feel like I'm growing into my 40 something body. Wondering what that even looks like...how am I to behave and walk through this next set of years.
Honestly I want to live in the country, paint, grow food, travel like gypsies and throw caution to the wind. I want to read books all night, surround myself with nature, cook on an open flame, write, snuggle under the stars and bathe in the river. What do I make of this craziness.....why do I feel this way and not even care what others think?My "Life" does not resemble my insides at all right now. And I believe that is why there is this perfect storm inside of me...just waiting for anything to loosen the lid and I just snap. Right now I am working on getting the outside in and the inside out...if that makes sense. :) I'm creating a life I want to live and that calls for many changes. And for those changes I'm going to need to lean in onto God more and more everyday.....