I'm almost 40 and every year that I reluctantly grow older I reevaluate my life and readjust who and what I allow close to me. I thought when I was a young Mom in my early 20's I would have everything worked out by the time I turned 40. HAHAHAHA How funny are the lies we tell ourselves in our youth to sleep more soundly at night. I longed for the day all my furniture matched, all windows had cute coverings and all my ends met without something having to be sacrificed.
A long time ago I was 12 or almost 12...I revealed something horrific to my Mother. It ended our relationship as we had known it for all the years of my life prior. It was new now and was strained by my revealed secret. As she screamed and cried I ran out the door. It was the 1st of many escapes from my past. I'm still running every time I get triggered, not in the same way but I'm running. That day as I ran far away from our street I slowed down at a neighborhood. All the houses mirrored one another, just different colors of trim or landscape. The sun was almost completely gone and you could see right into their windows. I was in awe at how happy the families looked sitting around the table for dinner. Dad, Mom and Kiddos talking even laughing. I wondered what they were saying....I longed for what they represented. I felt so sad inside, dead almost to the point that I felt like I could have stood there all night and day and nobody would even know I was there. As I walked down the sidewalk and looked at life carrying on with or without me I made a promise to have what I saw that night. One day I will have a safe, loving family. I felt almost like I was window shopping from house to house. I left that night with an idea in mind and a goal in my heart.
Who would have thought that 27 years later I still wouldn't have what I longed for that night. I'm still searching for love, safety and wholeness. I've found that those things don't come in the form of a house, kiddos or a husband. Those things are never guaranteed to last. Stuff can break and people will let you down all the time. Only one thing can give you Love, Safety and Fulfillment and that's a Relationship with God. My whole life I chased what I thought happiness looked like, I never measured up. I always came up short and I used relationships as a gauge to what my self worth was for the day. Mix in a bunch of unhealthy people with major problems of their own and you have a huge problem. That was my life!
I've been a Christian my whole life. When I was going through years of abuse and living on the streets I had faith. When I lost my parents, suffered physical and emotional abuse I still loved him. Even when 2 of my Kiddos almost died and my youngest was diagnosed with Autism I never stopped believing, not to mention battling this crazy Lupus! But, it wasn't until I received the worst news of all, I can't even say it right now. It wasn't until this happened back in December that I had No choice but to fall at the Lord's feet and completely rely on him. When I did that I began to see a shift in my heart. Here it is July and I see some light, it has been a ROUGH 8 months. I will not lie to you, every day is a struggle, but everyday I feel Loved, Safe and Fulfilled. I feel like I matter, I'm enough because God says I'm enough. Even on bad days I know if someone looked into the window of my heart they would see me sitting down with Jesus laughing, talking and enjoying the highlights of the day. I know now that all along I had my "window", I was just looking for it in the wrong place.
I am Truly, Madly, Deeply Blessed