12.25.2008

12.20.2008

Ask Manic Mom a Question

Q. What are you most proud of?

A. So, I'm supposed to say my children, right? Everyone who has kids says that. And even though I am proud of them beyond words there is something else. I am proud of me. I have been in many situations in my life time where I could have chosen one thing over another. I have always believed in God and what his purpose for my life was. So, I'm proud of most of my life decisions, if that makes sense.

Q. How many foster homes did you live in?

A. Well, in foster care they have places that are like "holding houses". You go here for a day, a week or whatever length until your "real" foster home is ready to take you. I think between foster homes, holding homes and group homes I was in 7 different homes.

Have anymore questions, just ask me and I'll answer.

12.17.2008

1,840 Days

The pain is kicking my butt this week. I try to put it out of my mind, but it's like a Red headed step child- all up in your face. When will the pain stop? I ask myself this question every morning when I crawl out of bed like an 90 year old women. You know I used to go to bed each night with a tad bit of excitement. Thinking and hoping that the next morning may be the morning I wake up to no pain. What if I have a pain free day, just once. It hasn't happened yet, since this hell has started back in December, 2003. I have lived with pain every single day since then. Hold on for a second, let me get out my ole' trusty calculator to see how many days of pain I've had. Are you ready to see my mad calculating skills? Here we go, to this day I have had 1,840 blessed days of pain. Now I say blessed, only because they have been days with my kids. Days that I have woken up to see another day. By the evening on probably over half of them I've begged God to take me. But, I quickly change my mind once the comfort of sleep takes me away.
I look forward to sleep. In my dreams I am a mighty warrior some nights. Kicking Lupus' Butt!!! And sometimes I just run in fields of grass chasing the kids. My dreams are all pain free, worry free. Even when I have night mares, nothing ever gets me because I can run.
But, every morning the sun hits my peppers and life fills my mind once again. Sometimes I try to hold on to the night, but most days it's impossible. Because I hear little voices and see little hands that remind me why the day light is more important then my dreams of possibilities.

12.06.2008

Manic Questions

People email me daily about my posts. The questions range from past stuff to daily routines now. So I thought it might be interesting to answer your questions here online. What do you think?

I want it said that I am in constant pain every day and have been since 2004. People ask how can I be so positive. I believe that you chose your daily attitude. I'm going to be in pain whether I have a negative or positive attitude. It truly is easier to be positive. Now with that said I an definitely no saint, just ask my family. But, it's the thought that counts, right??? Being also Bipolar causes my moods to go crazy at times. But, with meds and early detection of when I feel a freak out coming, life can be good.
I realize that there is a significant curiosity about some of the diseases and life experiences that I've had. So, here you go people, you've asked for it.

Q. What illness do you have?
A. Are you ready? Lupus, high blood pressure, ulcertive colitis, diverticulitis, R.A., inflammatory arthritis, sever edema and I'm bipolar.
To explain them briefly- Lupus causes my immune system to attack my organs and body instead of infection or disease. My immune system is retarded, great. Mine right now attacks all of my joints and bones, causes fluid to build up in my lungs and around my heart. I also have sensitive skin so I'm supposed to avoid the sun. Because my immune system is busy with other things infections and viruses cause me to be more sick then everyone else in my family. Why.....cause my immune system is out to lunch and attacking something that I need to stay alive. Great job, Lupus!!!
High blood pressure is just that, I've had it for like 4 years now. My colitis is hard to explain, it causes terrible pain and bleeding in my intestines. Diverticulitis, well this is basically inflammation in my intestines along with holes that could cause Serious problems. I just try and keep a close eye on it. R.A. and inflammatory arthritis sucks, that's all that needs to be said. My edema is pretty bad. There are days that my feet are soooooooo swollen I can't put my flip flops on. My legs are so swollen at times that all I can wear is a night gown. I can take water pills to try and get it off, but most of the time my body hangs on to it like it's chocolate. And my dear bipolar, oh what a friend of mine. We have been together since I can remember. Crazy runs deep in my veins, LOL. Bipolar is different for everyone. But for me, Mania is my problem. My moods changes several times a day. I have tons of anxiety, that usually heightens in the evening and in the winter, then that turns into depression. Bipolar has a lot of doors, some days only a few open and some days the whole house explodes with open doors.
So, I hope that answers that question. Today is a BIG Game Day, so I will be cooking for the boys and grocery shopping.

12.05.2008

Christmas with a Splash of Crazy

I’m looking at all the millions of things I have on my calendar for December and want to cry. Sometimes I just want to be. Just to lounge through my day with no real commitments. I often think to myself about what life will be like when I grow old. I think I would be great old women. Hell I already have the bones of a 60 year old. Thanks to Lupus. And I play a pretty mean ass game of dominoes!!!!
It’s December and everyone is feeling overwhelmed; why the heck does EVERYTHING have to be crammed into a 25 day period. My friend, Paula has 4 Christmas parties this weekend alone. All I need is a piece of pie with a mound of whipped cream, the clicker, a cozzzzy blanket and a scented candle nearby. Mmmmmmmm!!!!!! Just one full day of this would put the Saint back in St. Nick for me. LOL
But, back to reality we have school deadlines, papers to grade, reports that need researched, cookies to be baked and meals to cook.
Yesterday Thanh and I were talking about the presents we have for each of the kids. We can’t wait to see their little faces when they come down the stairs this year. I started thinking about the last gifts my parents ever bought me.
My Dad died November, 1986 and on that day I found the last present he had bought for me. I remember we were back at the house after being at the hospital for what seemed like forever. I ran straight for my parent’s bedroom. I sat on the bed and looked around. I wanted to take in every detail there was to take in. I could still smell his cologne and his socks were on the floor from the day before. Even though this was a painful time for me, I never wanted to forget. I walked into their closet and ran my hands across all of Daddy’s clothes. All of his Navy uniforms were hanging there almost mourning him too. I squatted down to cry on the floor and behind the clothes I could see a huge box. It was a telescope. I was shocked and thrilled, yet sad that it would never be shared with my Dad. I left it there untouched. I didn’t want to spoil the joy Mom might have of giving this gift to me.
My Mom’s last gift to me was a jean trench coat. I just had to have it!!!! Everyone had one and I knew we didn’t have the money so, I was not expecting there to be one under our tree that year. I remember I was taking a Home Ec. Class that year and we were learning how to embroidery. I brought in my coat and did my initials on the side pocket. I still have that coat in my closet today.
I love Christmas Time……..

12.01.2008

Christmas Wonder

I am still full, full of turkey and all it's fixin's. We had a great Thanksgiving! We have a ton to be thankful for this year. And Thankful we are, it shows on our Thankful tree. We made a tree on our dinning room wall, it's about 5 feet tall. And we have a ton of leaves with things we are thankful for on them. Everyone that came over for Thanksgiving was impressed by it's Wonder!
Now on Black Friday, what did you do? I shopped till I about dropped. Yes, I know that I have already made my list and checked it twice. I know that I have already shopped and wrapped everything. And yes, I know that my closet is full of black garbage bags with those wrapped presents in them. But, I had to go out and just see if there was maybe one more thing out there. One gift calling my name because it was so ridiculously on sale! Buy me, buy me, I swear I could hear it over the loud ass foot ball game that Thanh had blaring in the living room.
Now what kind of person would I be if I ignored that little item that was on sale. I'll tell you, I would be a person with a few hundred dollars more in her pocket. Yes, I did spend a little more, but I saved a lot. This Christmas the kids are going to be amazed. We have had some pretty weak Christmas present giving in the past. But, God has provided for us this year. We will be able to sit back on Christmas morning and know that the kids are going to love their presents. And we know they are not going to break by dinner and we don't have to scratch the dollar store name off of the wrapping. Thank you Lord!!
But, I know where I've come from. I remember a time when Skylar and I stayed in an abandoned house in Florida. We spent the holidays one year in this house and a group of ladies came up to the door. I was scared to open it, because nobody knew I lived there. I had no electricity or water. You will have to get my book to read the whole story. But, the point I'm trying to say now is that these women were from a local church and they saved our Christmas. They brought food, both hot and canned. None of it needed to be refrigerated, they most have known my circumstances. And they brought presents for my sweet boy. I was shaken with delight, surprised that once again I was blessed. Skylar ran around with a tiny back pack filled with toys. He was so happy and that made me happy and sad. I felt sad because I worried if I would ever be able to give him this much joy and happiness on my own. Could I ever do it on my own....This is a scary thought when you are on the streets with a baby. Fear was my middle name, still is sometimes. So, if I seem a tad over kill about this Christmas, please know that I generally do not spoil my kids. And I definitely know the true meaning of Christmas. I'm just having a moment and I'm taking advantage of it fully.
I'm off to join my kids now. We are doing Christmas crafts and decorations for the house.