If you asked me what my favorite part of the day is, I would have a fast answer for you. It's when the pale, purple light fills the room. I'm not quiet sure even what the exact time of the very early morning that is. But, it's where the night meets the morning. It's when the lonely turns into comfort. Where the danger melts away and safety grows strong. Death becomes life again! I love the pale purple light. It gives me comfort and joy. And tonight I think I understand why. Which is why I decided to write about it instead of sleeping.
I know that I am weird, I admit it. But, I find safety in my weirdness. It's what reminds me that I am alive. I can probably account for all the places I have seen the pale purple light. Crazy, right?
Tonight I laid down in bed and I closed my eyes. I breathed slowly and listened to the wind rock the porch chairs that lined our upstairs balcony. I opened my eyes and turned towards our bathroom. The moon shined it's beautiful light onto the wall. It wasn't real pale purple light, but close! And for about 10 minutes I went back in time and remembered the comfort and joy I once felt when the night meet the morning light.
I was in Titusville FL the first time. We had a neighbor that had kids, but they were a little older then I was. Let's call them Sue and Tom. One night after playing at my house with Sue on my new slip and slide I went to her house for a sleep over. Sue and I was up all night giggling and eating candy. We played card games and barbies. Her brother. Tom was probably 3 years older then me. During the night he came into his sister's room and well you can imagine. That night he let his fingers do the walking. I was there confused and wide awake after he was done exploring my young body. Was he going to come back? What was going to happen next. Waiting I remember looking out the window towards my house. I remember thinking about my parents, imagining them snug in their bed. I thought about my canopy bed and my doll house, how I would do anything at that moment to be home. And then it happened, the darkness turned into this beautiful light. It comforted me as I watched this oblivious girl's room fill with the pale, purple light.
When I was in foster care several times I was under attack. There was this older couple that anyone would think was the sweetest old couple in the world. Well, the man of the house used to sneak into the girls room at night and do things I rather not talk about. Some of the girls would cry as he raped them with hairbrushes and hair spray bottles. He would take turns, sometimes we would get lucky and our door would remain shut all night. I would sleep in the middle of my bed with a jacket on. My social worker thought I was crazy and the man's wife used to give us girls a hard time about it too. If I could just get through the night tonight, I would say to myself. Us girls would whisper to each other waiting for the door to open. But, then it would happen. The Pale Purple Light and I would know that I was safe, at least for another day. There were countless other times and places where I experienced the pale purple light and many of the times as a struggling teen I was fixing my night clothes, washing myself or just plain paralyzed with disgust. But when it came I knew it was over for the night and I knew it was safe to sleep.
Tonight it hit me, I understood why the pale purple light was so comforting to me. Because all these years I knew that if I saw the light it was safe to close my eyes. I could relax myself and nothing would happen. It is painful to write this but rewarding too. Uncovering why I am who I am is worth my weight in gold. Wow, that's a lot of gold.