8.29.2008

I am a Survivor!

It's Friday!!!!
Mahala, Anna and Kaden are at the pool. Skylar is playing a video game and I am hear stuffing my face with chocolates. Who can complain, right? Not me said the fat fly!!

Yesterday Mahala LOVED her gymnastics class!!! Today we are going to check out another gym and then we will compare notes and decide which one she enjoys most. Yipeee!

I was thinking about the tiny wooden house that was far back off of the road. Where one very cold night I was there all huddled with Skylar. I remember trying to see into the future knowing that this too shall pass. Just like the death of my parents, being sexually abused, physical abuse and foster care. They were all just moments in time that pass, only to give you new moments. So life for me is hoping and praying that the new moments are better, safer.
That night I wrote down the things I wanted, my dreams. I wrote down what I thought I needed to do in order to get to where I wanted to go. The cold air burned through my nostrils as I inhaled and exhaled so slowly to the rhythm of my heart beat beating in my ear. It was so quiet and even today the sound of quietness scares me.
I knew I needed to get an education. At that time to make money I would go house to house and ask people if I could wash clothes or clean their kitchen. I would explain to them that I needed money for Skylar and I. I never told them I was homeless and I always dressed clean. I never wanted them to know how bad it really was. The fear of them calling HRS and having Skylar taken from me overwhelmed me daily. I strapped Skylar in an umbrella stroller some sweet lady gave me at a yard sale. I would clean and clean and pray. We would go from house to house and I would clean and clean and pray. I worried I would run out of houses. I never went too far, because I felt safe in that area. I knew what was out there, we were just about 10-15 minutes away from the city if you walked. I feared one of us would get killed in the city or I would get rapped or mugged. You don't see a lot of homeless babies. What could happen to Skylar? We do end up in the city, but that story will have to wait for another day.
I would be honest with the people at the 7-11 and they were good to us. I can't remember now, but on a certain day of the week they would throw away all the leftover sandwiches and premade foods. I was always there, never late. Skylar ans I would have a feast that night!! I always bought fresh milk for him, I was soooooooooo thankful when he was off formula. I would get samples of that at the health department. But, they made me nervous. I was always worried they would ask too many questions. I could not loose my boy!!!
There was a park kind of close. We would sneak out from behind "our" house and walk a few blocks to the park. There was a church close to it and there outside light gave off this yellow glow. It was just enough light for us to see. My favorite thing was the swings. I would swing really high by myself and then I would take Skylar on and he would laugh so loud. Music to my ears, his laugh was. Then we would get on the merry-go-round ans the sand box. It felt like Disney World. Our Disney World! Some nights were cut short, because legally the park is closed when the sun goes down and as soon as we would see a police car we would hit the road. I didn't need any attention.
My life was all about surviving. I decided one day for shits and grins to step out of my comfort zone. WAY OUT! I took a public bus and asked the nice man if he would take me to the community college. He said that he would love to.

6 comments:

  1. You are a survivor! Thanks for sharing your story.

    Mmm...chocolate...mmmm.

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  2. I hope that your children inherit their mother's strength and tenacity, and that your husband appreciates on many levels what an amazing woman he married. What a lucky man.

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  3. Wow. You are an incredibly strong woman! And one terrific mother. How you could be so concerned about doing the best for your son while dealing with all that you were going through is truly amazing. What an inspiration you are!

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  4. You're darn right you are a survivor! And an awesome one, too! You rock girlfriend! I am so proud that you have the courage to go thru all this stuff! I only hope I can have as much strength as you some day. You are a great Mommie, too! :)

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  5. You really need to write your life story. I think it would serve for inspiration for women everywhere. Besides, you are a captivating writer.

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  6. Just want you to know i have been thinking of you lately and hoping things are falling into place!!!

    Many hugs and lots o' love!
    Sonya

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