6.18.2008

I was a Teen Mom

So earlier I was talking to some of my friends about being a Teen Mom. I have a ton to say about this part of my life. So here we go.....
I am going to start off telling about a particular night that was hard for me and then I will go back and start from the beginning at a later time.
Every part of my body ached as my belly grew. I didn't understand all the changes, I just knew I wanted KFC Mashed potatoes & gravy with a big glass of milk. This particular day I had come home from school and had numerous homework assignments. I was busy completing all my school stuff when A ( foster mom ) walked into the kitchen. She was a pain that women was. I never knew what kind of a mood she would be in. But, this day I just couldn't handle her crap. I sat there and listened to her tell me how I was wasting my time doing homework. How I would never amount to anything anyway. I was going to be a trailer trash wife to B and no homework was going to make a bit of difference. Well ok then. What do you do after hearing that. Well, I cried and cried and cried. I cried for my parents, I cried for my baby. What have I gotten him into, what was my problem. I wobbled to my so called room. She screamed do you want to be in for the night or are you having supper? My face was all sweaty and smeared with mascara from crying, but I came out and helped set the table.
I don't even know why we even set the table, her husband ate in their room like a pig. He made himself out to be this high and mighty. Always looking down at me and B. Everyone else ate in the living room on the floor. It was just her and I at the table.
After dinner that night B did the dishes and I went to take a shower. Lord my belly was big. I peed before and after my shower. I knew my time was limited. Limited because I did not have full access to a bathroom all the time.
After my shower I went and told A I was ready for bed. She said I'll be there in a minute. I turned and walked past the kitchen to the little door beside the fridge. I opened it up and the cold air made my body ache. To my left was an old bed with a thin hotel like comforter. Along the side of the bed was 3 small windows. On my right there were shelves of food from the floor up and left over odds and ends that didn't make it to the garage. Do you know were I was sleeping? I was sleeping in the pantry. It was an addition that they had put on years ago, which was why it was so cold in the Winter and hot in the Summer. There was no insulation and just a tiny light bulb that swung in the night when the wind blew.
A came to the door and said N-i-i-i-i-i-ght! I hated how she used to say that in her tone. She would lean forward to the middle of the "room" and turn off the light. I would sit and watch the light shine through the crack and the loud noise of her looking the pad lock would make my heart ache. Yes I was locked in this pantry thing that I had hardly room to stand in except sideways.
Nights were real hard for me. I would have night sweats even in the winter. And I had to pee all the time. I had a small wash basin that I was given a bunch of samples in from the health department. I used it every night and prayed that I didn't overflow it. Yes, that did happen a time or two. Towards the end I could hardly hold myself up to squat over the flimsy thing and I begged to have the door unlocked. The answer was always no, you got yourself in this mess and now you have to pay the consequence. I can't tell you how angry I was! I wanted to tell everyone, look what these people are doing to me, look!! But, who would believe me, a useless whore in foster care that nobody wants or cares about. That was what I was in there eyes and I wanted it to go no further. I didn't want anyone else to know. You see if I do the time I can leave with my baby and no one else can think bad of me. I wanted to be no more. I didn't want to exist because existing hurt too much.

2 comments:

  1. My heart goes out to that girl that you were...how alone and scared you must've felt. I am so glad that things obviously turned around for you at some point, b/c you seem to have a wonderful family, and beautiful kids. It's strange sometimes to think of all of the paths our lives take to lead us where we are today...I used to wonder why a lot, but now I just realize that I really was a lucky one in many ways, and I learned a lot of things along the way--even from the bad experiences. I salute your bravery to share all of this and to help yourself heal.

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  2. This story breaks my heart!! I cannot imagine being in that situation. What horrible horrible people to treat you that way!! Thank you for sharing your story though- it's important to remember where we came from so that we can appreciate where we are today.

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